Learning to Fly -- Season 4

Good Luck for the new Academic Year!

2009-08-19T07:20:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to wish all of you good luck for the new academic year!

I'm in RA Training - students are moving in at the end of this week and classes will start on Monday. I can't believe how fast the summer went and that the new school year is already starting. I'm excited for my residents to get here and to see how things will work at my new institution; I'm also anxious and don't feel ready for the residents to be here already. But no matter how I feel, they're here and it's time to start a new year.

Good Luck to all of you as you start a new academic year! :)

Books, books, books

2009-08-03T13:36:00.000-07:00

Okay, so one of you asked if I had any recommendations regarding good Student Affairs books (this would have been a lot easier if the questions was just books...haha...in that case, I would recommend Harry Potter, Anne of Green Gables, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and Pride & Prejudice).

But on a serious note: Below are some Student Affairs books that I've enjoyed reading (and no, these citations will not be in APA format but I'm sure you'll be able to still figure out what books I'm talking about...sorry, but I have never been a fan of APA format - even though the APA Manual is one of the books on my bookshelf - and when I don't have to cite things that way, I won't...LoL):

- Beginning Your Journey: A Guide for New Professionals in Student Affairs by Marilyn J. Amey and Lori M. Reesor, editors
I read this after graduating from my Master's Program. It had some good advice, definitely made me think about me as a professional and what I wanted to accomplish in my first position, and was an easy read.

- Learning Partnerships: Theory and models of practice to educate for self-authorship by Marcia Baxter Magolda and Patricia M. King, editors
Now I'm not really a theory person. I think there's a value in theory; I studied it like so many of us and I try to keep it in mind when I work with students; I use some theories (and of course best practices) when developing new initiatives; BUT you'll hardly ever find me raving about a theory book. This book, Learning Partnerships, I liked because while it gives you the basics of the theory, it also provides a lot of examples about how this theory has been utilized. It was easy for me to look at the programs that were similar to what I wanted to accomplish and utilize some of their strategies. This book was definitely a great help when I developed the Residential Curriculum for my living learning community.

- Toward Acceptance: Sexual Orientation Issues on Campus by Vernon A. Wall and Nancy J. Evans, editors
Another easy read that gives some practical examples and even some activities you can take straight out of the book and utilize with your students.

- White Awareness - Handbook for Anti-Racism Training by Judith H. Katz
Not necessarily my favorite read - Part 1 is a little hard to get through but it's only 30 pages and then follow over a 100 pages with exercises and activities that you can utilize or slightly alter when working with students and staff. :)

- Advising Student Groups and Organizations by Norvert W. Dunkel and John H. Schuh
A classic when it comes to working with student groups. If you have a lot of experience advising, this may not be the best book for you but if you're looking for a good introduction on how to work with student groups and some resources, this book is for you.

If you're looking for some related literature, one of my colleagues recently borrowed the book "Cutting: Understanding and Overcoming Self-Mutilation by Steven Levenkron" from me. Not the newest book on the topic but a good overview about cutting. It's a pretty easy read and addresses a topic that most of us problably don't know a lot about.

And if, after reading all this Student Affairs literature, your head hurts and you just want to read something fun, don't forget about my recommendation from the beginning of this post.

The evening before...

2009-07-05T18:59:00.000-07:00

Hey there,

I start my new job tomorrow. I really have no reason to be nervous; I've done this before - yes, at another institution but still. I know how to be run a residence hall, how to supervise an RA staff. For most of my colleagues, this will be their first full-time job after graduate school - I have the advantage of having previous experience. But I can't help it. I'm nervous. I don't like new beginnings. There's too much awkwardness - too much not-knowing. But talking about it just makes me more nervous, so let's change topics.

One of you asked if I had any Student Affairs book suggestions. I do - but all my books are still in boxes (I'm waiting until I can move into my office to unpack those) and I'm one of those readers who doesn't pay any attention to the author's name. It took me forever to remember that J.K. Rowling wrote Harry Potter - so there's no chance I'd remember the author of some Student Affairs book. Sorry!
Anyway, as soon as I've unpacked, I'll post some suggestions on this blog.

And of course I'll let you all know how my first days at work go....

Roadtrip Update & Thoughts about the Future

2009-06-21T18:45:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone,

It’s been a while. I apologize. I was traveling and didn’t have access to internet all that often. I actually don’t have access to internet right now but I decided to write this blog now and then copy and paste it into the actual blog tomorrow when I’ll be having lunch at a Panera Bread.

This has been my summer of random roadtrips. I’ve been to 11 states in the past month and there’s a few more to come in the next week; I’ve gotten really good at setting up my tent quickly and I’ve slept in my car twice (it’s really not that uncomfortable). I’ve also been to 8 concerts, strolled through various cities, explored national parks, visited two good friends from undergraduate, painted a shirt, made a video and and and. There definitely haven’t been a lot of dull moments. ;)

I’m currently at my new institution – I decided to drop off half of my belongings now before going to Invisible Children’s Lobby Days (Monday, Tuesday). Then I’ll get the rest of my stuff and return for good. One more week of vacation and on July 6, I’ll be starting my new job.

I’m excited – and nervous. New beginnings, new places, new people stress me out. I’m worried about making a good impression, about proving that they made a good decision by hiring me, about living up to my own expectations. I don’t like the feeling of not knowing what to do – how things are done here. I worry about my relationships with the other staff members – professional staff and student staff. I worry about vandalism in my building – after all, I’ll be in a new building and it’ll be horrible if my students “destroy” the new facilities. And even though I’m not responsible for their actions, there’ll always be the question, “ Was there something that I could have done?”

Did I mention that I have a tendency to overanalyze things and freak myself out?!?

I like to set new goals for myself over the summer but I’m having a hard time doing that this year. There’s just so much you don’t know when you start a new job. I mean, I know how to be a hall director; but I don’t know how to be a hall director HERE.

As always, I have the goal of making my personal life a bit more of a priority; as always, we’ll see how that goes. I have a few friends here; maybe that’ll help. I drove around today and saw all the shops and restaurants – so at least IF I want to go somewhere, there’ll be places to go. And there’s the beach!!! I can’t wait to go to the beach; just stretch out on a towel and relax, daydream, read a good book. I really want a boat! Haha, I know I’m crazy. But seriously, could you imagine anything more amazing than going out on a boat, turning off the motor and just floating around while reading a good book. That’d be so relaxing! :D I even thought of some good boat names: I was thinking Lily or Phoenix (both inspired by Harry Potter), Bregenz or Elisabeth (Austria), Fantaghiro (princess in my favorite fairy tale), See The World (hmmm, maybe inspired by a band I know…LoL), dragonfly or imagine. Any thoughts?

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the future lately. It all started when one of my friends told me that she got engaged and will be getting married next summer. Since then, my friends and I have talked about weddings, bachelorette parties, our dream vacation home in Tuscany (we want to rent one – or later buy it – and get our four families to go there and hang out), children, etc. Yeah, our topics of conversation have changed quite a bit from when we first starting hanging out. LoL.

If this was my summer of random roadtrips, next year will be my summer of international wedding. I’m going to India for one of my friend’s weddings and then I’ll be going to Austria for my other friend’s wedding. I just hope none of the dates overlap (I also hope they don’t overlap with the NACURH conference since I’ll be the RHA Advisor next year….yay!!!...and would love to take a delegation to NACURH). And I should probably start saving money and vacation days now because that’ll be quite a bit of traveling – and not as cheap as me driving around the US and sleeping in my car, a tent or a cheap hotel room that I reserved through hotwire.com the night before.

Well, I’m off to bed. I’m too lazy to get sheets out of one of my boxes; I think I’ll just use my sleeping bag. I’ve gotten so used to the simple life.

I hope you’re all enjoying the summer!

Summer

2009-05-29T16:50:00.000-07:00

I am procrastinating from packing. I just moved a bunch of stuff down to the storage room in the basement, so i figured I'd deserve a little break, right?

My apartment is starting to look empty, so at least I'm making some progress. I have to be out of here Monday. My supervisor - or I guess, former supervisor now - is coming over at 8 am to check me out. Argh, so much for sleeping in on my last day here. Oh well, more time to travel, right? ;)

I've packed up all my Student Affairs book. Usually, I try to read some thing for work on vacation, but I decided that this year I'll really really be on vacation and for once not think about work. I can't really prepare for next year anyway, since I'm moving to a new institution.

It feels strange though. At this time of the summer, I would usually be pouring over Student Affairs literature, trying to revise my curriculum for the year, developing new initiatives. Instead I'm re-reading Harry Potter and getting ready for a quite adventurous vacation with camping, concerts and visiting friends.

I have been thinking a little about next year. I mean, last semester I organized this huge Invisible Children Challenge. So what should my next project be? I could do Invisible Children again. I'm not sure how much my new students would get into that. I could also try to pick another organization and figure out something new. I'm just not sure. But I know I'd like to do something again....

Okay, I think I'll have some ice cream and then it's back to packing. The goal is to get the majority packed tonight, do laundry and finish up a few more things tomorrow, and then just relax and do nothing on Sunday. Sounds like a plan, right?

Oh, I apologize in advance if I don't update this in a while. I'm going camping/hiking and don't know when I'll have access to internet. I'm sure I'll stop by a Panera Break occasionally though and will update all of you then.

Life on the Road - Part 1

2009-05-24T09:24:00.000-07:00

Ten month contracts are great! I'm going to miss having the opportunity to have the summer off. But hey, at least I'll have vacation days now, so if I really really really need to go somewhere (like an Invisible Children event or a concert), I'd be able to do that. ;)

On May 31st (the latest...maybe a few days before), I'll be checking out of my apartment. I'm not sure yet when I'll be moving into my new apartment at my new institution, but it probably won't be until much later in June or even July 1 or so (I start work on July 6). What will I be doing in between? Yeah, that is a good question. LoL.

I'm definitely going to visit some friends. I've also thought about going camping - I would have to buy a tent though - you know, just drive to some National Park, set up my tent and then go hiking on a different trail every day. I like hiking. And I'll be in Washington D.C. for Invisible Children's Lobby Days June 22nd and the 23rd. Other than that, who knows.

This week has been a good preparation for life on the road. I got in my car Tuesday morning, drove five hours, hung out with friends, crashed on a friend's couch. I stayed there for a few days. Then back on the road. Saw a concert, drove until I was too tired so I got a hotel room. The next day, I "explored" the area, then stayed at another hotel. And tomorrow, I'll be heading back - I almost wrote "heading back home" but then, is it really home? I mean, I'll only be living there for a few more days, the majority of my apartment is already packed up and mentally I've definitely said goodbye already.

So here are a few things I've learned about life on the road:
- I love singing along to CDs. Roadtrips on your own are a great time to learn lyrics to new songs...LoL.
- Hotwire is awesome. If you book a hotel room the day before, you can find something really cheap in awesome locations.
- Stop at Panera Bread. Free Wi-Fi and relatively healthy food. ;) (No, I do not get paid for promoting businesses or bands...haha.)
- And if you start feeling lonely, get out your phone, call a friend and tell them funny stories from the road.

Well, I should get back to work. I got roped into doing a training session about the summer reading program for our Orientation Staff. I've been off contract for over a week and I still get sucked into doing things - argh! I know, I know, I could have just said no but you know me, "no" isn't really in my vocabulary. ;)

The Adventure begins...

2009-05-19T22:45:00.001-07:00

I love not having any work to do!!!

As I'm sure anyone who follows this blog knows, I am a workaholic. When I'm working, I work all the time - and when I'm not working, I think about work.

But I also LOVE vacations. Like with everything else in my life, I don't just have time off or go on vacation - I go all out. So if I'm "relaxing at home," I may not get out of bed all day and just sleep and read and sleep and read (usually a Harry Potter book). And when I decide to leave and go somewhere, I don't just go somewhere on some boring grown-up vacation; oh no, it has to be an adventure.

After a few boring days of packing, I decided it was time to GO SOMEWHERE. I haven't stopped thinking about going to that concert 11 1/2 hours away - and after some phone calls, it didn't seem like such a crazy idea anymore - well, maybe a little crazy but in a good way, right? I mean, I don't have to do the drive in one day - I have NOTHING TO DO RIGHT NOW!!! Haha. I'm really excited about that in case you haven't noticed.

So I got up early this morning, packed a bag, got in the car and drove five hours to see one of my former RAs. I've missed her!!! We hung out, chatted, laughed - it was so nice just to catch up - and yes, I realize it's only been a little more than a week since we last saw each other. And it's nice not being the supervisor anymore. ;) Not that it was ever a challenge supervising her - she was one of my superstar RAs, but it's nice just being the mentor/older friend.

In the late afternoon, we drove another two hours to a concert - haha, big surprise there!
The concert was at a church - a youth group thing. Yes, the same band I saw Saturday. I could seriously watch them every day - they're simply AMAZING! Their lead singer - let's call him Jeremy, Jasper or whatever (sorry, inside joke) - just gets so into it and it's obvious that he just LOVES what he does and is having the time of his life. I love watching people that are passionate about what they're doing. I mean, that's what I love about Student Affairs - the fact that I have the opportunity to help students figure out what they are passionate about and then support them in achieving their dreams. And here's someone who is living his dream. It's so inspiring to see that and get to be a tiny part of it.

Now, I'm sure you're wondering what the name of this mystery band is? Because I KNOW you are all itching to go to their MySpace page and listen to their music...so here you go:
See The World
http://seetheworldmusic.com/
http://myspace.com/seetheworldmusic

Check them out and get inspired!

Summer Residents and Packing

2009-05-17T17:55:00.000-07:00

My building is being used as the summer residence hall; any students living here over the summer are staying here. I'm not the staff member responsible for it - hey, my contracted ended two days ago - so I have absolutely nothing to do with all this, but oh man, it's ANNOYING! I enjoyed having the building to myself. The quiet, the peacefulness. Being able to walk out your door and not run into any students. Being able to blast your music whenever you feel like it. Running down the hall in your pajamas taking out the trash. There's so many things I could do and now....

I just took a quick nap and woke up to loud - no, VERY loud talking in the hallway. They better cut that out in the evenings when I'm trying to go to bed.

It's just weird. It doesn't feel like the building is "mine" anymore. One of my colleagues has taken over my office. She's great and she's been trying to stay out of my way and keep others away from me as much as possible. But it's still strange to hear someone in the office - especially since it's attached to my apartment. I always walked in through that door; now I have to go around.

I'm more and more ready to get out of here. If these things would just pack themselves. Why do I have so much stuff???? I've been pretty good about throwing things away - well, relatively good. There's a few things I just can't part with: a copy of every newspaper from my days as editor at the student newspaper at my undergrad, the beautifully organized articles and notes from graduate school (I haven't looked at them once since I graduated...okay, not true, I did use one article once and I just looked through all of them again now, but still... worth it? I don't know), tons of pictures, stuffed animals, my collection of books (mostly series so there's always at least five or more), all my art supplies and and and. I tried to pack in a way that would make "sense" - to make unpacking easier but also to ensure that none of the boxes were too heavy (why did I get such big boxes?). It's not really working. Now I'm down to the odds and ends in most of the rooms; things that I just don't know what to do with or that are no fun sorting through/organizing. So I'm procrastinating.

But I got some new motivation this weekend: I went to a concert of a friend's band - and he joked about how I should come to another concert next Saturday. The concert is - wait for it - 11 1/2 hours away. And yes, I'm seriously considering going. I thought about stopping by a friend's place that's half-way, maybe catch one or two concerts on the way (I mean, the band's kinda going in the same direction I would...just with a few detours). But I'd probably have to leave on Tuesday.

I don't have to check out of my apartment until May 31st, but if I leave for a week or so, I'd probably want to have the majority packed, so I can come back, spend a few nights, get some good rest and take a few long showers, and then hit the road. So this is now my motivation to continue packing....

It's going to be legen - wait for it - dary

2009-05-15T20:34:00.000-07:00

You know how you watch a new TV show or hang out with a new group of people and they have a catch phrase they say over and over and over again - and at first you think it's funny and adorable - or maybe you think it's annoying and weird - but eventually you stop noticing it UNTIL one of your friends points out that you've started using that phrase.

At the end of April/beginning of May, when I was completely sucked into the Invisible Children world, I started saying "epic." A couple of the staff members said it at the Rescue events I was at. Then, Marcus and Cameron used it on the live feed. And soon I found myself thinking and saying it. Next year would be epic. My summer of adventures would be epic. The next WE THE LIVING concert would be epic. Seeing See The World (another one of my favorite bands) in concert would be epic. Epic, epic, epic.

Well, I recently got hooked on the TV show "How I Met Your Mother." And the two words that are now stuck in my head are "legendary" and "awesome."

I'm not new to "overusing" a word or phrase. Last year, I used "fabulous" all the time. Apparently, at a staff meeting, some of my RAs started counting how often I would say it. After someone pointed it out, I tried to vary my vocabulary a little more.

Anyway, this wasn't what I meant to blog about. I just wanted to tell you about something that is going to be EPIC, legen - wait for it - dary, awesome and fabulous. :)

Remember when I was telling you all about my interview and how I got to go to the construction of the new building and how absolutely amazing it was...

Well, here's the exciting news: I'm going to be one of the area coordinators of this new building. AND to make it even better: a graduate student from here, that I'm friends with, is going to be the other area coordinator. How awesome is that?

Never doubt that a small group of citizens can make a difference....

2009-05-11T20:51:00.001-07:00

There are so many organizations out there that fight for good causes. I've always struggled at choosing one or two of them; there are just so many things that I care about. I care about the environment; I love animals; I am against war; I believe in fighting inequality and and and.
But even I had to realize that we can't do everything. So I've tried to figure out ways to help the causes that mean the most to me without spreading myself to thin.

I'm a vegatarian because I don't like the way animals are treated. I don't believe that eating meat in itself is wrong - even though I'm not sure I could ever make myself eat meat again - but I believe that the way animals are treated in mass production of meat is wrong and I will not support the torture of innocent animals.

I recycle; I try to walk as often as possible instead of driving; I turn the lights in my apartment (and the rest of my building) off whenever I leave a room.

And I've become an active supporter of Invisible Children. I don't believe in war. But it always seemed to hard to do anything to stop the wars that are going on around the world. I mean, what was I, one person, supposed to do? Invisible Children has given me an opportunity to do something to try to end a war. And the fewer wars the better. War is NEVER the answer.

