"Interesting"

"How do you measure the life of a woman or a man?" - RENT

As always, when I'm posting on this blog, it's in the middle of the night and I should really be in bed. But somehow I always just have this urge to write and I know I won't be able to go to bed right away anyway. So I'm listening to music and am rambling on and on....

Work's been - well - "interesting" lately. I've been super busy. To the point where I don't have time to think about anything, I just do what needs to get done. I always feel like I'm behind. I'm up late at night trying to catch up on work, knowing that I'll never be completely on track. I go through my e-mail trying to delete old e-mails, sort them, respond - knowing that just a few hours later, my inbox will be filled again.

I still enjoy what I do. I like having one-on-one advising meetings with my students and talking to them about how college is going for them, talking about their interest, the challenges they're facing, and so on. I love my staff and enjoy spending time with them (even though some of them can be a little high maintenance sometimes...*sigh*). I am passionate about social justice - which I try to include in everything I do within the hall and which, of course, my committee centers around. But somehow - inspite of all that - I'm having a hard time getting motivated. I find myself staring at the computer screen, checking Facebook or MySpace every few minutes (I'm usually not that addicted to social networking pages), checking my favorite band's Web site every few hours to see if they've posted something new (which never happens often enough), I send instant messages to people I haven't talked to in years, or I just daydream.

Maybe I'm just tired, stressed - who knows. Maybe this is a sign that this really needs to be my last year here. I love my job but I'm not as committed, as enthusiastic about it anymore. I think I have a better grasp on what I'm supposed to be doing; I've been able to improve in a lot of different areas (of course there's still lots of room for further improvement). Nevertheless, I see myself messing up, falling short of my own expectations, forgetting things that should not be forgotten.

Is this a case of "Seniorities"? I was never one to say, "I'm leaving, I don't care anymore." My last year with NRHH at my undergrad, I developed a detailed manual for our executive board because I wanted to leave a legacy behind. I still have high hopes and goals for this year. There's so much I want to accomplish.

And occasionally it'll hit me. This is my last year here (at least if everything goes according to plan). And as much as I've had my rough times here, I've loved it. I love this school; I love the job; I'm comfortable here. I've connected with many students and various student organizations. I know how to do things, where to go for help. I'm just - comfortable!

It won't be easy leaving here. I am scared of new beginnings. Not knowing anyone, not knowing how to do things. What if I mess up? What if I don't fit in there?

And then another, childish, stupid thought crosses my mind. What if I end up moving to a place where my favorite band never performs? Those concerts - even though there's only been four this year...one of which I hosted - have become such a huge part of my life in these past few weeks (I know it's kinda crazy...haha...maybe I am truly losing my mind) that right now, I just can't imagine life without them. This is what my friends and I talk about. This is what I think about when I'm not thinking about work. What would life be like without that?

I'm enough of a realist to know that I can't base my job search of a band's tour schedule, but seriously...I just really can't bare to imagine life without those concerts right now.