Who am I?

Time: 4:43 am [Why am I still awake?]

My StrengthsQuest Results: Achiever, Learner, Focus, Futuristic, Input
[I'm going to assume that many of you know what StrengthsQuest is. In case you don't, go to https://www.strengthsquest.com/ to find out more.]


Thank to those who commented on my latest blog. I always appreciate comments. Otherwise I'm always wondering if anyone's actually reading what I write. Not that it really matters because writing is pretty therapeutic for me - it helps me to reflect on what's going and figure out where to go from here. But it's nice to know that some people are actually interested in what I have to say. :)

Your comments also made me reflect a little more on my "funny advising story." And yes, maybe the student was trying to figure out my sexual orientation. I didn't even think about that at first, but now - reflecting on it - it makes a lot of sense. I have never made it through a year without at least a few of my residents asking this question - usually not to me but to other students (as if they knew the answer!!!) or RAs - and, as those of you who have been following this blog for a while, I also get the inappropriate comments on my dry-erase board or even parents questioning me on the phone.

Having this questions thrown at you every year has forced me to think about this question - and how I will respond to inquiries from residents or RA, as well as how I can prepare my RAs to respond to questions about my sexual orientation. And tonight, inspired by some of the questions asked by residents as well as some rumors that RAs have informed me about, I had one of those slightly awkward conversations with my RAs about how to respond to that question....

In the past, I would simply ask them not to answer to a question about my sexual orientation but either ask residents why they needed to know what my sexual orientation was or to encourage the resident to ask me directly. I'd leave it at that - letting the RAs wonder themselves what my sexual orientation is, which often became counterproductive as now they were whispering about it and asking each other rather than me. This year, I decided to ask them to respond in the above mentioned way but also give them some answers, so they didn't need to wonder....

I believe in Kinsey's research that says that only very few people are exclusively homosexual or heterosexual. I believe I lean toward being straight, but I'm not exclusively straight. I could definitely see myself falling in love with a woman; I have been attracted to women before - not that I've ever followed through on that...why might that be? Societal pressures; the way I was raised; concerns about how my family and friends would react? Or simply the fact that I rarely follow through on my feelings toward another person because I'm simply too damn scared (no matter if it's a man or a woman)? Who knows!
Fact is that I don't like to label myself. I realize the power these labels can have for someone who is looking for a group to fit in with, a word to describe him/herself, a way to talk about what he or she is feeling. But for me, a label would just mean having to box myself into something that I'm simply not sure about.

So who am I?

I often struggle with fitting into any of these neat categories; not just in regards to sexual orientation - but in regards to everything. It's as if I had several personalities - there's the "Austrian Me," the "American Me," the "ResLife Me," the "Wanna-Be-A-Singer/Dancer Me." I like to keep my personalities very separate. I get confused when the "Austrian Me" suddenly collides with the "American Me," for example when one of my friends from college in the US came home to visit me and was spending time with my Austrian friends and family. I didn't know how to act and who to be.

I've become too American to move back to Austria. And I'm too Austrian to ever really fit in here. When people ask me where I'm from, I always answer, "Oh, I grew up in Austria." I don't want to say that I'm "from Austria" because I feel like, I'm not from anywhere. Being "from" somewhere is like saying that you "belong" somewhere and I don't know anymore where I belong, where I'm at home, where my future should be.