So on June 22-23, I'll be attending Invisible Children's Lobby Days because it is time to end Africa's longest running war and to rescue Joseph Kony's child soldiers and bring them home. It won't be easy - and it won't happen fast - but at least there's something I can do to act in accordance with my beliefs.

If you want to find out more about Lobby Days, go to howitends.tv.

And Invisible Children isn't the thing for you, I encourage you to find something that you are passionate about and then find a way to do something about it. It is time we all stand up for what we belive in and try to make this a better world!

Not just the end of another year...

2009-05-11T20:33:00.001-07:00

I closed my building on Friday. It was one of the smoothest closing I've ever had. No, of course everything didn't go over perfectly. There was the student who refused to clean his room. There were the two or three students who just left and didn't check out. There was the student, who at 7 pm, when the building was supposed to be closed, just started packing and said, "Oh, I didn't realize we had to be out by 7." Really? Like it hasn't been in every newsletter for the past month and a half, on a toilet talk posted in every toilet stall and on every bulletin board in the hall.
But the staff what they were supposed to do - check rooms, make sure refrigerators were clean, asking students to go back and clean more if necessary. Yeah, there was the one time I came to the Lobby and they were all playing video games and not really paying attention and nobody would get up when a student said she needed to be checked out; but after I asked them to pay better attention, they did and soon even turned off the video games.

There are so many reasons I need to get out of here, but my staff is definitely one of them. I couldn't have asked for a better staff for my last year here. They weren't perfect but they tried. I didn't have to worry about most of them; they did their job. Sometimes I felt like they could have run the building without me. They put their residents' needs first; they built relationships and helped their students with their transition to college. And after some pushing, most of them really embraced the idea of challenging our students to think about more serious topic and to initiate meaningful conversations.

I've also never had that hard of a time saying goodbye to a staff. I've become very close with many of them. In the past I've had RAs move on to other staff or not return as an RA - but they were always at the institution for at least another year and we knew we'd see each other occasionally. So we had that time to grow apart when we weren't living and working in the same building anymore and when they graduated, it was easier to say goodbye. This year, for the first time, I had RAs from my staff graduate and with me leaving, I had to say goodbye to all of them. I'm not good at saying goodbye. I just try to avoid it, not think about it, and then deal with it later. One of my RAs started crying when we said goodbye...that's never happened to me before. I felt like crying myself but was trying to be strong. I'm going to miss them....

Closing

2009-05-02T22:56:00.000-07:00

Friday was the last day of classes. In less than a week, we'll be closing the building.

I just spent the past hour putting together our Closing Binder. Closing is one of those things that should be simple and straight-forward but it never is. RAs forget to do something when checking out a resident. Residents say they are ready to check out but half their belongings are still in the room. Keys disappear. Trash rooms get - well, trashed.

I'm trying to be as organized as possible. RAs are assigned to specific jobs and I've stressed several times how important it will be to pay attention to every detail. I also made checklists that they can take with them when checking a room. My grads and I will also be double-checking every room before turning it over to Housekeeping.

Everything will be a little more stressful because we are housing parents of graduates for Commencement in my building. That means the Housekeeping staff needs to clean all of our rooms and common areas between Friday night and Saturday at noon. My staff and I will have to be even more on top of our work to make sure that we can turn rooms over as early as possible to the Housekeeping staff.

I'm not really nervous about Closing. I've closed buildings for several years now. But I'm also not really looking forward to it. Every year, I've run into some problems with RAs. Last year, for example, some of them forgot to check if residents had cleaned out the refrigerators - so I had to send them back to the room to clean those fridges before turning the rooms over to Housekeeping (after all, it wouldn't be fair to make Housekeeping pay for our mistakes). Then two keys were missing - we found them in the end but there was a few very uncomfortable conversations and a very upset and defensive RA. I'd really love to end with the staff on a positive note; so let's all keep our fingers crossed that we won't have any of these issues this year.

In the name of love, Oprah come and rescue us...

2009-05-01T12:19:00.000-07:00

On April 25th, thousands of people in 100 cities around the world abducted themselves to raise awareness to the plight of child soldiers in Uganda. The goal of The Rescue, an event organized by Invisible Children (www.invisiblechildren.com), is to end Africa's longest running war and to free Joseph Kony's child soldiers.

If you haven't watched Invisible Children - The Rough Cut yet, go to http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=3166797753930210643 and watch the 55 minute documentary that started it all. Then, go to http://therescue.invisiblechildren.com and check out the 30 minute documentary about The Rescue.

So on April 25th, one of my friends and I grabbed our sleeping bags and drove to one of the cities participating in The Rescue. We met up with several hundred volunteers at the Abduction spot. After some waiting, we split up into groups of 20; each group had a long rope that participants held on to; and then we started marching to our LRA Camp. We sat up camp, wrote letters to senators and other people of cultural or political influence, listened to music, hung out an waited...

What were we waiting for? To be rescued!
To be rescued, we had to be covered by a major media outlet and a person of cultural or political significance had to come and read The Rescue anthem.

Our city was rescued Saturday evening. We had planned on spending the night; and a large group of people still stuck around, spent the night and then marched past the media outlets in the morning to get some more coverage - but my friend decided that she had too much work to do, so we headed back home.

I woke up Sunday and checked the Invisible Children Web site to see how other cities had been doing. There was still a significant number that hadn't been rescued. There was also a live feed from the headquarter in San Diego where we could watch and find out about what was going on around the world. I started watching....and soon I was hooked.

And then I heard the story of Chicago. Chicago had started out strong; 3,000 participants. But a few minutes into the march, torrential downpours. The number dropped to 100. The participants were standing under a bridge, then spent the night in a Tunnel. The number went back up to 400. They stayed at a student center, then moved to a church. And no rescuer in sight!
I was watching the continuous call on the live feed for volunteers to drive up to Chicago and for all of us to contact potential rescuers. I had planned on going to a concert that night but what was more important? I'm not necessarily close to Chicago, but it's a doable driving distance. I thought about it a little more and then, I just went. I got in my car and several hours later, I was in Chicago - in time to crash on the floor next to hundreds of other volunteers. The next morning, we moved out to Federal Plaza. We were writing more letters while the organizers were trying to figure out a new way to reach potential rescuer. Almost all cities had been rescued by now. We were waiting on a few. Rescue riders were leaving the rescued cities and driving to the ones that were still waiting.

I had to leave a few hours later; I had to get back to work. But I was thinking, I didn't really have much going on this week - at least not after Monday. Monday night was a program I couldn't miss, which is why I decided to head back to work. But Tuesday, I only had a 1:1 with my supervisor; Wednesday a team meeting and that was it for the week. It's the week before finals and my staff and students are all busy preparing for finals. My annual report was done. I really couldn't see a reason why I couldn't head back to Chicago after Monday night.

Well, my supervisor saw it differently. She didn't really say no - but she said it was a really bad time for me to leave the building right now (As If? Last weekend was bad because it was the last weekend before Finals, so everyone was out partying and we had a transport to the hospital and another documentation...but now it's really quiet) and that she would let me make that decision but she thinks I'm a good enough professional to make the right decision.
Seriously!?! If she didn't want me to go, just say no. Then I'll be frustrated but I'll get over it. Don't play these stupid mind games with me. I know she didn't want me to go.

Well, I didn't go and I've regretted it ever since. But I'm going off on a tangent; this post was supposed to be about Invisible Children.

Here's what I love about Invisible Children: it's what my living learning community is all about; it's about making change, finding something you're passionate about and standing up for it. The three filmmakers went to Uganda in search of a story and found a passion and a cause that they've been working for ever since! That's exactly what I want my students to learn/experience (well, maybe not to that extent but you know what I mean).
And the guys have developed a movement that allows students in high school and college to get involved and make a difference. I've never seen so many students become so passionate about an issue. Raising money, sleeping outside, talking to policy makers, ....

Seven days later, the group in Chicago was still going strong this morning. They headed up to Oprah's studios early in the morning (they did a song/dance in front of Oprah's studios yesterday...it was amazing...you should check it out the video from one of the practices: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4MC0hBf6wtI); today they built a line all around Oprah's studios. Oprah saw them as she came in and was curious what was going on. In spite of all of our efforts, she herself hadn't heard about The Rescue yet. All of our communication hadn't gone past her PR staff.

A few minutes later, the three filmmakers found themselves in a meeting with Oprah; Oprah changed around her show and Invisible Children Chicago - the last city - was RESCUED!

AHHHH, Oprah is on right now. I gotta watch this!!!!

The interview - Part 3

2009-05-01T10:43:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, I've kept you waiting for quite some time. But this week blogging just wasn't the first thing on my mind - Invisible Children's The Rescue has been. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go to www.invisiblechildren.com right NOW...and if you read this before Friday, May 1st at 4 pm, make sure to watch Oprah!!! As we like to say at Invisible Children, "It's going to be EPIC."

But more about that in my next entry....

So back to the interview. I got the offer! Right then and there - at the end of my interview day. They asked me to step out for a few minutes while they were looking at the forms. Then, they asked me to come back in for a few follow-up questions and THEN I got the offer! :)

And yes, I accept. I liked this school, I liked the position, I love the area it's in...so why wouldn't I? I have a friend who works there; I know someone else who will start working there in the Fall.

This was the easiest job search process I've been through - well, I've only been through two...LoL. But seriously, I only had one on-campus interview and it worked out; how awesome is that?

So now I just have a few weeks here, then my month and a half vacation and then it's off to a new job and a new school. :)

The Interview - Part 2

2009-04-23T13:08:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you've all been waiting anxiously to hear how my interview went, so here we go...

One of my least favorite moments of on-campus interviews is when you get off the airplane and walk toward baggage claim looking for the person that is supposed to pick you up. It's just nerve-racking. Will you find them? Will you make a fool out of yourself? You don't want to look around too anxious or scared because what kind of first impression would that make. But you also don't want to walk along too confidently or they won't realize you're "the candidate" and you may miss them. My heart always starts beating like crazy at these times - it's like when you're at Placement and are sitting in the Waiting Room. Just thinking about that makes me nervous...LoL.

Anyway, I found the staff members picking me up. We got my luggage. I was trying very hard to make small talk - after all, I wanted to make a good impression. I can be rather quiet and introverted when I don't know people; so it takes some effort to come up with topics to talk about and remember that I shouldn't just stand there quietly.

That evening, one of the staff members took me out to dinner and showed me the area. Afterwards, I called one of my friends from grad school who works at that institution and we met up and hung out for a while. I hadn't seen her in years and it was wonderful to catch up. We kept thinking/dreaming about what it were like if we both worked at the same institution - and then I had to stop myself from getting too excited because after all, I needed to get the job first.

I was staying in a vacant Area Coordinator apartment, which was nice because it allowed me to see what the apartment I'd live in could look like.

The next day, I got up early and got ready for the interview. Another moment I don't like - the waiting in the apartment to be picked up. You just sit there and get progressively more nervous. AHHHH!!!

I got a campus tour, interviewed with different groups of people (Residence Life, Housing, Campus Partners, RAs) - I really enjoyed the interview with the RAs. They just had a lot of energy and enthusiasm and were "fun" to talk to.

I soon realized that I could really work there. Not everything would be perfect - but I have long ago given up on the idea of finding the "perfect" job. I don't think that exists. In every job, there will be some things that you'll love and others that you aren't that fond of. The question is whether there are enough things you like and enjoy doing to weigh out the ones you don't love that much.

The position is called an Area Coordinator but it is basically a Hall Director. Why do we call things differently at each institution? Do we just try to make things confusing? But I guess that's a topic for another blog. So anyway, I'd be supervising a staff, managing a building or area, working with committees, doing some judicial - exactly the type of position that one of my colleagues would consider a "step down" for me but also exactly the things I enjoy doing. There's also a chance I may get to work with RHA and NRHH and if you've been following the blog, you know that I LOVE doing that. :)

I know I'd enjoy living there. I'm a workaholic, but one of the few things that can get me away from work is the beach. And I'd only be a few miles from the beach. The department really values balance and encourages that a lot - from making sure that after-hours, only the duty person gets called to allowing employees to take weekends off on a regular basis if they're not on call. What a change that would be!!! Even workaholic-me may have a life there.

And having nice weather all year long...how amazing would that be?

I tried hard throughout the day not to fall too much in love with the school. I just didn't want to get my hopes up and then possibly be disappointed.

It helps that, as much as I can be very impulsive and tend to fall in love quickly, I would also consider myself to be a realist. I knew I wouldn't love everything about this job. The department is very set on dressing business casual during office hours and we all know I don't like to dress up. Not being able to wear jeans and a nice shirt to the office will be a struggle. And they won't even let you wear nice flip flops or sandals. Come on!!! Oh well, I don't mind dressing up as much when it's warm out - and I guess I'll have to get used to that eventually anyway, right?

I'm not sure how I feel about their programming model. It's just very basic and leaves a lot of responsibility up to the RAs. I've really embraced the Residential Curriculum in the past two years and truly believe that we, as Master level professionals, should play an active role in program planning - but hey, these are things that can be changed, right? I mean I'll give "their way of doing things" a chance...and then, once I've gotten to know the institution and the department, I will start bringing in some suggestions for changes. I got the impression that the office is very open to change as it is still growing and developing - and come on, you know me, I love CHANGE. Haha.

My last part of the interview was a tour of the construction site of a new residence hall and let me tell you... WHOA BABY!!! That building will be AMAZING! And in everything they did, they thought about what would work best for the staff and for programming. To work in such a facility....

Why do bad things always happen on/around my birthday?

2009-04-16T16:47:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. I'm in the middle of telling you all about "the interview" and now I suddenly post this entry about a completely different topic. No worries, the interview story will continue...soon.
But I had to get something else off my chest....

Why do bad things always happen on/around my birthday? Over the past few years, it just seems that bad things always happen just around this time of the year. And then it's my birthday and people expect me to be super happy and excited...and I can't because there's too much bad stuff going on. So in the last few years, I've started trying to ignore my birthday. I don't really celebrate; I avoid people so I don't have to hear them wishing me a happy birthday and expect me to be all happy/cheerful in return when I'm just wondering what the next bad thing is that will happen.
I'm usually not superstitious and yes, my brain definitely tells me that it's just been a coincidence that some bad things have happened around my birthday, but still....

So anyway, this year...

Well, there was the whole car issue (see "The Interview - Part I"). Granted, it didn't happen ON my birthday but four days before. I did have the pleasure though to dealing with it ON my birthday. I woke up early to call AAA to have my car towed to the dealership. Then, I was on the phone with the dealership several times throughout the day trying to figure out what was going on (they had to drain the tank and clean out the fuel system and all that - they thought there could be more damage, fortunately they at least "think" now that there isn't...they're not sure though and I'm supposed to keep an eye on that); I got to pay $279 for all this; I met with the police and filed a police report.
I had wanted to go to the movies on my birthday. I had scheduled some late-evening evaluation meetings with my RAs, but there was this long break in the middle of the day. So I figured, since I was working in the evening, why not take a couple hours off and go to the movies. The Hannah Montana movie is out. I know, childish, cheesy, all this...still, I enjoy the Disney channel and I'm sure I'll enjoy this movie. So yeah, that was my plan. But then, without my car, I couldn't go because it wasn't playing in town and I didn't have anyone who'd drive me to the next town or who'd want to go to the movie with me. So much for having fun on your birthday....

I was in a pretty crappy mood but I kept telling myself, "Don't worry. At least you'll have fun this weekend." Because for this weekend, one of my friends and I had planned to go to Denver for a concert and just to get away from here and have fun. That was supposed to be my birthday celebration! It'd also be the first real vacation I'm taking this semester. Needless to say, I've been looking forward to this all semester!!!

So anyway, I wake up this morning with a killer headache. Great! I drag myself to the office; do work - one thing after the other keeps going wrong. Residents telling Housing I'm saying things I never said (actually I said exactly the opposite); Housing (instead of calling me to check) calls my supervisor and then I get that lovely phone call from my supervisor. I'm still dealing with key issues that started at the beginning of April. Students messing up RSVP numbers for our banquet on Monday and me having to call and change those - and then receiving fun e-mails that are suggesting "nicely" that I'm an idiot. Me trying to figure out where exactly the concert tomorrow is and being unable to do so - being transferred back and forth between the same offices until I finally gave up and figured I'll just go there, drive around and try to find it.
The whole time, the thing that cheers me up: tomorrow you'll be far away from here and having a great time!!!!

And then I get a phone call from my friend. It's supposed to snow tomorrow in Denver and her parents are forbidden her to fly. What!?! We can't cancel anything at this point. Yes, it's supposed to snow - and if it gets really bad there's a chance that our flight will be cancelled. But there's also a chance it won't. And me, for my part, am very willing to take that chance. Okay, so if we make it to Denver and it snows a lot, we may not be able to do all the things we wanted to do. But we'll still be far away from here, in a hotel with a swimming pool, relaxing and having a great time! Isn't that worth it? I mean, we already paid for all this...
And yes, if it gets really bad, they'll cancel the flight and we won't be able to go. But let's at least try and go to the airport and see what happens.

Argh! I can't believe this is happening. I'm still going to Denver. But my friend doesn't want to make her parents angry; so it looks like my fabulous birthday celebration that I've been looking forward to for months will be a very lonely adventure.

I guess we jinxed ourselves by calling it "my birthday celebration."

The interview - Part 1

2009-04-16T09:23:00.000-07:00

I got in my car to drive to Wal-mart (I don't like Wal-mart...I definitely don't want to support Wal-mart...but when you live in a small college town, you don't have many other options for some quick shopping). I noticed the motor sounded funny. I turned down the music. Yes, this definitely didn't sound normal. I pull over. What was wrong? Oh, the cap to my gas tank was open. Strange! I hadn't gotten gas in at least two or three weeks; there's no way it could have been open for that long without me noticing. And it's not like it just opens by itself.
I closed it and got back in my car. Was the weird sound still there? I couldn't really tell. I made it to Wal-mart and back, parked my car and went back to my apartment.

That night, I packed for my on-campus interview. I tried to pack light, after all I was going for only one and half days. But - with different shoes and interview outfits - it wasn't an easy task. Finally, I had everything and it was time to go to bed.

