Who am I? - Part 2

Have you ever done something completely insane and while you were doing it, you knew very well that this was insane and people would think you're crazy...but you did it anyone because you knew it'd be fun and "it just felt right." [Yes, I am a "feeler" on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator.]

I did that today and yes, it was "crazy" and "insane" or whatever else you want to call it, but let me tell you, it was FUN. What did I do this time? Well, I drove several hours (2 1/2 to be exact) to see a band that I just saw yesterday (when it was only a 1-hour drive). And yes, it was about seeing the band, but it was also about the fact that this was something "crazy" - almost like a mini-adventure. One of those stories that'll make you laugh and that you'll tell your grandchildren about.

And let's be honest, this isn't the first time I've done something "crazy" like that. I remember a 2-hour bus trip to a city to see a movie (because I thought the "atmosphere" at a movie theater in the city would be better than in our small town); or when I saw Miss Saigon on Broadway twice in one week (hey, tickets were pretty cheap since it was the last week it was playing on Broadway); and there's countless examples from my Harry Potter obsession.

I think sometimes it's just that I'm such a workaholic and I get completely sucked into work and campus life and then my brain goes into overload and I need to do something "crazy" to get back to normal. Does that make sense? Probably not.

I guess I also approach everything I do like an obsession. I'm obsessed with my job - which is why I work 24/7 and even when I'm taking "time off," think about job-related things. Hey, I read a book about student development theory at the beach in Spain! Who does that? Similarly, I obsess over books (Harry Potter, maybe? Haha...yes, that's probably most extreme/lived-out obsession). And most recently, I've obsessed over this band. I guess that's just part of who I am. And part of this is just me not caring all that much anymore about what other people think about me. I've tried to fit in; I've tried to be what others expect me to be; but it has rarely worked and it never made me happy. So now I'm just "me," crazy, obsessed me - and I'm okay with that.


Anyway, one of my "avid readers" (as she likes to call herself) complained that my last blog ended a little too abruptly. So here's a little more about my "Austrian identity:"

When I first came to the US, I wanted to fit in; I wanted to be "American." I hated my accent and my name (there is no English version of my name; most Americans can't even pronounce it correctly) because they gave away that I'm not from here. I assimilated to American culture; I dressed the way Americans do; I listened to American music; watched American TV shows (not that I didn't do that back home in Austria as well - we get a lot of American TV and music...but I guess then I stopped listening to any Austrian music or watch any Austrian TV shows or movies that I had liked previously); I got annoyed when people asked me questions about Austria or made a big deal out of me being Austrian. I also kept my "Austrian" and my "American" lives very separate. When they collided, things became awkward; so I tried to avoid any connections as much as possible. When my parents came after my grad school graduation and helped me move to this new job, the two worlds were in danger of colliding; I was trying to keep them apart; and the result was a very awkward, strange week with lots of misunderstandings and hurt feelings. But I just didn't know how to deal with both worlds at the same time.

But my "Austrian" side will never go away. I will - at least not any time soon - be able to go through a job search without worrying whether or not an institution can hire me (based on my visa status) and how potential employers will react to me being from another country (occasionally I've had some not-so-positive reactions); I will never be able to introduce myself without getting the "What? What's your name? Can you say that again? I can't pronounce that" reaction; I will never be able to get rid of my accent completely; and I will always see things a little differently - because as much as I've lived here for 9 years now, I still often look at things from an outsider's perspective. It's easier for me to detach myself from American culture because, after all, it's not "my" culture - or at least not the culture I grew up with.

So more recently, I've decided to be embrace my Austrian heritage. If that's by listening to Austrian musical and making others listen to them, watching YouTube videos of my favorite Austrian stars or TV shows, tellings others about Austria without being asked/forced to do so. I recognize and value my ability to see things from an outsider's point of view. I am selective about what aspects of American culture I'm willing to assimilate to and where I will stick with my Austrian values and beliefs.

Yes, I still hate my accent - I don't know if I'll ever get over that. I still struggle when my two worlds get too close to each other. And I couldn't tell you what my "true identity" is...am I "Austrian," "American," "Austrian American"? None of these sound right. But I guess that goes back to not wanting to label myself. I'm just me.

(So I finished this entry, published it, and then thought a little more about it and decided I needed to add a few things...
I'm not completely anti labels. I think they help us make sense of the world around us. And even for me there are labels I identify with and am proud of...vegetarian! feminist! ally! I guess it's just when those labels are forced on you or when you're forced to choose one even when none of them fit, they become a problem.)