The next morning, I got up early. I showered, straightened my hair, threw a few more things in my suitcase. It was early, so I took my time, played around on the computer. Finally I got my stuff and walked out to the parking lot. I got in my car, turned the key and...
The motor started but it sounded really strange. Then it died. Various warning lights came on. AHHHH!!! Okay, let's not panic. I took a deep breath, turned the key again - same thing. Oh man, what am I gonna do? I looked at the time. I had about an hour and a half before I had to be at the airport - it takes an hour to get there. What could I do? There was no way I could get AAA to come and look at my car in time - and them fixing it in time - no way. Who could I call? I hate calling people. I hate having to ask for favors. I started dialing numbers.... The first few people weren't there. Then, one of my colleagues picked up. I felt horrible having to ask him, but what else could I do?

I just made it to the airport. I was trying to concentrate on the upcoming interview and forget about my car. But how could I not think about it? What could be wrong with it? I remembered that the cap for the gas tank had been open. Could someone have poured something in my gas tank? That would be so mean! But then, I couldn't think of any other explanation. And why else would the gas tank be open???

Finally... but then again...

2009-04-09T18:40:00.000-07:00

Finally something is going right in my life. The school that has offered me an on-campus interview and that was looking into my visa status got back to me and told me that it shouldn't be a problem. *Sigh* I'm so relieved. I still haven't heard from anyone else but I have one interview and it's for a school I really really liked. If this could just work out....

But then I had an "interesting" 1:1 with my supervisor this week. She asked how the job search was going and I gave her the update - I'm getting really sick of having to relive all these issues over and over again - and then she started asking me if I was applying for more jobs and what I was doing to make sure I get a job. I think she believes that I don't take this job search seriously enough. But to honest, I just can't do it anymore. Everytime I am told by an institution that they cannot hire me because of my visa status, a little of the love I have for this country and working in Student Affairs vanishes. I'm not sure how many more rejections I can handle...because it's not like they gave me a fair chance to apply and then maybe I don't get the job because there was a more qualified candidate or someone that just "fit" better at that institution - I could handle that - but not even being given a chance, not even being able to prove that I would be a great employee...it's not fair! It feels like I'm not just being turned down from a job, it feels like I'm not wanted in this country.

Yes, it's my own fault. I wanted to move her. I fell in love with working with college students and wanted to pursue a career doing what I love. But I've also given up a lot - I don't get to see my family very often; I rarely see my three best friends. It's hard living on your own, having to deal with everything on your own.

I chose this and I can handle it, but when I'm constantly being turned down, when it feels like this country doesn't want me...that's just too much.

If this on-campus interview works out, FABULOUS. If another school I like calls me and offers me an on-campus interview and it works out, GREAT. But if it doesn't, then maybe it just wasn't meant to happen. Because honestly, I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired, tired of trying, tired of fighting. I just want to crawl into bed and not think and not have to deal with life anymore.

I was okay after I heard from the school that offered me the on-campus. I was more than okay, I was thrilled. I was excited. I had to stop myself from dreaming about that new job already, making plans about moving there, thinking about the fun times we'd have when my friends would visit. I was living a dream...

And now, after a 1:1 with my supervisor, I'm sitting here, tears in my eyes, ready to give up. Isn't that the opposite of what 1:1's should do?

I'm seriously scared...

2009-04-04T10:29:00.000-07:00

I don't even know where to start...

I came back from ACPA three days ago and it feels like it's been a lifetime ago. Toward the end of ACPA and when I first got back, I was worrying about what type of positions I should consider - would it be okay if I stayed with a Hall Director-level position or should I try and get a mid-manager position? I lost sleep over it; I called friends, colleagues and mentors and asked for advice; I kept going over job responsibilities; and and and. I tried to figure out which positions would be my top choices - if they called for an on-campus interview - so I'd know which ones I wanted to go to and if there were any where I wouldn't accept an on-campus interview.
Now all this seems stupid and I'm just hoping to get a job...

But before I jump to what's going on now, I do want to fill you in on the last few days.

There definitely weren't as many positions at ACPA as there had been in past years, especially if I looked for mid-manager level positions. I applied for a few mid-manager positions - many of them at smaller institutions, private, some religiously affiliated. I also applied for Hall Director positions, some where I would be supervising graduate students (something I already do here) and some where I wouldn't. I thought interviews went alright - well apparently the one at the school that initially told me that they weren't doing second interviews but then did those didn't go so well (see my previous post) but other than that, I got a number of second interviews and other schools seemed interested (and I actually believe that they did not do second interviews). But what I was finding was that either loved the institution and the people I would be working with or I found a postition that would be a good next step in my career.

Would it be such a bad idea to work as a Hall Director? Even if I didn't have grads to supervise anymore, there are still things I could learn from these positions. I'd get to know a different institution, a different department, a new way of doing things. I would see how a more traditional Residence Life department functions, one that doesn't combine Residence Life and Academic Advising. If I want to be a Director of Residence Life, wouldn't that be a good experience?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I really wanted to make my personal life and my happiness a priority. I've always made every decision based on what would be best for my career. I picked the positions, the schools - not the places I wanted to live. And while I love my job, I don't love living here. I'm a workaholic and I'd probably be a workaholic everywhere - but when there aren't many things to do around here for me (at least not things I really enjoy doing), it's even easier to just get stuck in the office every evening. So for once, I want to move to a place that I'll enjoy living in. But I also don't want to commit professional suicide. Would I be able to explain at a future interview why I decided to stay in a similar position or even "take a step back"?

One of my colleagues has been giving me a hard time, saying that I'm selling myself short and that I'm making a mistake. It's so frustrating. He just doesn't seem to understand what's important to me. For the past three years, colleagues have been giving me a hard time about not having balance in my life - now that I'm trying to make a decision based on my happiness and personal life, they're once again giving me a hard time. Argh!

I called friends, colleagues and mentors. While most seemed hesitant to advise me to take a position where I wouldn't be supervising grads and would "just" be a Hall Director, they also didn't say that I shouldn't do that. And I get it - supervising grads would be a good experience if I want to move on to a position supervising full-time staff. But I've done this for the past three years and while it may seem a little backwards, it doesn't take that experience away from me.

I just feel like I've been on this fast track - moving up quickly. I was an RA for only one year - then became a Senior RA for my building, so I didn't have residents anymore but worked with the staff. The following year, I was the Senior RA for the entire campus, so I didn't even have a building staff anymore. I enjoyed the positions and liked the additional responsibilities, but I missed having residents, I missed being part of a staff. Then, I was a grad student; first an assistant to a coordinator, which was great because I got experience working with five very different housing areas; then I ran the Family Housing area, again a great and unique experience but I just never had my own traditional student staff, the experience of running a traditional residence hall, doing judicial, building community and so on. My first full-time position, I got to supervise grads, I academically advised - I've had a great experience but I've also been stressed all the time. I've always felt like I haven't had enough time for my staff and for the students. I don't make it to as many programs as I like. And after three years, I'm just tired. Not just the not-having-gotten-enough-sleep tired but the I-don't-want-to-get-up-and-go-to-work tired. I don't want to be tired anymore. I want to have time to focus on the things I enjoy doing. I want to have time for my staff and my students. I want to have a traditional Residence Life experience.

But like I said at the beginning of this post, all these worries seem pointless now. I just want/need a job. I've had two schools contact me and offer me on-campus interviews. Once I told them that I'm not a US citizen but am here on an H1B visa, they had to check with their Human Resources Department - and after doing that, called me back to tell me that they would not be able to hire me. It's not their fault - one of them seemed really sad when she told me. If HR says no, it's no.

I told one of my supervisors and he couldn't believe it. Americans rarely understand how hard it is to find a job when you're not a citizen or permanent resident. And I understand that the US needs to be strict with their immigration laws - but wouldn't you think they'd make an exception for someone who has a bachelor's and master's degree from American institutions and has lived here for 9 years.

One school is currently checking into whether or not they'd be able to hire me. They said they don't think it should be a problem, but after having gotten a "no" from two other schools, I'm really nervous. I would absolutely love to work at that school. I really enjoyed my interviews with them. I like the position. And I LOVE the city I'd be living in. I even know someone who works there...it'd just be perfect. Awww, I'm so nervous. And if I get a "no" from them, I'm not even sure if anyone else will offer me an on-campus interview. My list is getting shorter and shorter...

I'm seriously scared.

Uh uh, not cool

2009-04-03T00:38:00.000-07:00

So the CD I got from this school - I don't think it'll be opened.

At the end of my interview, I asked what their process looked like. And they told me that they were not planning on doing second interviews at the conference but would just return home, look through all their notes and then contact candidates in regards to on-campus interviews. I left the table in good spirits, thinking the interview had gone alright and being pretty excited about this opportunity.

Two days later, I noticed that another candidate was having a second interview with that school. What!?! At first I thought, maybe I'd been wrong. I mean, they had TOLD me that they were not planning on having second interviews. I started watching that table a little more closely. Oh yes, these candidates were definitely having one hour interviews (and mine had only been half an hour) and I was pretty sure I was recognizing candidates who had interviewed with them before.

Oh, so NOT cool!!!

If you don't like me, that's fine. But don't give me wrong information.

Oh well, ....

I'm back from ACPA and the job search has moved into the next stage: the on-campus/decision-making stage. NOT one of my favorite stages. But more about that later. (Sorry, it's just that it's late and I really need to go to bed and that next entry will probably be a rather lengthy one because there's a lot to talk about/process.)

ACPA

2009-03-28T20:16:00.000-07:00

I'm at ACPA and in the middle of job searching. I had four interviews today. I have a few more scheduled for the rest of placement. I've also dropped off four more resumes today. So overall, it's going alright. At least I'm finally focusing on job searching.

Everyone keeps asking me how the interviews have been going and I just don't know what to say. I have a really hard time judging how they go. I remember last time around, there were some interviews that I thought went really well and then I never heard from those institutions. So I'd rather not say anything this time. People also keep asking me what my top choices are - again, something I don't want to think about. I don't want to get too attached to a school, then not get an interview and be heart broken. There is one school that I'm really really interested in and I loved our interview this morning, but if I said that out loud it'd make it more real and then what if they don't invite me on campus? No, it's better to try and leave my options open, not get attached and then fall in love with schools ONLY IF they offer me an on-campus interview. I even got a CD from the school I liked with more information about them - I want to look at it really badly but I'm not going to until I hear from them again. I just couldn't handle it....

Benefit Concert & ACPA

2009-03-26T18:22:00.000-07:00

I apologize for not having posted in a while.

The Benefit Concert is over. After a few days of floating in seventh heaven, it's time to get back to reality. But I do want to gloat for a tiny little bit...hehe. We raised over $2,000 for Invisible Children, collected about 450 books and celebrated our success with over 150 guests at the Benefit Concert. The concert went relatively smoothly - a few frustrating moments, a few last-minute issues but we were able to handle everything well and nobody noticed. My volunteers were amazing. The a-cappella group was awesome and band sounded fabulous. I've had so many students come up to me and tell me that they now understand why I love this band and their music so much. Makes me want to say, "Told you so." Haha. All in all, a total success! I finally feel like I left that legacy I wanted to leave, had that final awesome event that now allows me to leave - knowing that I did what I came here to do.

We're not done with Invisible Children though. We found out about their national event - The Rescue - and decided to try and get a group of students to go to Cincinnati and participate. You should check it out at therescue.invisiblechildren.com. More info about this initiative coming soon.

So job searching....ahhh, the pain of my existence right now.

I had a phone interview this week. I hate phone interviews. I feel like my accent comes out more, then I become self-conscious and then I stop thinking about the question and start thinking about my accent. I make faces at myself because I think about what I just said and realize it sounded stupid; and then that throws me off even more. Argh!

I have six interviews lined up for ACPA. I haven't really had time to do any research on the institutions yet. I need to do that tonight. It's going to be a LONG night.

Okay, I should run. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Job Search and Concert Update

2009-03-18T18:21:00.000-07:00

Countdown: 9 days until ACPA, 3 days until the Invisible Children Benefits Concert

I have a killer headache right now. I took a nap, hoping that it'll get better. It has not. :(

I haven't slept much in the past few days. Between getting ready for the concert and job searching, there just hasn't been much time for sleep. But things are slowly falling into place. My to do list for the concert is still considerable, but with some luck I may actually be able to get everything done in time. I was putting up posters with my co-chair today and a student, who saw us, said she was excited for the concert and would be coming. Yay! It seems that the word has gotten out there.

Things are also slowly falling into place on the job search front. I now have three interviews set up for ACPA. I also have one phone interview set up.

All those interviews are for Hall Director-type positions. I've been applying for a mix between coordinator/Assistant Director-type positions and Hall Director jobs. I wouldn't mind being a Hall Director again - as long as it's in a location I really like - but I'd also like to at least get a try at some coordinator/Assistant Director position interviews...just to see if it's even a possibility. I haven't applied to many of those positions yet, so maybe that's why, but it's still making me feel a bit uneasy that I haven't heard anything. It's just making me question whether or not I'm ready/qualified for these type of positions. My colleagues and supervisors all tell me that I am and that I should try to become a coordinator or Assistant Director. So why am I not getting interviews for those positions?

But hey, at least I have some interviews set up now. I did submit a couple more applications this morning and have a few more jobs selected that I will apply for later this week....whenever I find time to do that.

Frustration

2009-03-16T01:30:00.000-07:00

Hey there,

Spring Break is over and I can't say that I'm upset about it. I loved being in Florida - I really love the beach and sun...I need to move south!!! But being with students - even when it is in a "fun" setting is just exhausting. You have to be "on" 24 hours a day...and I was not in the mood for that. I had the job search to worry about, the upcoming Invisible Children Concert that's giving me a headache (more about that later), other work-related issues, personal stuff; I just needed a few moments each day to myself. But getting those was basically impossible.

One day, I thought I'd be really smart and I sent everyone away for dinner while I stayed in to get some work done. I had barely turned on my computer, when my phone rang. Three of students didn't like the restaurant everyone else picked, had left and were now stranded somewhere on the side of the road. I had to go pick them up, drive them to Burger King, wait until they got their food. Then they wanted to stop at Baskin Robbins for ice cream. By the time we got back, the rest of the group was also on their way back. And once again I didn't get any work done.

I finally managed to escape the following day. We went to the beach. When we got out of the van, I told everyone to meet back up at 7:30 pm (after dinner). We walked down to the beach together. When they started pulling out their beach towels, I said needed to make a few phone calls and would just walk down the beach. I walked and walked until I couldn't see them anymore. Finally free!!! I wondered along the beach. I went swimming. I relaxed. I listened to the sounds of nature. I felt like a human being again!
I even decided to skip dinner just to have a few more minutes at the beach. Who needs food when you have a beach and there's no students around?!?

I did really enjoy working on the construction site. Maybe, in case this job search doesn't work out, I have a future as a construction worker. LoL. I'm afraid they don't give visas for that.
But I do greatly enjoy working with my hands once in a while. It's a nice change of pace from sitting in the office.

Needless to say, the job search didn't go well this week. I tried to sneak away a couple times in the evening to write some more cover letters and apply for jobs. I managed to get a few more applications out but not many. I'm starting to panic a little. ACPA is only two weeks away (not even) and so far, I only have one interview set up. AHHHH!!! I know I just sent out some applications Monday and I realize that people were at NASPA and The Placement Exchange, but shouldn't they have gotten back to me by now? What if nobody's interested in hiring me?

Okay, can't panic. I don't have time for that right now. I don't have time for anything right now really. I got back and I haven't been feeling well since. I fell asleep on my couch last night and didn't wake up until this morning at 9 am. I still wasn't feeling much better and after attempting to do work for a while, I gave up and took another nap, which lasted basically all day. I spent the evening putting up banners for the concert - there was a lot of cursing involved. I usually don't curse but this was an exception...seriously...either the trees were planted too far apart, didn't have branches on the bottom or just weren't in a good location. I brought my piano stool with me - yes, I love running around with a piano stool; that doesn't make me look like an idiot at all - and had one of my reliable and amazing RAs with me, who had offered to help me - even though this project isn't part of her responsibility. I can't even count the number of times I almost fell off the stool. I almost hit myself in the face with a knife. I did hit myself in the chest with the tape (fortunately it was just the tape and not the knife). I lost all feeling in my toes and fingers.

This concert was supposed to be fun. Lately it's become a source for quite a lot of frustration. I had a staff member working with me but she's been so stressed over everything lately that she hasn't been much help. I feel like I'm alone with this. I have some great staff members who've been helping out (one helped me paint banners for hours before break; the other one volunteered to help get donations and helped me put up all those sheets tonight...and promised to come along tomorrow and Tuesday to put up more sheets), but in the end all the responsibility falls on me. And if this wasn't enough stress, the band I'm working with has also been giving me a headache lately. They have a new production manager and I can't say that I'm a fan. Today, I noticed that he had changed the picture for the Facebook event for our concert. I had just put up one of the Invisible Children Benefit Concert posters. He changed it to a picture with just the band on it. Argh! This is wrong in so many ways...
1) This is an Invisible Children Benefit Concert. It's about Invisible Children, not about the band.
2) We have one of our a cappella groups performing. They're performing for free while I still have to pay the band. So they definitely deserve some recognition and publicity!
3) Hardly anyone on our campus knows the band. So it's not like they'd draw a large audience. Students here care about Invisible Children, so that'll draw an audience. Students love our a cappella group - that'll draw an audience. A no-name band will not.
And okay, this may be a childish reason but 4) This is my event. I've been working on this for months. He had no right to go in and change my picture. If he didn't like it, he could have sent me a message and asked me to change it. That would have been the polite thing to do. He's not managing Coldplay. This band still needs their fans, especially ones like me who are willing to organize events for them.

Maybe it's just the stress but I'm seriously upset. I'm seriously tempted to say, "Forget about it" and just cancel the concert. This is not worth it!!!

Okay, enough venting. I have tons of work to do. It's 4:30 am and there's no chance I'll get any sleep tonight. What a great way to start the week....

Service vs. Activism

2009-03-10T21:33:00.000-07:00

I've done a lot of service lately - especially because of my living learning community theme...well and obviously I'm on a service trip right now (that I organized...what was I thinking?!?). But I'm honestly not sure if doing service is "the right thing." It feels like it's just a short-term solution to a long-term problem. Wouldn't it be more beneficial if we became activitist, get politically engaged and try to problems in our country that lead to us needing to do service? If we could change political systems and our society so that nobody would live in poverty, we wouldn't have to do service (at least not locally). But then again, if we count on/wait for those long-term solutions, what about all the people living in poverty right now?!? I guess it's one of those situations where you need to find a good balance between the two.
Just a thought....

Spring Break

2009-03-09T14:26:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone,

We now have Spring Break but "overachiever me" is not relaxing at home or at least focusing on job searching; no, I had to organize this alternative spring break trip for my residents. We're in Fort Walton Beach, FL and it's been a good trip but somehow I'm having a hard time really getting into it. I'm fine when I'm on the construction site (today was our first day there) and am busy doing things - but when we're hanging out in the evenings (well, really just yesterday and today), I am grumpy - wishing I was either with friends or alone doing something productive.

I'm starting to freak out a little about job searching. I don't have a single interview set up yet. I've only applied for three positions so far. What am I thinking??? I really need to get on the ball with this but I'm not sure how much I'll be able to accomplish this week. Take today as an example: We were at the construction site, we got back, a couple of us went for a run, then I took a shower and only now have I turned on my laptop to do some work. And of course there's e-mails to check and respond to and all these other things I would much rather do. I also have a headache and am just tired. Not good!

The students I'm on the trip with are really nice but there isn't anyone that I would usually hang out with. So whenever I have a conversation, they're either very student-hall director focused or are job-related (with the two grads that are here). Nobody to get excited with me about news regarding my favorite band; nobody to talk to about the crazy things I've done this semester or those that are coming up.

I'm also spending most of my time thinking about the Invisible Children Benefits Concert we're hosting next week. There's so much work that still needs to get done and me not being in Oxford right now is just not convenient. We need more donations, need to contact newspapers and radio stations (in hope that one of them will cover this event, and get promotional materials out. I just really hope this event turns out alright.

Wow, I almost fell asleep just now. I could feel my eyes closing and had to force myself to open them again. This is not good! Maybe I'll run to the store really quickly, take care of all the shopping and grab some food on the way - and then really focus on job searching later this evening.

Wish me luck!!!

PS: I think I should be freaking out...and part of me is...but overall, I'm really not. I'm feeling pretty apathetic toward this whole job search drama, which probably isn't a good attitude to have. What do you think?

Ups and downs...

2009-03-02T22:31:00.000-08:00

It's been an interesting few days - yes, since Thursday when I last rambled on about my life on this blog. It feels like it's been much longer than a few days.

The resident situations continued to keep me on my feet. My supervisor must be sick of all the e-mails she's been getting from me; I've tried to label them clearly as there's several situations going on at the same time; each just as concerning and frustrating and impossible to resolve easily.

I should be preparing for our alternative spring break trip to Florida with Habitat for Humanity. We're leaving in 5 days. I have the vans reserved - I just need to get all the drivers to sign the form for driving. I have most of the forms from our residents - of course not all of them though. I don't know yet what types of reflection activities we'll be doing; I'm sure I can wing those though...or come up with something once I get to Florida.
There should be 20 of us going. We've had a lot of problems with people dropping out; surprisingly enough a lot of my RAs did. Initially there were 9 of us who considered going. Now there's 1 RA, my graduate assistant and me. What happened, you ask. Needing to apply for summer internships and grad school, family problems, stress. All things I understand and emphasize with. But really?
I told myself last year that the only way I would do another alternative spring break trip was if I had more staff members going. Not that it's so much work, but it's nice to have a couple different staff members there who can facilitate reflection activities, organize some activities to do for residents when we're not at the construction site, etc. Even for things like communication between the different vans it's helpful to have a few more staff members.
I really didn't think it'd be a problem this year. I was so excited about going with all these staff members. Of course, I ran into problems - why would things ever be easy - this time it was because of getting funding for the staff members. We got funding for the students but not the staff. I fought for them; I tried to make it all work out. All for nothing!
Now I'm stuck 5 days before we're leaving and I don't even know if we can fill all the spots.

Maybe the lesson I should learn from this is that alternative spring break trips are always a lot of hassle and that I shouldn't try to organize one again. Hmmm, please remind me about that next year when I start thinking about Spring Break!!! You know, I could be visiting friends - I could be going to concerts - I could be sleeping in late and relaxing. But oh no, I always have to be such an overachiever. Haha.

Okay, enough whining about Spring Break. I called this entry "ups and downs" and so far I've only been talking about the "downs." I promise there'll be at least one "up," but before we get there, here's one more thing I have to share....

I got sick this weekend. I could barely get out of bed, had the worst headache ever, was coughing and sneezing and I felt like I was radiating heat. Not fun! And of course I couldn't get half the things done that I wanted to accomplish this weekend.

Okay, now to the "ups" (or at least the one "up" I can think of right now):
I finally got around to applying for a few jobs. I applied for three - two through the ACPA Placement site and one that a friend had forwarded me. Today, I've been checking my e-mail pathetically until I realized that there was no way any schools would be able to process my application so quickly and get back to me the day after I submitted it.

I really should be applying for a couple more schools, but hey, at least I started the process, right?

So much for job searching...

2009-02-26T23:35:00.000-08:00

I started off this week thinking that I would finally get around to doing some job searching. I finally asked my references at the beginning of this week whether or not they'd be willing to serve as a reference. I wrote a first draft of my cover letter. All I needed to do now was alter this cover letter to fit the different positions and then actually apply....
Can't be that hard, right?

Not so fast. I put job searching on my to-do list for Tuesday night. I had the best intentions. Then life happened....

I've spent the rest of the week dealing with strange and unusual student situation - those things that hardly ever happen and where you don't know what to do. I've spent hours every night trying to hunt down certain students, setting up meetings, meeting, updating my supervisor, hunting down the next student, etc. I haven't had a second to breathe; I didn't get any of the other things done that I should have been doing. In the few minutes I had left, I was working on advertising and promotion for Invisible Children.

I'm also getting sick; or actually I think I am sick. I'm burning up right now. Earlier I was freezing. I can't think straight; my throat hurts like hell, I keep losing my voice, my head hurts and I basically just feel like I'm about to die. But of course I don't have time to be sick. We have interviews for graduate students tomorrow. I also have to hunt down a few more students, have some meetings I can't miss and really need to get started on that to-do list.
And then of course job searching....

More "Oh, those students..." Moments

2009-02-20T09:43:00.000-08:00

Quick Job Search Update: I have attempted to write a cover letter. I probably should have someone look at it before I send it out. Have I mentioned that I hate writing cover letters? They just sound so fake. Everyone uses the same format - explain what position you're interested in, say why you're interested in the position/dept/school, highlight your experience, explain what qualifies you as a candidate. It feels like it's stupid form you're filling out.
I am a writer (even though I haven't written anything in a while). I like to tell a story. I want people to be "in the moment" with me, to see what I'm seeing, to feel what I'm feeling. I like to start off stories by setting the scene. I can't do that in a cover letter. If I started off with a fun, creative intro, potential employers may not even read past that to find out what position I'm interested in.
I just don't feel like I can express myself within the structure of a cover letter. Argh!
And here's my other question...How serious do employers really take those cover letters? I mean, isn't the resume the most important part? Shouldn't you be judged on your experience rather than a one-page letter?

Okay, enough about job searching.

I had another one of those "Oh, those students..." moments last week.
One of my residents, an international student, came to me and asked if he could switch rooms. He said he wasn't really getting along with his roommate but didn't want to go into detail. I explained that we don't just move people, that he'd have to set up a meeting with his RA and his roommate first to discuss what some of the concerns were, that I could get involved in the mediation if he needed me to and that only if we weren't able to solve the issues, we would start looking into a room change. Well, the student decided to also apply for a single through our Housing Office - since singles are a lot more expensive, residents will usually get one if it's available - after all, Housing needs to make money.
A few days later, I get an e-mail from the Housing Office informing me that the students has been granted a single and will be moving. I contacted the student to remind him to check out with me. Then I told the students' RA.
I didn't even think about contacting the roommate. I mean, if you're moving out of your room, you'll tell your roommate. It's not like they won't notice when you're suddenly gone, right?
Well, not so much this student. He just left - his roommate came back to find the empty half of the room and a goodbye letter.

Oh, those students...

I know communication isn't easy. I know it can be challenging to confront someone. But seriously? Moving out without saying a word?

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

2009-02-18T18:54:00.000-08:00

So I had a minor freak-out last night. I didn't have the best day to begin with and then, in the evening, I sat down, put High School Musical 3 in my DVD player (yes, of course I had to get it on the day it came out), turned on my computer and started looking at job postings. I'd been avoiding the job search for the past week because I just didn't want to deal with it. Since I'm going to ACPA, which isn't until the end of March, it feels like there's still tons of time left. But then I also know that - with Spring Break (I'm going on an alternative Spring Break Trip with residents), the Invisible Children Challenge on March 21, and other things that will come up - it will be the end of March before I know it.

I pulled up the ACPA Placement site and looked at the job listings I had saved. There was one that I was really excited about. I went through the list and...

IT WAS GONE. Well, it just said, "Position no longer available."

WHY????

So then I became paranoid. Maybe they had hired some internally; maybe they have to leave the position vacant because of budget cuts - what if there won't be many positions this year because of the current economic crisis. What if I didn't find anything else that I was really excited about? What if I didn't find anything at all?

And then I started thinking back of my job search and how most of the institution I ended up having campus interviews with were the ones that had contacted me, not the ones that I had actually searched out and applied to. Why??? Had I been looking for the wrong positions? Only one school has contacted me so far and I turned them down because it wasn't what I was looking for at all. But what if nobody else would contact me? What if I get a million interviews at the convention again but then no on-campus offers? What if I'm being unrealistic looking for coordinator-level positions? Maybe I should just stick with Hall Director jobs. But even there aren't that many in the geographic regions I'm looking for.

And then the whole visa issue. What if I don't get a job in time for them to apply for a transfer of my H1B visa to their institution? I wouldn't be able to start working when the school year starts...how bad would that be! And what if institutions don't want to go through the pain of the visa application process - or can't afford to sponsor me...I mean, with the economic crisis and everything - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Whenever I mention my whole visa issues to Americans, they just tell me, "Don't worry. It'll work out." I'm sorry but that is NOT helping. It doesn't make me feel any better. It doesn't make me stop worrying. People have no idea how frustrating it is to be searching for jobs - knowing that some institution will never be able to hire me because of this visa issue - even if they love me, even if I'm their top candidate. I often feel like this country doesn't want me. I'm not wanted here. They'd be happier if I left. But what would I do if I left??? I have a degree in a field that doesn't even exist at home. I have built a life in this country. I have a career.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Oh, those students...

2009-02-09T21:23:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, we had a Living Learning Community (LLC) Fair for prospective Resident Assistants. Each LLC had its own table with a display board and a more or less enthusiastic staff member explaining to candidates what their LLC was all about.

I wasn't having the world's greatest day - I was worried about one of my friends, had a pretty bad nose bleed earlier that day (for no apparent reason), hadn't eaten anything since breakfast (this was in the late afternoon/early evening), was tired and grumpy. I just made it to the fair on time, put up my display boards (I had two...one from last year and one from the year before...I've updated them a little), turned on my laptop (I was showing a slide show of pictures from events) - and was immediately bombarded by candidates.

I smiled and answered one question after the other. I soon had this five-sentence description about my LLC down, repeating it over and over again. Smiling, asking if candidates had any other questions, and making sure to restart the slide show every few minutes.

It was interesting to observe the candidates. Some seemed genuinely interested in my LLC; some were just there because they thought they had to but didn't do a good job at hiding that; others were trying to suck up - desperate to get an RA job in any LLC. I don't like "suck-ups"...I think if you do a good job, there's no reason for you to suck up.

I was talking to a group of women - asking them what they had heard about my LLC - when one of my own residents came up to me. This was a resident that I had several interactions with before - we had found alcohol in his room (it was his roommate's) and he needed guidance on how to navigate our judicial process; he also had some roommate issues that I tried to help him with. He's also one of those students, who always says hi, asks how my weekend has been or how my day is going, and goes out of his way to talk to me.
As soon as the women left, I turned toward my resident and said, "So what do you know about the CHANGE Living Learning Community?" I'd started every conversation like that and thought he would pick up on my sarcastic, joking tone of voice.
Oh, I was so wrong.
I didn't even notice it though. He said, looking a little confused, "Well, I live there" and I responded - still in a joking tone of voice - "Obviously. I was just wondering what you think about CHANGE from a residents' perspective."

I hadn't thought about this conversation until tonight. Apparently, this student had now joined Community Council - something I had recommended to gain some valuable experience and become more active in the community. When talking to one of the RAs working with the council, this resident explained that he had joined the council because - at the LLC Fair - I didn't recognize him, which made him think that he needed to have more of a presence in the hall. HUH!?!

Part of me thinks I should be insulted or concerned that he thinks I don't recognize him. I'd have to be blind not to see him and notice him when he's hanging around my office, e-mailing me with tons of questions and setting up meetings to discuss some drama in his life.
Part of me just wants to laugh. How could he not notice my sarcastic tone? This is just too ridiculous.

I think I'll go with laughing.

Updates

2009-02-08T19:46:00.000-08:00

I wish I had exciting news for you on the job search front, but I don't. It's just too early, I guess. I got one e-mail from an institution that saw my resume on the Placement Web site and asked if I was interested in applying for a position at their institution. Exciting? Hmm, well, it could have been but the position was "just" a basic hall director position. I mean, yeah, maybe I'd consider that (if it was in a great location, which this one wasn't) and I know I could still love being a hall director for a few years (especially if it had some other responsibilities, or at least the option to work with graduate students) but it made me wonder what my chances are of getting a higher-level position. I'd been looking at some coordinator-level positions. I have the minimum qualifications for most of them - master's degree and 3-years of post-master experience - but what are your chances of getting a job when you just fulfill the minimum requirements?

Oh well, enough about the job search. There's not enough going on yet....

On the job front, things have been busy. I've been going to Community Council and student organization meetings all week to recruit new teams for our Invisible Children Challenge. Having two or three meetings a night is definitely exhausting - but if we can just get a few more teams, it will all have been worth it. There's fourty days left until our Closing Ceremony. I'm starting to get a little worried about whether or not we'll be able to reach our goal. My RA, who is helping me organize the challenge, and I have big dreams - we want this to be a huge campus-wide event. We've had a decent amount of interest in the challenge but not as much as we'd hoped. We've also had more interested from Community Council than RAs, which has been a bit surprising. And I just recently found out that several Greek organizations have their formal the night of the Closing Ceremony.
*Sigh*
It'll be fine. It'll be fine. It'll be fine.
Maybe if I say it often enough, I'll be able to stop worrying and will eventually believe it myself. I mean, we have five teams signed up and I'm expecting to get registration forms from at least another 5 teams, maybe even a few more.

Well, I should get back to work. I was gone all weekend (another one of our fun roadtrips...and let me tell you, this one was A LOT of fun!!!!) but now I have tons of work to do.

Have a good week!

Candidate #0000

2009-02-01T00:03:00.000-08:00

Once again, I have a candidate number. Once again I spend my free time reviewing/fixing my resume (last time around, I "reviewed/fixed" it countless times and after I finally decided it was good and started sent it to about 20 institutions, I realized that I had a typo in it...good news though: I got a job at one of those 20 schools in spite of the typo), writing cover letters, staring at the same job postings over and over again, researching institutions and in general just agonizing over the job search.

It's been three years since I last had to do that. That was also when I started writing this blog, back then as "Candidate #0000." I browsed through some old entries and came across my "final thoughts" regarding the job search...

"Job searching...

...is one of those "once-in-a-lifetime" experiences (just that you know you'll have to go through it again some day...but hopefully it won't be as bad because you'll have more experience and usually won't be as pressured to find a job)

...means that your self-confidence will take a beating. There's just no way around it. Keep your head up and remember: there's a light at the end of the tunnel (as cheesy as that sounds, but seriously, you'll make it through). And remember, you only need one offer - the right offer.

...is not a competition, even though some people will try to make it one. Don't let them drag you into this comparing who has more interviews at conference, who had more on-campus interviews, etc. Job searching is one third luck, one third experience and qualifications and one third coincidence. Some people will find a job early; others won't. It doesn't mean that one of them is more qualified. It also doesn't mean that one of them will get the better job. It just means that one of them was in the right place at the right time.

...is about finding A job, not necessarily the perfect job. Don't get stuck on what you think your dream job, dream location, dream institution is...this will be your first job. You'll have many more chances to get to that "ideal position and institution." Keep re-evaluating your priorities...and maybe you'll end up somewhere totally different and be much happier about it."

I thought job searching wouldn't be "as bad" the second time around. I'm not so sure about that anymore. I feel just as nervous and anxious when I think about it. There's just about the same amount of pressure; after all, I turned in my intent letter saying that I will not be returning. So if this doesn't work out...
Okay, let's not think about that.

I've almost finalized my resume - almost! I had three people look at it. I've made lots and lots of changes. But then I realized I should probably add this assessment grant that I received last year to my resume...and how do you cite an assessment grant? What section should I add it to?
I spent lots of time searching internet sites to figure out a good way to cite it; I haven't found anything. Oh well. I put it on there somehow. I'll probably ask a few people in the office on Monday for advice. I'm just annoyed because I wanted to have it all done by tonight. Argh!

What type of job do I want???

2009-01-29T23:21:00.000-08:00

It's become impossible to get through a day without the topic of job searching coming up. It's either a colleague asking me how the search is going, a supervisor or friend asking about my resume (as they know that I've been revising it and don't have it done yet), someone asking what positions I'm interested in, and and and. I'm not a big fan of those conversations - they make me nervous and make me stress out about having to figure out what I want.
Here's my problem: I could see myself doing a variety of different positions. That's a good thing, you say? Well, yes, to some extent. But I could see myself do so many different things that I don't know what to look for, what jobs to apply, what's even realistic -and then I just get stressed and worried and go into denial-mood where I pretend that I don't need to focus on searching yet.

I'm definitely considering staying in Residence Life. But what within Residence Life do I want to do? Do I want to be a hall director again? I could see myself living-in for a few more years (not forever though); I love working with RA staffs; I enjoy interacting with students (most of the time; unless they're giving me a headache because they are acting out and are getting themselves in trouble). But would I be happy being "just" a hall director? I mean, I've done this for the past three years (five if you count grad school) - and I haven't "just" been a hall director; I've also had academic advising responsibilities. So ideally, I'd probably want a hall director job that also offers me some other responsibilities and opportunities (maybe something with student activities or student leadership or orientation since those are other areas that I'm interested in).
Or should I look for a coordinator-level position? I think I'd enjoy working with graduate students and professional staff. I've gained a lot of experience over the past years and have a lot of ideas about how I would supervise my professional staff members and how I would want to train and challenge them. Supervisors and colleagues have encouraged me to look for that next step, to go for those type of positions. But am I really ready for that? And do I even have a shot at getting a position like this? I have three years of post-master's experience in Residence Life - often the minimum qualification for coordinator-level positions. MINIMUM!!! So what really are my chances? Would I just be setting myself up for a long, frustrating and unsuccessful job search? And am I really ready to take that next step? I know I'd miss working with student leaders. Yes, you can still do that as a coordinator through indirect supervision of RAs, through advising student organizations, but it wouldn't be the same as having my own student staff team.

People often assume that I am very ambitious. Yes, I am a workaholic and my job has been my life for the past three years. But I don't see myself being the youngest director of Residence Life; I don't care how much money I make; I don't need to have a "glamorous" career (if that's even possible in Student Affairs). I just want to have a job that I will enjoy and where I feel like I'm making a difference and am having an impact on students' lives. But how do I know what job that is?

It's official...

2009-01-28T20:02:00.001-08:00

Last Friday, we had to turn in our letters of intent stating whether or not we were planning on coming back. We have the option to turn in a "maybe" letter and if you'd asked me a year ago, I would have said that I'd be turning in a "maybe" letter - just so that I'd have a job in case the job search isn't going well. I really disliked having to turn in my letter of intent so early; I was used to a system where you tell the office that you aren't coming back when you have a new job (obviously you'll let them know that you're searching but you have your job until you have found something new). That always seemed very supportive and just "nice" for the staff members and I always wished we had that system here. I get that it makes it tougher for the office - you may end up with a vacancy the week before opening and what do you do then? But it just seemed like the nice thing to do for your employees.

Well, I thought about and now I don't know anymore which system I prefer. I think having to make the decision whether or not you come back in January is scary and puts a lot of pressure on staff members. Even if you turn in that "maybe" letter, you'll be highly encouraged to make a decision once some of the placement conferences are over, so that the office knows how many staff members they can hire - and at that point, you still won't know yet if you get a new job or not. But otherwise, you may have these staff members sticking around, who really should have left a long time ago, just because the "perfect" job offer hasn't come around yet.

Surprisingly the decision to turn in a "no" letter was pretty easy. I know I'm job searching. I don't think I'd be able to give 100 percent in this job for another year - I just feel like it's time for something new. There's a part of me that's completely freakin' out and sees myself unemployed and kicked out off the country by May 15th (when my current contract ends), but usually I don't let that part of me take over. I didn't want to be a "maybe" - I'd still have to make the decision whether or not I'm coming back before I have a job offer, so it wouldn't be any easier in a few months. I'd rather just get this whole decision-making part over with. Now it's done. It's official. I will not be returning to my current position for next year.

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Keep your fingers crossed that I'll find a job or next year this blog will have to be called something like "With Broken Wings."

Haha.

Quick update from my job search process: I have finally revised my resume. I've sent it to my supervisor and another colleague and asked them to look over it. I've also looked at the ACPA Placement site and marked a few jobs. And I've looked at HigherEd Jobs and marked a few positions there. There's not a lot out there yet. And I'm still not sure what I'm looking for - Hall Director? Coordinator? Something outside of ResLife? There's so many things I could see myself doing...and then there's the fear of not getting a job if I shoot for some higher-level position or something outside of ResLife, so maybe just sticking with what I'm doing now but at another school would be fine...
I don't know.
People generally think that I'm very ambitious because I'm an overachiever and a workaholic and my job's basically my life. But really, I'm not. I don't want to be the youngest Director of Residence Life; I don't need to move up quickly. I like what I'm doing. I enjoy working with students. I just want a job; something I'm going to enjoy doing.

Living on your own...

2009-01-26T19:42:00.001-08:00

I've lived on my own for almost 8 years now. I got the RA position my sophomore year, so since then I've either had a single in a residence hall or - later as a grad hall director and now full-time staff member - an apartment. And when you live on your own, you start developing interesting habits...

I, for example, talk to myself. Now that's not necessarily something new. When I was younger, I'd make up imaginary friends and talk to them on my way to and from school (what else can you do to amuse yourself when walking down the same streets every day?) - but it's definitely increased since I've lived on my own. It's not like I talk to myself every day and have in-depth conversations. But sometimes, it's just so quiet in the room and I may walk in and say "hi" to a stuff animal, a picture on the wall or just call into the room, "Honey, I'm home" because I think it sounds funny.
Sometimes - like right now - I talk out loud while writing; it helps me figure out how to say what I want to say.

Eating/cooking is also an interesting thing when you live on your own. First of all, I've found it challenging to keep a regular eating schedule. When I'm in the middle of work, there's really nothing to stop me from continuing to work and just eating later.
I also don't sit down at the dining room table and eat. My dining room table has become a great place to keep supplies for art projects that I'm currently working on, to put down random things that I need to deal with later (from shopping bags that I'm too lazy to sort through right away to stacks of paper from work). I eat my meals either at my desk in the office - so that I can continue to do work - or on my couch while either reading a book or watching TV.
One thing I really don't like about living on your own: cooking for yourself. Cooking for one person is just a pain. Most of the time, you just end up making too much. And then I don't want to waste food, so I eat it all and then I eat too much. Yes, I could put some in the fridge so that I can eat leftovers later but usually it's not enough for a second meal...it's just a little too much for one. I've also developed the habit of eating while I'm cooking - so by the time I'm completely done cooking, half my food is already gone and I just ate standing up in the kitchen.
So let's be honest: I don't cook all that often. For all the above-mentioned reasons; and just because it takes up too much time. By the time I think about eating I'm usually already starving. So I need food then and there. Fortunately I have a meal plan, so I can either run to a dining hall or I just buy something at one of our markets that can be heated up in the microwave.

Oh, living on your own! Most of the time I love it, but you definitely develop some weird quirks and it'd be a challenge to get used to living with another person again.

Job Searching?

2009-01-19T10:51:00.000-08:00

So I probably should be fixing my resume right now (it's almost completely updated...there's two or three publications I need to add, but it's also 4 pages long...a little long, huh?) or looking through jobs at HigheredJobs.com or the ACPA Placement Web site. Instead I'm procrastinating.

I know I need to seriously start thinking about job searching. I need to get ready. But I'm just having a hard time getting motivated. I think part of it is my own fear of job searching - I really really don't like it. It's nerve-racking, it's an emotional roller coaster and it takes up way too much time.

But I know I need to get started soon....

When attacks get personal...

2009-01-12T23:11:00.000-08:00

I was reading someone else's blog tonight and the comments section (he had 25 comments about one of his posts!!!) was a few people arguing back and forth. And as the argument went on, getting more and more heated, the attacks also became more and more personal and I became more and more intrigued - I was trying to figure out why people feel that they need to make everything personal. Why do heated debates about topics so often turn into personal attacks? Why can't we just debate, argue or provide constructive feedback but leave out all that personal stuff???

We recently received the results to one of the surveys our office does every year. The survey asks residents to talk about their experiences in the residence halls, the academic advising that they receive and the community in general. It also allows them to provide some general feedback and suggestions for improvement. As I was reading through the comments, some of them were helpful (e.g. students asking for more community service activities) but others were simply frustrating. One student, for example, said - when asked what could be done to improve our living learning community - that I am the worst aspect of the community and then continued to question my taste in music. How does my taste in music relate to anything I do as a First Year Adviser? Tell me what it is that I did that you didn't like - then I could see how I can stop being so horrible, but with all respect I do believe I still have the right to choose what type of music I want to listen to.

We all know that we can't make every student happy. But it's not fun seeing a comment like "...is the worst adviser" or "she is horrible at her job and does not care about the people in the building." At those moments, I wish I didn't care because then these comments couldn't hurt me. If you need me to be more available, that's something I can try to work on (within limits because occasionally even I have to sleep); or if you didn't feel like I explained the academic requirements clearly enough, that's something I can try to do better in the future. But when you just attack me, what am I supposed to do?

I guess it's just one of those things...when someone doesn't know what to say, maybe feels like he or she is losing an argument or is frustrated with a situation but isn't brave enough to address the issue directly and honestly, one just slashed out and turns things into a personal attack. It's why an animal that feels cornered and doesn't see a way out may attack you - even if it's usually a very peaceful being. Maybe it's the inability to find the right words to express one's concerns that leads to some of those rather hurtful comments. And maybe I just got on the wrong side of one of those students because I actually do my job and enforce policies and don't let them walk all over me.

I do want to take this feedback seriously though and see what I can do to improve. How else will I grow as a professional? So as much as I need to find a way not to let those comments hurt me personally and keep me up at night, I also can't just dismiss them and pretend they didn't exist. There are some students in this building, who are very unhappy with how I've been doing my job - and even if that's only a handful, that means I need to reevaluate whether or not I'm doing a good job or if there are areas where I need to step it up a little.

I shared some of the survey results with my staff (the ones that pertained to them) and I was a bit frustrated with their reaction. There were several areas where we didn't do so well in, especially compared to the averages from all residence halls. And yes, some of those areas were surprising to me as well and I've been trying to figure out why we may have gotten those results. But while it would have been okay for them to say that they were surprised, I wasn't very impressed with their need to immediately come up with a million excuses and question the validity of the survey. Or what about the argument that since only 60 out of our 280 residents filled out the survey when 50% of them were unhappy, those were in the end only 30 students - so why make a big deal out of it?

I guess as much as people don't know how to provide constructive feedback or have a civilized conversation, people also don't know how to receive feedback and learn from it. *Sigh.* is.

Welcome to a new semester...

2009-01-10T21:24:00.000-08:00

The new semester is about to start. The residence hall opens tomorrow, classes start on Monday.
This will be my last semester here. It's so weird to think about that. Part of me is excited - I'm ready to move on. I think I'd get burned out and wouldn't be able to put 100 percent into my job anymore if I stayed for another year - but it's also strange to think that I'll be leaving here. I've become really comfortable here - I know what my job entails, I feel comfortable with the different responsibilities we have here (even though there's always areas to improve in), I know the different departments and student organizations and many of the student leaders here. It's not going to be that easy to leave.

I thought the Tunnel of Oppression would be this amazing, awesome event - THE big thing - my big contribution before I left. And I thought I would have this feeling of accomplishments, of "closure" at the end of it. But I didn't. The Tunnel went alright - but not as well as I would have liked. There were just little but annoying behind-the-scenes thing. We made it a little bigger (more tours, three instead of two days) but we still struggled with the student groups we worked with, volunteers were a mess (because not everyone who signed up actually showed up) and I just felt like we could have done a better job.

So now I have this new event - the Invisible Children Challenge. One of my RAs and I are organizing it. I've worked with Invisible Children for three years - a couple roadies came here during my first year and contacted RHA (which then meant that RHA contacted me since I was one of their advisors) and we hosted a showing of the documentary. Last year, one of my residents was very passionate about Invisible Children and as an entire community we got involved with Invisible Children. We did showings and fundraisers, tried to get other halls involved and really focused on spreading the word about Invisible Children. Last semester, I offered to do showings in other halls - only three took me up on this opportunity but that's better than nothing, right? So this being my last semester here, it's only appropriate that we are doing something HUGE related to Invisible Children.
The Challenge will be a competition between different teams to see who can get the most people to see the documentary, raise the most money, sell Invisible Children merchandise, collect books and and and. At the end of the competition, we are having a big Closing Ceremony (with some educational components such as information about our partner school in Uganda, the current situation in Uganda and small group discussions). Of course there'll be some entertainment. We're trying to get one of our a-cappella groups to sing. And we've booked our favorite band, We The Living, to come and perform.
And here's the frustrating part: People seem to assume that I'm only doing this because I wanted to have a reason to organize another We The Living concert. I'm not going to lie, that was very convenient and I definitely wanted those guys to come back and play here again. But I've been passionate about Invisible Children a long time before I'd even heard about We The Living. It's just one of those fun coincidences that my favorite band is also passionate about the same cause as I am - also one of the reasons why I like them.
But I feel like some staff members aren't even giving this Invisible Children Challenge a chance and aren't even taking it seriously simply because it involves my favorite band. How is that for being childish?

And I really want this event to be successful. This could be my big thing - part of my legacy. And maybe I'll be able to get that feeling - that feeling of having accomplished something big, of being happy with what we've done, of finding closure - knowing that I've done great things here and can now move on. I don't want the last thing that people will remember about me be a big flop. And I feel like so many things haven't gone as well as I'd wanted them to this year - so I need this. Even just for myself - to know that I can still do great things.

Okay, enough about Invisible Children...

I've had a hard time motivating myself lately. I have tons of stuff to do but I sit around and daydream or simply do NOTHING. The semester hasn't even started yet and I already feel like I'm behind with work. I haven't updated my resume yet or really looked at available positions. I haven't even done much stuff for the Invisible Children Challenge - I have a whole list of things that I need to do and so far I've only played around with the Web site and come up with a t-shirt design - and that while we really need to roll out phase one of our advertising on Monday. There aren't going to be enough hours in the day tomorrow. I should probably try to get some more work done tonight but I'm just tired and my eyes hurt...so I think I'll just go to bed and try to wake up early tomorrow.

And so a new semester is beginning....

Sitting back and listening...

2008-12-31T08:08:00.000-08:00

I'm currently visiting my family in Austria. The other day we were hanging out with our neighbors; I didn't talk much...just sat back and watched. And the more I listened the more I felt like an outsider. I used to be really close with them - I used to be able to have a conversation with them. Now I just sit and listen because saying anything just isn't worth it.

Nevertheless I didn't manage to make it through the evening without at least one snide remark about my job. One of them commented on the "babysitting of college students" in the US. Okay, so granted - I struggle with the customer-service approach that we're sometimes forced to adopt in Student Affairs, but I believe in the general idea of Student Affairs. It's not "babysitting" students - we try to educate them, support them during their time at college but also challenge them to learn and grow.
I sometimes wonder what retention rates in Austria were like if we had something like Student Affairs. Retention isn't really a concern here - after all, universities are mostly funded by the government (with a few student fees but nothing really significant), so who cares how many students make it through the first few exams. Okay, so maybe college isn't for everyone - but there are more students who could make it through college if they just had a little extra support.
And then what about the "challenges" we try to provide for our students? I watch my Austrian friends and I see them now, after they've left college, slowly discovering what they believe and what they think - moving toward self-authorship. And yes, I still have a lot of learning and growing to do but college definitely pushed me, at least got me to start thinking. And yes, I was one of those students who attended programs and had conversations about diversity and multiculturalism and education and all those other fabulous topics - and not all students do - but isn't it worth it even if we just educate a few of them?

What drives me insane is that I don't even think they'd listen - like really listen (meaning "being open to a different opinion") - if I tried to explain it. They're so stuck in their own ways, stuck in the belief that their college experience was all that and they aren't even willing to see the worth of a different way of approaching education - or maybe learning something outside of the classroom - shocking thought, huh?
But I'd just be talking to myself. So I sit back and I listen and I smile, even though my blood boils and I feel like they're questioning my whole existence.

I want to tell you you're beautiful...

2008-12-17T01:14:00.000-08:00

This isn't going to be a very long entry because I really need to go to bed (I have a meeting in 4 hours), but I wanted to share a few things with all of you:

1) Don't get too used to me posting on a daily basis. I wish I had time and the energy to write every night, but I know once the craziness of second semester hits me (and you know there'll be craziness...hopefully craziness in a positive sense though), I'll get distracted again and will forget about this blog. I hope though I'll be a little more consistent in my posting...wouldn't that be nice?

2) Thanks to everyone who commented on my last few blogs. It's just nice to know that a) people are reading my blog and are interested in my experiences and b) that even though I don't know who you are and you don't know who I am, I have some support out there.

3) I still don't know what to say when people ask me how I am. I feel like saying, "I'm fine" would be a lie but when I say, "I'm okay," I get these weird looks. And maybe I am fine...I don't even know.

4) On a happier note, I've successfully managed to complete distract myself and stop myself from thinking about what has happened by throwing myself head over heels into my newest project, this Invisible Children Challenge. My RA and I sat down today and did some serious brainstorming and then immediately went into the action phase. We now have an updated Web site and a Facebook group. We've created an e-mail address, so that both of us can have access to this e-mail and answer questions or use it to contact people. We've also started sending out e-mails - to Residence Life staff members, students who expressed interest in Invisible Children after seeing the Invisible Children clip during the Tunnel of Oppression, and students who signed-up at showings in various halls. All together, I e-mailed probably about 200 people today.
My biggest worries right now are finding a location that works for the event and getting funding.
My goal is to get at least 20 teams and to raise at least $2,000. Both of those goals should be feasible; yes, I even think we should be able to do much better than that. But I wanted to set low goals, so that we could accomplish them - both my RA and I are overachievers...so reaching our goals "too easily" won't be a problem because we'll immediately come up with even higher goals for us. But I wouldn't want us to get discouraged because we weren't even able to reach our initial goal. Does that make sense?

5) I just realized that in two days I'll be (probably around this early morning hour) starting my trip back home to Austria. This just seems so surreal to me. I haven't packed or even really thought about it yet. I can't believe it's coming up so soon!!!

6) I've gotten an unusual amount of phone calls today - mostly from staff members. And whenever my phone would ring (I have discovered this Web site where you can turn any mp3 music file into a ringtone...you can even pick which part of the song you want), I heard JP sing, "I want to tell you you're beautiful and kiss you, so you can't say a thing." No wonder I had a better day. That just has to make you smile! ;)

I felt alive again...

2008-12-15T23:06:00.001-08:00

I've discovered a new band I'm greatly enjoying...Copeland. You should check them out (I'm listening to them right now...specifically their album You Are My Sunshine...what a cute title of an album).

Today was another strange day, so I think it's time for some more therapeutic writing...LoL.
I don't think the magnitude of what had happened really hit me until last night - I'd been so busy running around, making sure everyone was okay - and then I spent all day Sunday reading and pretending nothing had happened. And finally, Sunday night, I allowed myself to think - I wrote the past blog entry - and then it hit me.

Today has just been a blur. I couldn't fall asleep last night; then I couldn't wake up this morning. I finally got up because I knew I had a meeting that morning. I dragged myself out of bed. I spent some time in the office - having a hard time concentrating on anything. I had written a to-do list the night before and tried to go through it, but every once in a while I'd just catch myself staring at the screen not doing anything.
I met a friend of the family, who was helping move the belongings of the student out of his room.
I entered the room; I had only been there once - to document the resident for underage drinking. He had given my two RAs and me a hard time for documenting the situation. It had not been a fun interaction.
They say you shouldn't talk bad about the dead, but does that mean you can't say the truth? I'm sure he was a great guy - I just didn't have many positive interactions with him. He didn't want to meet with me for an academic advising appointment, ignored my e-mails; he stood me up twice for meetings we had set up; we finally met and it was actually a pretty good meeting. He told me about some of the struggles he'd been facing that semester and we talked about ways he could get these things under control. I thought there was hope....
That was a month ago.

After getting the family friend all set up to start packing and moving belongings, I went back to my office to continue doing some work. I still had a hard time concentrating. I listened to music - it allowed me to block out other thoughts. I love just letting music fill you up inside until you hear nothing in your head but the song.

A student stopped by; a close friend of the student who had died. She was a mess. She had tried to take a final that morning and just hadn't been able to do it. I talked to her; I tried to help her figure out what her options were. I didn't know what to do or say to make her feel better; I felt horrible. But finally, there was that reaction that I had been waiting for. Someone was missing him; his death had affected someone. It wasn't that I wanted one of my students to be distraught, but I needed to know that his life had positively affected someone; he was being missed.

I had a meeting in the central office in the early afternoon. I listened to music as I was walking over there. I didn't want to enter the building; I was scared to run into anyone. What would they say? What should I say?

I walked up the stairs, took a deep breath and entered the hallway. I walked as fast as I could. Of course I couldn't help but see some staff members; I said hi quickly and looked down.

Later that afternoon was this holiday gathering in the office. I felt like I should stick around. Colleagues already think I'm anti-social. I waited for the gathering to start - playing around on one of the computers in the office. Then, one of my RAs started texting me - a very welcome distraction. She had heard from our favorite band (yes, We The Living...you should know that by now...haha) and they'd suggested a date for a concert next semester. Yay!!! We could finally start the planning stages of our event. And the date they suggested was perfect - the only weekend I could actually do that month. Finally something was working out....

The gathering started. I felt like people were looking at me funny; or did I just feel that way? Some asked how I was doing and I responded quickly. Did they ask because they really care? Or did they just want to be in on the gossip? Was it one of those Student Affairs-y things to do or was it really heartfelt? It's not like I usually talk to any of those colleagues about how I really truly feel. They see me as this anti-social workaholic - they make fun of my obsessions and the things I truly care about without realizing how much this is hurting my feelings and how it's just forcing me to further crawl into my shell - so why would they now care?
And could I have answered truthfully in that setting?

And how do you answer the question, "How are you doing?" when you don't even know how you are doing. I feel like I've been sleepwalking for the past 24 hours.

I went to have dinner with a friend in the next city. It was nice to get away from campus, but I couldn't really stop thinking about everything. At first, I didn't say anything. I didn't want this to be the only topic. But then I couldn't not say anything; so I did but then intentionally stopped the conversation again very quickly.

I got back and decided to hang out with one of my RAs to start planning for our Invisible Children project for next semester. We talked about this and that, went on Facebook and looked at various people's profiles, checked out band web sites, read blogs and watched a funny YouTube video - and for the first time all day I wasn't thinking about what had happend; for the first time all day I felt alive again.

...and words are all that we've become

2008-12-14T21:39:00.000-08:00

I think it's time for some therapeutic blogging. ;)

It's 12:42 am and I'm not the least tired - probably because I slept until 10 am and then took a nap from 4-6:30 pm. My sleeping schedule's been really messed up lately.

But let's start from the beginning....

It all started last Sunday. I was hanging out in my apartment pretending to do work but really just playing around on my laptop. I decided to check the blog of my favorite band (if you want to check it out, go to www.wetheliving.com/blog) and saw that one of the band members had decided to leave the band. I couldn't even believe it at first - well, let's be honest, I didn't WANT to believe it. I called my friend and fellow We The Living fan and we talked and analyzed (and overanalyzed...haha...we tend to do that with everything) and then we did what I always do when I'm upset or very emotional (I also do this when I'm really really happy) - we went and had ice cream. After some delicious vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup and rainbow sprinkles, I still didn't really know what to think.

We're also trying to organize this campus-wide Invisible Children Challenge, a fundraising competition that will end with a huge Benefits Concerts (to find out more about Invisible Children, go to www.invisiblechildren.com). And of course we'd love to have We The Living perform at the Benefits Concerts - along with some student groups - but it's been a challenge to get in touch with them to set up a date for the show (well, I guess now they have other things on their mind). I'm just getting more and more worried. This is supposed to be a huge deal but I don't know whether or not I'll be able to get enough funding - and who knows how successful we'll be at recruiting teams. We got a long list of students who were interested...but that was a month ago now and if we don't contact them with any details soon, I'm afraid we'll lose their interest. AHHHHH!!!!

So the week wasn't off to a good start and it didn't get any better. One of my students had been caught by the police trying to break into a car (not sure what he was thinking...hmm, was he thinking?!?!). Because other cars had been broken into that weekend, the police got a search warrant for the students' residence hall room. They came over and when they went into the room, they didn't find anything that had been stolen from those cars but they did find some alcohol and marihuana. Not good! I can't say for sure what will happen, but I wouldn't be surprised if this student was suspended. I talked to him after the police left; not a fun conversation!

We also had a very messy and frustrating incident of plagarism in my class. It's a very long and complicated story...to try and sum it up: my RA, who is also a TA for my leadership course, noticed that two students' introductions to papers were very similar/basically the same. The students are roommates but are in different sections of the leadership course.
Instead of telling me what she had noticed (as she should have done), the RA decided to take matters into her own hands and talked to the students because she wanted to "protect" them. She then told me about all this later - too late for me to see the papers (they hadn't been turned in yet as official final papers yet but had just been uploaded to this electronic portfolio thing that we use) and too late for me to think about what our best course of action would be PRIOR to bringing this to the students' attention. Well, from there on things just got messier and messier. I've been trying to work with the other instructor, who hasn't very helpful. When I called him to try and explain that I didn't think we had enough evidence to send this on to the department (here, the academic departments deal with cases of academic integrity), he gave me a lecture on how this student should be facing some serious consequences. When I asked him to send me the students' papers, he didn't. So basically I was dealing with all this on my own, even though it was the student in his class who had copied the paper ("my" student hadn't been aware of any of this). Of course, this whole thing also turned into a roommate conflict and, not surprisingly, I got a phone call from a parent.
And the whole time I kept thinking about why my RA hadn't told me about this incident right away? Was it because, like so many students here, she didn't see academic integrity as that "serious" of a violation? Because I know she would tell me if a student was drinking underage or smoking marihuana. Where does this notion of wanting to "protect" students come from? I mean, I'm not here to get students in trouble. Yes, I tend to be a little stricter maybe than some other staff members, but I always try to fair and I always try to do what I think is best for the student. Sometimes that may mean having to face serious consequences for making a seriously bad choice; but I don't do that to hurt the student; on the contrary, I do that because I believe they need to learn from their mistakes.
I realize that many students will see me as the "bad guy"...but my own RAs???

And then it was Saturday morning. I heard the phone in my office ring (my apartment and office are connected), but I don't usually pick up my office phone on the weekends (I do check the messages but not always right away). A little later (I hadn't checked the voicemail yet), I got a text from one of my RAs informing me that she heard a rumor that one of our residents in the hall died in a car accident. I asked her to find out the students' name if she could. I also went and checked my voicemail to see if it was something related. It was. It was the mother of another residents - a friend of that student - who just wanted to inform me about what had happened as well as ask what her son's options were in regards to postponing some of his finals if he needed to.
I went into work mode. I called the mother back. Then, I called my supervisor to inform her about what had happened, so she could start the process of informing everyone at the University who needed to know about this. I shared all the details I knew with our Associate Director, so she could inform the Dean of Students. We talked about the best way of informing the hall - sadly, the student had not been very connected to the hall community, so I didn't anticipate much of a response from the hall. There were three students whom he knew from high school - one had already been home (his mother was the one who called me), the other two had left for home that morning. I checked the students' Facebook to see who else he was friends with - but out of a hall of 280 residents, he was only Facebook friends with four other students.
I called an emergency staff meeting. I informed the staff. They seemed shocked and didn't really know what to say - but there wasn't much of a reaction. After all, none of them had really known the resident. I, as his academic adviser, probably knew him best - and I hadn't had many interactions with him.
The staff really wanted to inform the hall community though. Apparently our Housekeeping staff had found out and had started spreading rumors about what had happened. Some students had gotten text messages from friends letting them know what had happened. While we were still debating about what would be the best way to inform everyone (the staff thought an e-mail would be too impersonal), the fire alarm went off. What incredible timing!
We evacuated the building - and while I was standing out in the cold, I decided to call our Associate Director again to run some of my thoughts by her. In the end, I decided to hold a very brief all-hall meeting as soon as the fire department would let us back into the building. So we pulled all students into the Lobby. I got up on a chair and let students know what had occurred. I explained that I would be available all day if anyone wanted to talk; I also offered to call a counselor if anyone would like to talk to a counselor. I got a lot of blank stares; it was dead silent in the room; but other than that, there again didn't seem to be much of a reaction.
I asked the staff to be around as much as possible, but also wanted them not to forget about their own finals coming up and prepare for those.
After the brief meeting, I walked through the corridors to see if anyone wanted to talk. Most doors were shut and students were preparing for finals. I checked in with the resident's RA; he was doing alright. He had checked in with the residents in his corridor and said they all seemed to be doing okay. We also checked in with the other students, who were friends with him on Facebook, but they all seemed to be okay.

I hung around the hall for the rest of the day. Whenever someone knocked on my office door, I jumped up, bolted across the living room to get to the office, ripped open the door - just to find another student with an unimportant advising question.
I kept busy. I listened to music loudly.

A few people called me to check in. But these phone calls annoyed me more than anything. They all asked how I was doing and when I said I was okay, they didn't seem to believe me. But the truth was that I was okay. I felt numb. This whole thing seemed - and still seems - very surreal to me. But I couldn't even figure out for myself how I was feeling, so how could I ever explain it to a colleague?

I took a nap Saturday late afternoon/early evening, then stayed up half the night; finally went to bed just to get up early and finish some staff presents for our End of Semester Celebration. I was running late Sunday morning (we were going to lunch as a staff) and then, of course, our Director called me because he had talked to a family friend and we needed to set up arrangements to have the students' belongings picked up.

I went to lunch with my staff and we talked and laughed - and the topic of the car accident never came up.

I spent the rest of the day procrastinating - I read, I took a nap, I responded to some e-mail, I watched TV and I listened to music. I just didn't feel like doing anything. Then, a colleague stopped by to check on me - which was really sweet. :o)

And then I had the usual Sunday-night panic of realizing that I didn't get any of the things done that I wanted to accomplish this weekend. So I attempted to do work but didn't get very far. And finally I decided to write in this blog.

This has really been the first time I allowed myself to slow down and think about all that's happened over the past few days. To think and to feel! And I'm not so sure anymore if I'm okay. I didn't know the resident very well - I didn't have a close connection with him or anything. But why didn't I? Should I have reached out to him more? This whole thing was an accident, so yes, I couldn't have changed anything. Or could I? Was there alcohol involved in the accident? I knew he had an alcohol problem and was trying to deal with it; he said he was seeing someone and was getting help. But maybe I could have talked to him more about that - made sure he was actually doing better.
And how sad that he had barely any connections to the community. We pride ourselves in the close-knight community that we've built in our hall and here is a student, who was not part of that community. Was that because he didn't want to be or because we didn't try hard enough to draw him out?

How can my students feel so little about the death of someone, who was a member of their community? Someone who was living right down the hall from them? What does that say about us as a community?

Job Searching and such...

2008-11-29T20:38:00.000-08:00

I'll be job searching in the Spring. So once again, you will all get the chance to follow me along the ups and downs of the job search.

When I finished my job search after graduate school, I thought the worst was over. I thought any job search after this would be much easier. Now, as I'm actually facing another job search, I'm not so sure. I'm still here on a temporary work visa...so once again, I'll have to look for employers who will be able and willing to sponsor me for an H1B visa. I will have to tell my current employer whether or not I'm coming back for next year prior to having found a new job...I could initially tell them that I'm a "maybe" but they will want to hire new staff during their first round of searching and who knows how long it'll take me to find a job. So once again, I'm having those nightmares of not finding a job and then being forced to leave the country and who knows what will happen then...

Right now, I just try not to think about it too much. There isn't much I can do at this point of the year anyway. I've registered for ACPA Placement. I glanced over the few jobs that have been posted already - there was one in California that I sounded really interesting but when I called their Human Resources Department they told me that they wouldn't be able to sponsor me for a visa...so cross that one of the list. I guess I just have to give up on that dream of California one day.

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for. Maybe that's something I should try and figure out. I'm considering anything in ResLife, Student Leadership, Orientation and Student Activities. Within ResLife, I could see myself doing a hall director type job again - if it has some interesting and unique aspect to it. I could see myself living in for another two or three years...that'll be it though. I mean I love working in Residence Life but it would be cool to eventually have my own place, maybe even be able to put a nail in the wall or not be woken up in the middle of the night by drunk residents coming back to the building. Okay, I got sidetracked...so, yes, I could see myself doing the hall director thing again but then I could also see myself moving up a little, maybe specializing in living learning communities or advising RHA and NRHH or maybe a job similar to a coordinator or something like that. Who knows.

Some people are trying to get me to figure out what I want to do. I'm not sure if I want to/need to. I mean, can't I just wait and see what's out there? Apply for a bunch of random jobs and just see where I end up.

Oh, this entry made me think about job searching again...AHHHH!!! Before I get stressed out, I'll stop and go to bed. :)

I'm back...

2008-11-15T10:17:00.000-08:00

Wow, it's been a long time since I last posted something on this blog. I hadn't forgotten about this blog; I thought about writing something several times - even started a new post a couple times and then deleted it again. 'Why?' you may ask. Well, there's a couple reasons:
1) Life has been insanely busy over the past few weeks. Between meeting with students for midterm interventions (if their midterm grades are low), preparing for the Tunnel of Oppression (which happened this past week) and just the regular day-to-day job stuff, I haven't had much time to breathe. It's been so bad that several times a week I would fall asleep on my couch when I was still trying to do work - with my laptop still in my lap.
2) I also heard that someone on my staff knows about this blog. I don't really care much about other knowing about this blog - I rarely think about those who read this when I write; I'm really writing for myself, to get my thoughts "down on paper" (even though it's not paper but you know what I mean). I know there's people here at my current institution who know about this blog; and I'm okay with it. But knowing that someone is aware of it without knowing who it is has been driving me crazy. I wish I'd never been told that someone knows...because then I just hadn't thought about it. And if I didn't know, I wouldn't be worrying about it. But now I've been wondering about it, trying to figure out who it may be, staring at people during staff meetings trying to get to the bottom of it. It's the knowing-a-little-but-not-knowing-the-details that's driving me crazy. I'd rather either know nothing or everything...the in-between just isn't working for me.

Well, I've decided to get over myself and write again. The Tunnel of Oppression is also over; so now I may actually have the resemblance of a life again...hmm, maybe not since RA Evaluations and closing and all these other things are coming up and I'm way behind with everything because of the stress of the past few weeks.

If you've followed this blog, you may have noticed that in past years it was all about work but this year there's been some personal things mentioned - like my favorite band. ;) That has also been a change in my real life. In the past years, I was all about work. I didn't really have much of a personal life - I did when I was on vacation over winter break or the summer, but during the school year my main focus was work, work and work. This year, I've decided to take a little more time for myself - as I have decided every year so far - but I actually went through with it. And yes, it was this favorite band of mine that made it all happen. Now, I love their music and I'm glad I got to go to all these concerts this semester (8 this semester, 10 all together), but as much as I'm glad that I now have a resemblance of a personal life, it's also taken a toll on my work. I feel like I'm always behind with everything; I'm not doing as good of a job as I'd like to; I'm always distracted and stressed. I'm not really sure what to do about it. My supervisor tells me not to stop having a personal life but to give it time to get used to it. I don't really want to give up my personal life. But I'm also sick of feeling like I'm not doing a good job, of being even more stressed, of going away for a weekend and having a great time but then regretting it later when I'm back at work and there's just not enough time to get everything done.

My new "personal life" has also taken me away from campus a lot, which hasn't really helped with making connections with colleagues. After Tunnel, the committee members were going to BW3 for some food and drinks - and even though I had sent out an e-mail a couple days before saying, "If anyone wants to do something after Tunnel, let me know," and I hadn't said anything to the contrary that night, everyone just assumed that I wouldn't be coming with them. WHY??? I know I haven't been able to make it to many of the social events that people have planned - but what can I do if they either plan it on a Wednesday night when I'm at NRHH meetings or a Thursday night during advising season when I advise until 10 pm or on a weekend when I'm away. Whenever I could go, I've gone...there just haven't been that many chances.

Part of me wants to try and reach out to people - try and make some conections. Part of me just wants to hide from everyone, spend my free time either following around my favorite band wtih my partner-in-crime (one of my RAs who also loves the band) or reading a good book. And I'm the first to admit that I've taken this obsession with my favorite band a little far (I rarely listen to other music, check their Web site every day, talk about them constantly) and I realize that some people will make fun of that, but lately, those comments have gotten rather hurtful. Just one more reason to hide from the rest of the world....

Moody staff members

2008-10-22T00:48:00.000-07:00

Song of the Day:
"If you knew
this was your last day
what would you do?"
- "Last Day," Ari Herstand
(go to www.myspace.com/ariherstand)

One of my grads and I had an interesting conversation today. We were talking about a staff member. This staff members tends to be pretty moody. We've all gotten used to his moods and just deal with it. He tends to get all worked up over a situation or he's just super grumpy one day, and then the next day everything is okay again. So sometimes, we'll just ignore it and then talk to him the next day.

At a recent meeting that my grad had with this staff member, he was in one of his moods and was pretty rude to her. I heard about it from another staff member, who was pretty offended by his behavior and felt bad for my grad.

My grad and I talked about it today. She said she'd been debating about whether or not to confront him about his behavior. She has, just like the rest of us, gotten so used to his mood swings that she doesn't take it personally anymore and doesn't let it bother her. But she also knows that, in the "real world," he wouldn't get away with this. Would he behave like this in the real world? We hope not. But does that mean then that he doesn't respect us as he'd respect a supervisor in a "real" job. And isn't that a huge issue in itself? And if he did behave like this in another job, isn't it our responsibility to realize that this isn't okay and help him affectively manage his emotions so he's better prepared for a job.

We came to the conclusion that this is definitely something that needs to be addressed. Well, I'm sure I'll find out how that went soon....

On needing a new life...

2008-10-20T14:38:00.000-07:00

So I just had the most amazing weekend ever. We had "Fall Break," which isn't a real break...it's just one extra day we get off (Friday) but it's still better than nothing, right? Well, two of my friends and I went to Boston and then drove down to UMass to see my favorite band (if you've been reading this blog, you know who they are...lol) and the next day, I drove to UConn to see them again. Haha...I know that's crazy! ;)

Anyway, we had a wonderful time. :) Sightseeing and a little bit of window shopping in Boston, the two concerts, hanging out with the band members and and and. I have about 100 pictures from the weekend, a few fun videos and lots of great memories.

But now I'm back at work and everything just seems to annoy me. You'd think that after having had a great weekend away from work, I'd be refreshed and reenergized but I'm not. One of my RAs was trying to argue with me about how to complete a "Weekly Report" (this set of questions they have to answer once a week...things like how they're doing, what's going on with their residents, etc.)...and just because I said I want her to elaborate on her answers. For example, when it says "How are you doing?" I'd like her to write a little more than "I'm fine". I mean, after all this is my grads and my chance to find out what's going on in her life. But oh no, apparently that was too much to ask for.
Then, later today, another RA asked me if it'd be okay if he came 30 seconds late to the staff meeting - because of a TV show. He asked if the "being on time" policy was something that was a policy but that wasn't enforced. WHAT??? I mean, SERIOUSLY! I'm sorry if there's a TV show you want to watch that ends at 9 pm (which usually they end a couple minutes before anyway and he'd probably just miss the "scenes from next week's episode"), but if we say staff meeting starts at 9 pm, it starts at 9 pm. If I let him be 30 seconds late, then I have to let everyone be 30 seconds late. And let's be honest, it'd never stay with 30 seconds and soon we'd be starting meetings later and later.
It's also freezing cold in the building, especially in my apartment. Right now, I am curled up in my comforter because I couldn't handle it...and I'm still cold! I've talked to the Housing Manager and he said he submitted a request to turn on the heat. Who knows when that'll happen! And to make matters worse, one of my RAs thought she'd be really clever and submit a Repair Request to our Housing Manager to have the heat turned on. Of course that pissed off our Housing Manager. It's not like anything's broken; the heat just hasn't been turned on yet. So he sent me a not-so-nice message because, of course, it's my fault when my RAs do something he doesn't like.

I don't know what's going on today. I just feel like I need a new life. Something needs to change because I'm sick of this!!! I'm sick of having to deal with petty little stuff. I'm sick of people not taking their responsibilities seriously. I'm sick of people trying to argue with me over things that aren't up for debate. I think I'm usually a pretty open-minded person - willing to hear and take students' feedback into account. But there's some things that are just job responsibilities; so why do I need to waste my time arguing over them?

Thanks to my wonderful and amazing weekend, I'm also way behind with work. I have about 50 unread e-mails in my inbox. I don't have a staff meeting agenda for tonight (I only have 3 hours left, one of which I'll be spending at dinner, one of which I'll be spending in meetings with students) and I need to clean my apartment since staff meetings take place in here (I haven't unpacked yet; and there's still art supplies lying around from some projects I worked on last week).

All I want to do is curl up in bed and read; or sleep; or work on another art project that I just thought of today (a certain band member inspired me...lol).

But I gotta run....

Let's hope things at work start looking a little brighter soon....

"Interesting"

2008-10-07T01:05:00.000-07:00

"How do you measure the life of a woman or a man?" - RENT

As always, when I'm posting on this blog, it's in the middle of the night and I should really be in bed. But somehow I always just have this urge to write and I know I won't be able to go to bed right away anyway. So I'm listening to music and am rambling on and on....

Work's been - well - "interesting" lately. I've been super busy. To the point where I don't have time to think about anything, I just do what needs to get done. I always feel like I'm behind. I'm up late at night trying to catch up on work, knowing that I'll never be completely on track. I go through my e-mail trying to delete old e-mails, sort them, respond - knowing that just a few hours later, my inbox will be filled again.

I still enjoy what I do. I like having one-on-one advising meetings with my students and talking to them about how college is going for them, talking about their interest, the challenges they're facing, and so on. I love my staff and enjoy spending time with them (even though some of them can be a little high maintenance sometimes...*sigh*). I am passionate about social justice - which I try to include in everything I do within the hall and which, of course, my committee centers around. But somehow - inspite of all that - I'm having a hard time getting motivated. I find myself staring at the computer screen, checking Facebook or MySpace every few minutes (I'm usually not that addicted to social networking pages), checking my favorite band's Web site every few hours to see if they've posted something new (which never happens often enough), I send instant messages to people I haven't talked to in years, or I just daydream.

Maybe I'm just tired, stressed - who knows. Maybe this is a sign that this really needs to be my last year here. I love my job but I'm not as committed, as enthusiastic about it anymore. I think I have a better grasp on what I'm supposed to be doing; I've been able to improve in a lot of different areas (of course there's still lots of room for further improvement). Nevertheless, I see myself messing up, falling short of my own expectations, forgetting things that should not be forgotten.

Is this a case of "Seniorities"? I was never one to say, "I'm leaving, I don't care anymore." My last year with NRHH at my undergrad, I developed a detailed manual for our executive board because I wanted to leave a legacy behind. I still have high hopes and goals for this year. There's so much I want to accomplish.

And occasionally it'll hit me. This is my last year here (at least if everything goes according to plan). And as much as I've had my rough times here, I've loved it. I love this school; I love the job; I'm comfortable here. I've connected with many students and various student organizations. I know how to do things, where to go for help. I'm just - comfortable!

It won't be easy leaving here. I am scared of new beginnings. Not knowing anyone, not knowing how to do things. What if I mess up? What if I don't fit in there?

And then another, childish, stupid thought crosses my mind. What if I end up moving to a place where my favorite band never performs? Those concerts - even though there's only been four this year...one of which I hosted - have become such a huge part of my life in these past few weeks (I know it's kinda crazy...haha...maybe I am truly losing my mind) that right now, I just can't imagine life without them. This is what my friends and I talk about. This is what I think about when I'm not thinking about work. What would life be like without that?

I'm enough of a realist to know that I can't base my job search of a band's tour schedule, but seriously...I just really can't bare to imagine life without those concerts right now.

On "putting yourself out there"

2008-09-30T00:16:00.000-07:00

Music I'm listening to: Hmm, do I even have to say it? We The Living, of course...haha.
Time: 3: 18 am

I should really be in bad, especially considering my to do list has 12 items on it and all of those will take a considerable amount of time...and of course I'll basically be in meetings all day starting at 9 am. So getting up at 6 or the latest 7 am looks like a necessity right now. But for whatever reason, I can't seem to fall asleep so I've decided to write a little to clear my head.

We have these "Toilet Talks." They're basically 11x17 sheets of paper with information on it (they usually look like a newsletter) that are posted in the toilet stalls. The most recent one was part of our "Love Your Body" Week and since i wasn't able to find many helpful resources I used a column that I have written several years ago for the student newspaper at my undergrad. The column basically talked about how I'm not always happy with the way I look and how - while media plays a part of it - I see body image issues as a larger issue in our society and how we need to fight that image in our head that shows us what we're supposed to look like.

Apparently this innocent little column has sparked some conversation amongst residents. Reactions seem to range from "it takes guts to put yourself out there like that" to "how can she be taken seriously in a professional world when she admits to things like that."

Here's a secret...

I'm a writer. I write for the writing's sake. I don't think about what people will think about what I write - or what they'll think about me based on what I write. Most of the time I'm in complete denial about the fact that people actually read what I write. This column is a good example. I'm always surprised when there's a comment. Why would anyone actually care about my ramblings at 3 am? I just write because it allows me to process, to reflect, to make sense of what's going on in my life.

And here's another secret...

You don't have to be perfect. Me admitting that I'm not happy with my body image doesn't affect my work as a Residence Life staff member. On the contrary, students that are facing similar issues may feel more comfortable talking to me now they know that I struggle with this as well. My job is about relating to people; and aren't people more likely to relate someone they see as human, with mistakes and issues, than to this "perfect" person?

And lastly....

Once you've reached a certain level of maturity and - hmmm, should we say "self-authorship" (I must have been reading Marcia Baxter Magolda lately) you just don't care all that much anymore about what others think about you. I do what I think is right, what feels right - if that's going to two concerts of my favorite band in one weekend or sharing in a column some very personal issues. I'm not here to impress any of my residents; I'm not here to be popular. I'm here to educate; I'm here to make an impact on students' lives.

Granted, it's taken me a long time. I have given in under peer pressure before. I remember those days in college when you just wanted to be "cool," when you'd never admit that you're struggling with something. But I'm glad I've moved past that...and I hope one day my students will as well.

Who am I? - Part 2

2008-09-27T21:02:00.000-07:00

Have you ever done something completely insane and while you were doing it, you knew very well that this was insane and people would think you're crazy...but you did it anyone because you knew it'd be fun and "it just felt right." [Yes, I am a "feeler" on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator.]

I did that today and yes, it was "crazy" and "insane" or whatever else you want to call it, but let me tell you, it was FUN. What did I do this time? Well, I drove several hours (2 1/2 to be exact) to see a band that I just saw yesterday (when it was only a 1-hour drive). And yes, it was about seeing the band, but it was also about the fact that this was something "crazy" - almost like a mini-adventure. One of those stories that'll make you laugh and that you'll tell your grandchildren about.

And let's be honest, this isn't the first time I've done something "crazy" like that. I remember a 2-hour bus trip to a city to see a movie (because I thought the "atmosphere" at a movie theater in the city would be better than in our small town); or when I saw Miss Saigon on Broadway twice in one week (hey, tickets were pretty cheap since it was the last week it was playing on Broadway); and there's countless examples from my Harry Potter obsession.

I think sometimes it's just that I'm such a workaholic and I get completely sucked into work and campus life and then my brain goes into overload and I need to do something "crazy" to get back to normal. Does that make sense? Probably not.

I guess I also approach everything I do like an obsession. I'm obsessed with my job - which is why I work 24/7 and even when I'm taking "time off," think about job-related things. Hey, I read a book about student development theory at the beach in Spain! Who does that? Similarly, I obsess over books (Harry Potter, maybe? Haha...yes, that's probably most extreme/lived-out obsession). And most recently, I've obsessed over this band. I guess that's just part of who I am. And part of this is just me not caring all that much anymore about what other people think about me. I've tried to fit in; I've tried to be what others expect me to be; but it has rarely worked and it never made me happy. So now I'm just "me," crazy, obsessed me - and I'm okay with that.

Anyway, one of my "avid readers" (as she likes to call herself) complained that my last blog ended a little too abruptly. So here's a little more about my "Austrian identity:"

When I first came to the US, I wanted to fit in; I wanted to be "American." I hated my accent and my name (there is no English version of my name; most Americans can't even pronounce it correctly) because they gave away that I'm not from here. I assimilated to American culture; I dressed the way Americans do; I listened to American music; watched American TV shows (not that I didn't do that back home in Austria as well - we get a lot of American TV and music...but I guess then I stopped listening to any Austrian music or watch any Austrian TV shows or movies that I had liked previously); I got annoyed when people asked me questions about Austria or made a big deal out of me being Austrian. I also kept my "Austrian" and my "American" lives very separate. When they collided, things became awkward; so I tried to avoid any connections as much as possible. When my parents came after my grad school graduation and helped me move to this new job, the two worlds were in danger of colliding; I was trying to keep them apart; and the result was a very awkward, strange week with lots of misunderstandings and hurt feelings. But I just didn't know how to deal with both worlds at the same time.

But my "Austrian" side will never go away. I will - at least not any time soon - be able to go through a job search without worrying whether or not an institution can hire me (based on my visa status) and how potential employers will react to me being from another country (occasionally I've had some not-so-positive reactions); I will never be able to introduce myself without getting the "What? What's your name? Can you say that again? I can't pronounce that" reaction; I will never be able to get rid of my accent completely; and I will always see things a little differently - because as much as I've lived here for 9 years now, I still often look at things from an outsider's perspective. It's easier for me to detach myself from American culture because, after all, it's not "my" culture - or at least not the culture I grew up with.

So more recently, I've decided to be embrace my Austrian heritage. If that's by listening to Austrian musical and making others listen to them, watching YouTube videos of my favorite Austrian stars or TV shows, tellings others about Austria without being asked/forced to do so. I recognize and value my ability to see things from an outsider's point of view. I am selective about what aspects of American culture I'm willing to assimilate to and where I will stick with my Austrian values and beliefs.

Yes, I still hate my accent - I don't know if I'll ever get over that. I still struggle when my two worlds get too close to each other. And I couldn't tell you what my "true identity" is...am I "Austrian," "American," "Austrian American"? None of these sound right. But I guess that goes back to not wanting to label myself. I'm just me.

(So I finished this entry, published it, and then thought a little more about it and decided I needed to add a few things...
I'm not completely anti labels. I think they help us make sense of the world around us. And even for me there are labels I identify with and am proud of...vegetarian! feminist! ally! I guess it's just when those labels are forced on you or when you're forced to choose one even when none of them fit, they become a problem.)

Who am I?

2008-09-22T21:46:00.000-07:00

Time: 4:43 am [Why am I still awake?]

My StrengthsQuest Results: Achiever, Learner, Focus, Futuristic, Input
[I'm going to assume that many of you know what StrengthsQuest is. In case you don't, go to https://www.strengthsquest.com/ to find out more.]

Thank to those who commented on my latest blog. I always appreciate comments. Otherwise I'm always wondering if anyone's actually reading what I write. Not that it really matters because writing is pretty therapeutic for me - it helps me to reflect on what's going and figure out where to go from here. But it's nice to know that some people are actually interested in what I have to say. :)

Your comments also made me reflect a little more on my "funny advising story." And yes, maybe the student was trying to figure out my sexual orientation. I didn't even think about that at first, but now - reflecting on it - it makes a lot of sense. I have never made it through a year without at least a few of my residents asking this question - usually not to me but to other students (as if they knew the answer!!!) or RAs - and, as those of you who have been following this blog for a while, I also get the inappropriate comments on my dry-erase board or even parents questioning me on the phone.

Having this questions thrown at you every year has forced me to think about this question - and how I will respond to inquiries from residents or RA, as well as how I can prepare my RAs to respond to questions about my sexual orientation. And tonight, inspired by some of the questions asked by residents as well as some rumors that RAs have informed me about, I had one of those slightly awkward conversations with my RAs about how to respond to that question....

In the past, I would simply ask them not to answer to a question about my sexual orientation but either ask residents why they needed to know what my sexual orientation was or to encourage the resident to ask me directly. I'd leave it at that - letting the RAs wonder themselves what my sexual orientation is, which often became counterproductive as now they were whispering about it and asking each other rather than me. This year, I decided to ask them to respond in the above mentioned way but also give them some answers, so they didn't need to wonder....

I believe in Kinsey's research that says that only very few people are exclusively homosexual or heterosexual. I believe I lean toward being straight, but I'm not exclusively straight. I could definitely see myself falling in love with a woman; I have been attracted to women before - not that I've ever followed through on that...why might that be? Societal pressures; the way I was raised; concerns about how my family and friends would react? Or simply the fact that I rarely follow through on my feelings toward another person because I'm simply too damn scared (no matter if it's a man or a woman)? Who knows!
Fact is that I don't like to label myself. I realize the power these labels can have for someone who is looking for a group to fit in with, a word to describe him/herself, a way to talk about what he or she is feeling. But for me, a label would just mean having to box myself into something that I'm simply not sure about.

So who am I?

I often struggle with fitting into any of these neat categories; not just in regards to sexual orientation - but in regards to everything. It's as if I had several personalities - there's the "Austrian Me," the "American Me," the "ResLife Me," the "Wanna-Be-A-Singer/Dancer Me." I like to keep my personalities very separate. I get confused when the "Austrian Me" suddenly collides with the "American Me," for example when one of my friends from college in the US came home to visit me and was spending time with my Austrian friends and family. I didn't know how to act and who to be.

I've become too American to move back to Austria. And I'm too Austrian to ever really fit in here. When people ask me where I'm from, I always answer, "Oh, I grew up in Austria." I don't want to say that I'm "from Austria" because I feel like, I'm not from anywhere. Being "from" somewhere is like saying that you "belong" somewhere and I don't know anymore where I belong, where I'm at home, where my future should be.

Funny Advising Story

2008-09-19T09:38:00.000-07:00

Mood: annoyed

Book I'm currently reading: Dolly (it's in German; cute story about a girl at a boarding school...love it!!!)

Since I wrote that I'm annoyed, I should probably explain. I just sat through a 2-hour advising workshop that was completely pointless. There was no new information that was presented. I mean, it was new for advisers who just started working here this year; but as a third-year returner, I had heard all this before...last year and the year before that. The room was also FREEZING, so I was just uncomfortable and miserable the entire time. It probably didn't help either that I haven't gotten enough sleep lately, so I'm always tired and grumpy.

But let's talk about something fun...after all the title of this entry is "funny advising story." This may definitely turn into one of this "you had to be there" type stories...you may read it and think this makes absolutely no sense, or it's simply not funny. But I've spent quite some time giggling about it to myself, so I figured I should just tell you....

It was a sunny afternoon and I was holding advising appointments - one after the other, after the other. They usually start with a brief conversation about the students' transition to college, how they like or dislike living in the residence hall, our living learning community theme and how students want to get involved on campus. Then it turns to academics: how they are doing in classes, what their major is and why, the general education requirements, major requirements and what classes they want to take. At the end, I explain the registration process and that's basically it.
But on this sunny afternoon, a student walked in bursting with questions. He was a Math Education major and had tons of questions about the education department, what it means to be in a cohort, what classes he should take for his general education requirements and and and. I figured, if he's got that many questions, we'll just skip right to the academic part of the meeting and then get to the other questions later.
We've made it through most of the academic topics and we're now talking about his major and why he is interested in math education. We talked about how grading in math is so much easier because there's always a right or a wrong answer - very unlike Humanities and Social Sciences. I shared that my mother is a math teacher, so I had grown up around math education.
Suddenly, the student looked really excited and said, "So, is your mother here or back...?"
"Oh no, she's back in Austria," I said to finish his sentence.
"Oh, so that's where you're from!" the student exclaimed. "We've all been wondering where you're from and I decided I was just going to ask you. But now you said it, so I didn't even have to ask."
I laughed. It's not like it has ever been a secret that I'm from Austria. I'm pretty sure I even said it at the first All-Hall Meeting - and it was definitely on the Bulletin Board. And really, the students could have asked any RA and they would have told them...or just ask me.

And this is where the appointment changed from being about the student to being all about me. I'm not really sure how it happened, but suddenly I found myself answering questions about why I had come to the US, what I liked about it, where I had gone to undergrad and grad school, and and and. I didn't really mind since we'd covered most of the advising stuff already and I realize this may be the first time for some of this students to meet someone who hasn't been born in the US. [Quick side note: I went through this phase where I was really annoyed about all the questions I got about Austria - especially since they are always the same and are generally pretty boring to answer. I also went through this phase where I just wanted to be "like everyone else" and didn't want to be the freaky international student. But I've started to embrace my heritage a little more over the past few years and I don't mind answering questions that much....I feel like this is a longer topic I should go into for another blog entry.]

And then it happened. There was a little pause and I thought, maybe the student had run out of questions and I may actually get a chance to move us back to his experience and his transition to college, but oh no...
"So...this is kind of personal, but...do you want to have a family one day?"

Wow.

Definitely not a question I had anticipated.

The student was looking down, which made it even more awkward.

I tried to look away and my eyes fell on this picture of one of my guy friend that I - well, this blog's supposed to be honest, right? - that I kind of have a crush on. And before I could help it, I started blushing.

Yeah...AWKWARD!!!...our advising appointment ended shortly after that.

I still can't believe he really asked me that. That's definitely the most random question I've ever gotten during an advising appointment. And I'll have to learn to control this awkward blushing-thing...that's NEVER happened to me before.

Music is taking over my life :)

2008-09-12T00:51:00.000-07:00

There were times when music used to play a huge part in my life - when I took ballroom dancing lessons, when I was a member of WAMCO (Western Austrian Musical COmpany), during my exchange year when I was in choir, when we started our acappella group in college...just to name a few - but then I got sucked into this world of Student Affairs and my love for music was pushed aside. My "hobbies" during the last few years as an undergrad were all related to Student Affairs - leadership positions such as being a Resident Assistant, Orientation Leader, Executive Board Member of the National Residence Hall Honorary. And then I turned those hobbies into my profession...and suddenly I didn't have any hobbies anymore; I forgot what I used to do prior to Student Affairs and I didn't have or make the time to find anything new.

This past week, music has suddenly forced itself into my life again. It all started with the We The Living concert. Then, music came "flooding in" from every angle. One of my residents asked me if we could organize another concert - he has a friend who is a singer/songwriter and could come up for a weekend; he even burnt me a CD of his friend's songs. I checked one of my friend's MySpace pages - she is a singer/songwriter - and her new album just happens to come out in a few days (I can't wait!!!). I've arranged my advising schedule to make sure I could attend certain concerts. And this morning, when one of my RAs missed his one-on-one with me, I used that hour to play piano. I haven't done that in a long time.

Do I actually have a hobby again?

Journalism vs Student Affairs

2008-09-11T06:25:00.000-07:00

Quote of the Day:
"Never be the first to believe. Never be the last to deceive."
- Nobody's Side, Chess [Maybe not a very Student Affairs-y attitude - and not really my attitude since I'd probably be the first to believe and the first that was deceived...haha...but I just love that song. Especially when Uwe Kroeger and Pia Douwes sing it.]

Advising craziness has started and my life has ended - at least my personal and social life. Okay, maybe it's not that bad but it's definitely back to having meetings from 9 am until 11 pm, staying in the office until the wee hours of the morning and sleeping on my couch because I'm afraid that I won't wake up if I sleep in my oh-so-comfortable bed. And while the unavoidable workload is already enough to take over my life, I still manage to find other things to occupy myself with. I'm writing an article for a magazine - something that's caused me quite a lot of headaches these past three days. You'd think this was easy for me. After all, I have a degree in journalism; I was even editor-in-chief of our student newspaper. But oh no, of course I manage to put all this pressure on myself. I want this article to be FABULOUS. And I haven't written anything in so long - at least not anything serious (this blog really doesn't count because it's just me rambling on about life).

In my frustration, I've started looking through old short stories and newspaper articles that I've written. And of course now - hours later- I've got nothing for my article but have had more than one good laugh at my old cheesy columns. Even then - I was only in my second year as an RA - I was already a true ResLifer. My columns discussed social justice issues, eating disorders, alcohol use. And then, of course, the famous last column - full of bitterness - after having been forced to make a choice between ResLife and the newspaper (by my editorial board). Would I have stuck with journalism if I didn't have those bad experiences with our editorial board?

No, it seems impossible to imagine me doing anything but working in Student Affairs. Even now, when I'm stressed over fitting academic advising, programming, time for my RAs and grads, committee work, NRHH and everything else into 24-hour days, I'd still much rather do that then sit in a newspaper office. I liked journalism and I could have been happy doing it - but it wouldn't have been "my life." Maybe I'd have a little more balance in my life then, maybe I'd even be in a relationship and on my way to starting my own family, but something would be missing....

Well, now that it's a few hours later, I still haven't gotten past that first paragraph of my article (which is due by the end of the week...AHHHH), and those flyers for programs next week are non-existent, so I should probably stop blogging and either go to bed or do work.

My Staff & Me

2008-09-06T09:00:00.000-07:00

Mood: tired but happy

Items on my to-do list: answer e-mails, facilitate "lock your doors" program, prep for academic advising workshops, update Blackboard Site for EDL 306, develop prompt for first paper of my EDL 306 grads, figure out academic advising schedule, Social Justice Committee (I'm sure there's something I need to do for that even though I can't think of all the details right now) and and and...it's going to be quite the busy weekend

As you can see from my to-do list, I should probably do work right now. Instead I am sitting in the basement...we have a "Back To Childhood" program going on right now and the students are playing games and listening to music...and writing in this blog. It's just more fun than worrying about my endless to-do list right now.

I've spent a lot of time with my RAs lately...more than usually and that's saying something. In the past, I've often gotten the feedback from supervisors that I was too close with the students in the student organizations that I advised (RHA, NRHH); I never directly got that feedback about my relationships with RAs, even though I am at least as close with them, if not even closer...and this year more than ever. It's tough. I'm fully aware that there needs to be a line and some boundaries. After all, I'm their supervisor; I'm the one who fills out their job evaluations. But what do you do when you just have some fabulous RAs that you totally connect with?

But let's talk a little more about my supervisory style. I'm not necessarily an easy person to work for. I have very high expectations. My RAs have stricter programming requirements than other halls - for example, these past two weeks, we've basically had a program every single night. And unless they've had class, they've been at all of them. Last year, my RAs had a residential curriculum including meaningful conversations and one-on-one's with residents as well as very structured and intentional programming last year when the rest of the campus was still working with our regular programming model, which - let's be honest - was not as time-intensive. This year, at least, the rest of the campus has a similar model but I still feel like the model for our living learning community is a little more intense...mostly because we don't just have departmental strategies but about a million community-specific initiatives.
Knowing that I ask a lot of my staff, I also try to support them in any way I can. I try to build very close relationships with them because that relationship will be a better basis for our work together - then, they can will hopefully also trust me and tell me honestly when I'm asking too much of them. It also doesn't hurt that, when staff likes you, they tend to work a little harder because they don't want to disappoint you.
I will never ask anything of my staff that I wouldn't do myself. Which means that for the past two weeks, I've been at a program every night. When I know they're superbusy (like right now), I try to take on little tasks for them (like posting flyers in the hall or making ads for some of our programs). I try to recognize them regularly (by submitting Of The Month Awards through the National Residence Hall Honorary or leaving cute notes and little gifts in their mailboxes...that's actually something I should add to my to-do list because I got gifts for them last week but never got around to writing the notes...I'll take care of that tonight!). I also stop by their rooms often, ask how they are doing and try to do some fun things with them. And of course, as they share things about their personal life with me, I also tend to share some stories about my personal life with them, even though I always try to make sure the focus stays on them...unless they're just really curious about me.
But when you do all that, you, of course, become very close and the lines between supervisor and friend can easily get blurred.
What I tell myself though is that it's not an issue as long as you are still very clear about your expectations as a supervisor and the RAs are aware of these. You also have to be very careful to address any performance concerns early on and in an appropriate setting (like during a 1-on-1 and not while you're hanging out). Of course, you also have to be careful not to treat your RAs differently and have "favorites." I put "favorites" in quotes because, of course, you'll connect more with some than others - which I think is okay as long as you still reach out to all of them and treat them fairly in regards to their RA responsibilities. Yes, I don't hang out as much with some as I do with others - but I usually invite all of them when I do something, and just because I hung out with one RA more doesn't mean I'll let them off easier when it comes to their RA responsibilities or share info with them that I wouldn't share with the others.

Maybe I'm completely wrong, but this has worked pretty well for me so far. I think supervision is one of those things where you just have to figure out what works for you. I know many colleagues you wouldn't feel comfortable having the relationships with their RAs that I have with mine. And I think that's totally okay. But I also know that I probably couldn't work with them as well if I didn't have those personal connections.

Okay, enough about supervision. Let's talk about something a little more exciting....

One of my RAs and I went on a road trip to see this band I mentioned earlier, We The Living. As to be expected, we had a blast. :) We also got a chance to hang out with the band a little, which was really fun. They totally remind me of some of my friends from undergrad (friends who're all living way too far away from me, so I never get to see them). And I just felt like I could be myself around them. When I'm at school, I often feel like I have to be "First Year Adviser [insert name]" - around my students, my colleagues (the least around my RAs actually...haha). I mean, I can have fun and act crazy (like dancing on a table at an 80's Dance Party in our basement, being the first to start dancing at the RHA Formal, listening to the same song 20 times in my office because I'm in love with a certain band...what band might that be?...haha) but I always have that voice in the back of my head that says, "What kind of role model are you to your students/colleagues right now?" I guess that comes with having a job where you live in a fish bowl and have to be a good role model 24/7. And it's not like I actually do anything "bad" that my students and colleagues couldn't or shouldn't see. I guess I'm just a little more guarded around them.
Also, with my students and colleagues I usually just talk about work-related stuff. We may have a brief conversation about a TV show or something random, but then the conversation quickly shifts back to being about college life. And we all know I love college life. But it's just so refreshing to talk to someone who isn't part of this ResLife cult. It just gives me the feeling like I'm actually still a real person and not just this pathetic workaholic.

Okay, enough rambling. If you haven't done so yet, check out We The Living!!!

Priorities

2008-09-03T22:35:00.001-07:00

Music I'm listening to: We The Living, my favorite band (check out their Web site www.wetheliving.com)

People I just hung out with for hours: my RAs (big surprise there...haha)

Week 2 has started and is half-way over. It's been another busy week. You'd think that having Labor Day off would have helped, but it hasn't. We did a Service Project on Sunday that kept me busy for the majority of the week; we had a concert last night; the Residence Hall Association had their Info Session tonight and our NRHH meeting was as well; I have a program tomorrow night; a program on Friday (that I may be skipping to go to a concert...hmmm...we'll get back to that); a workshop I'm attending on Saturday and a program at night. During the day, I've had one meeting following the next. I felt very unprepared for the class I'm teaching today but fortunately it went way better than I thought it would and I realized that I actually know the material (that was a pleasant surprise, trust me!).
Some may say that we've been "overprogramming" and overwhelming our residents with events and meetings; but we're still having a very captive audience and get good turnouts for all events, so I will continue to believe that we're on the right track. Our service trip for Saturday is already full (we can only take small numbers of students due to the limited number of volunteers that local agencies can need at a time); I've had three students come up to me already with ideas for programs they want to do (I'm meeting with one of them tomorrow); and while some of my RAs are a little stressed, they're still doing pretty well overall and a few of them are even talking about extra programs they want to do (that's just crazy, if you ask me).

I've been pretty drained lately though. My to-do list keeps growing and there's just no chance that I'll get completely caught up. At night - after my marathon days of meetings - I'm just tired and all I want to do is hang out with my staff and chat or read a good book.

We all know I'm a workaholic but recently I've developed habits that you could almost call "making my personal life a priority" which is something supervisors have told me to do for years. Some of my RAs and I are talking about going to a concert on Friday. We have a program going on that night - but it's one of those that's pretty much set up and we only have to get residents there - which I'm sure the other staff members can do. We rented out the ice rink...we and another hall. My first year I did that I had too many students, so they couldn't all get on the ice. So I'm sure nobody will notice that I'm not there. Still, it's something I would have never done a year ago. Or maybe I would have if the "right" concert was happening and it just didn't. Who knows. But this has made me think about some interesting conversations about priorities that I've had lately....

As a department, we say that we value social justice education. We have a Social Justice Committee, which I'm chairing this year. Our student staff members are required to complete a Social Justice requirement as part of their community development expectations. We host a Tunnel of Oppression every year. But on a personal level, I'm not always sure to what extend social justice education is a priority for staff members. I don't think it's a lack of interest or passion; it's simply that, if something is not required to do, I won't do it because I'm already stretched way too thin with the things I have to do. I mean, it's not like I'm any better. Many evenings, if I have the choice between going to a social justice event on campus or relaxing in my apartment, I'll probably choose the relaxing because I'm just TIRED/EXHAUSTED/DONE.
We talk a lot about what our priorities are or should be - but let's be honest: in the end you do what is required and has to be done by a deadline and only after that, you'll even start considering some of these "extra" things.

Hmm, I feel like I had a point there somewhere but I'm not sure what it is. It's also almost 2 am and I should have been sleeping for hours by now (especially considering I got barely any sleep last night). I guess my point is that having priorities doesn't always mean that these things will then happen. So if we want things to happen, then we need to make them mandatory.

So maybe my point is also that you shouldn't hold on to your priorities/standards too much because they only go so far. In the end, a lot just depends on the situation.

Okay, I lost my train of thought again. Maybe that's a sign that I really really need to go to bed.
Take care...and don't forget to check out www.wetheliving.com.

Welcome to a new year!

2008-08-30T10:51:00.000-07:00

Book I'm currently reading: Dolly (it's a German book I used to LOVE when I was growing up...well actually I still love it)

On my To-Do List for today: figure out sub-committees for the Tunnel of Oppression, revise CHANGE Pre-Test, fix NRHH Web site, compile information for the Annual Report about Opening

Week 1 is officially over. The students have moved in, their classes have started, and I'm trying to get into a routine for the year. It's a new year, my third year at this institution, and most likely my last year. The Spring may bring some "interesting" entries on this blog as I go through job search No. 2 and once again try to face the challenges of immigration laws, the stress of interviewing and the ambiguity of not knowing where I'll be next year. Where do I want to be? I have no idea. I'd like to live in a "more exciting" area of the country. I like ResLife, but I also wouldn't say no to student leadership, orientation or student activities. Do I want to move up to a coordinator position in ResLife or stick with an entry-level job? Again, I have no idea. So you'll be able to come along on this journey as I try to make the most of year 3 while trying to figure out what the future will bring.

Year 3 has definitely not been dull so far. By now, I know the job, I know this institution, but ResLife has a tendency of not letting you sit back and relax but always throwing the unexpected at you.
First there was our professional staff training. As former chair of the training committee that meant lots of worrying about how training would go, anxiety about colleague's reactions, attempts to accept the changes in training that had occurred over the summer and frustration over - well, that list would be too long for just one blog entry. ;) No, overall, training wasn't bad. At least, that's what I thought. Presenters were relatively prepared. The sessions seemed to have a decent flow. There wasn't enough in-hall and team time; days were too long. But what can you do when you have to fit academic advising training, Residence Life training and all these new Residential Curriculum sessions into three weeks of training? Staff were frustrated at the length of our community council training session (3 hours this year compared to just an hour in past years) and I agree that the first half may have been cut a lot, but I thought overall it was a helpful session. I, who presented the second half with a colleague, was frustrated at the lack of enthusiasm the returners showed - they say they don't want to be lectured at, but when you include activities and experiential learning initiatives they don't participate. SERIOUSLY!!!! That just makes me mad! I understand that training is long and can be dull, but it's not like they did such a fabulous job with councils last year that they couldn't need the refresher. And what about all those expectations we set during the returner retreat about being positive???
I guess that's one of the things I learned during training: It's easy to set these expectations and talk about holding each other accountable, but it's anything but easy to actually go through with it. I'll definitely have to add that to my list of areas I need to improve in.

Once professional staff training was over, the RAs moved in and their training started. What a disaster! Some of the sessions were simply terrible. Staff was not prepared to present. I only had one presentation - and since I had taken the initiative to get work started on every single professional staff training session that I was involved with, I wanted to see if my two co-presenter would take the iniative this time. What a mistake! Two days prior to the presentation, I still hadn't heard from them. I finally gave in and, once again, took the lead on the presentation, just to have them get mad at me when I tried to involve my RAs in the presentation (I thought it was our goal as a department to have returning RAs help with training presentations)...apparently they thought there were too many presenters now.
But at least I had my staff. They were fantastic! Even though they did not enjoy every training session - and often had good feedback to share with me - they kept a positive attitude, participated and tried to stay enthusiastic and energetic. They are quite the exceptional group of student leaders and I'm sure you'll hear a lot more about them.
As if going through RA Training during the day and facilitating in-hall training at night and struggling with co-presenters wouldn't keep me busy enough, I was also kept busy with other things: one of my RAs was dealing with some personal issues and that kept me pretty occupied. Things are much better now, but there were definitely several nights where I just didn't know what else to do.

Now the year has really started. I'm teaching a course for my living learning community - fortunately I have two teaching assistants, two of my RAs, so that helps with the workload. I am chairing our Social Justice Committee, which means I get to oversee the planning and implementation of our Tunnel of Oppression (a program that raises awareness about oppression...some of you may be familiar with it as it's pretty popular around the country). I'm also co-advising the National Residence Hall Honorary again. Yes, it definitely won't be a boring year.

Welcome to Year 3 at my institution and Year 4 of blogging. :)