I felt alive again...

I've discovered a new band I'm greatly enjoying...Copeland. You should check them out (I'm listening to them right now...specifically their album You Are My Sunshine...what a cute title of an album).

Today was another strange day, so I think it's time for some more therapeutic writing...LoL.
I don't think the magnitude of what had happened really hit me until last night - I'd been so busy running around, making sure everyone was okay - and then I spent all day Sunday reading and pretending nothing had happened. And finally, Sunday night, I allowed myself to think - I wrote the past blog entry - and then it hit me.

Today has just been a blur. I couldn't fall asleep last night; then I couldn't wake up this morning. I finally got up because I knew I had a meeting that morning. I dragged myself out of bed. I spent some time in the office - having a hard time concentrating on anything. I had written a to-do list the night before and tried to go through it, but every once in a while I'd just catch myself staring at the screen not doing anything.
I met a friend of the family, who was helping move the belongings of the student out of his room.
I entered the room; I had only been there once - to document the resident for underage drinking. He had given my two RAs and me a hard time for documenting the situation. It had not been a fun interaction.
They say you shouldn't talk bad about the dead, but does that mean you can't say the truth? I'm sure he was a great guy - I just didn't have many positive interactions with him. He didn't want to meet with me for an academic advising appointment, ignored my e-mails; he stood me up twice for meetings we had set up; we finally met and it was actually a pretty good meeting. He told me about some of the struggles he'd been facing that semester and we talked about ways he could get these things under control. I thought there was hope....
That was a month ago.

After getting the family friend all set up to start packing and moving belongings, I went back to my office to continue doing some work. I still had a hard time concentrating. I listened to music - it allowed me to block out other thoughts. I love just letting music fill you up inside until you hear nothing in your head but the song.

A student stopped by; a close friend of the student who had died. She was a mess. She had tried to take a final that morning and just hadn't been able to do it. I talked to her; I tried to help her figure out what her options were. I didn't know what to do or say to make her feel better; I felt horrible. But finally, there was that reaction that I had been waiting for. Someone was missing him; his death had affected someone. It wasn't that I wanted one of my students to be distraught, but I needed to know that his life had positively affected someone; he was being missed.

I had a meeting in the central office in the early afternoon. I listened to music as I was walking over there. I didn't want to enter the building; I was scared to run into anyone. What would they say? What should I say?

I walked up the stairs, took a deep breath and entered the hallway. I walked as fast as I could. Of course I couldn't help but see some staff members; I said hi quickly and looked down.

Later that afternoon was this holiday gathering in the office. I felt like I should stick around. Colleagues already think I'm anti-social. I waited for the gathering to start - playing around on one of the computers in the office. Then, one of my RAs started texting me - a very welcome distraction. She had heard from our favorite band (yes, We The Living...you should know that by now...haha) and they'd suggested a date for a concert next semester. Yay!!! We could finally start the planning stages of our event. And the date they suggested was perfect - the only weekend I could actually do that month. Finally something was working out....

The gathering started. I felt like people were looking at me funny; or did I just feel that way? Some asked how I was doing and I responded quickly. Did they ask because they really care? Or did they just want to be in on the gossip? Was it one of those Student Affairs-y things to do or was it really heartfelt? It's not like I usually talk to any of those colleagues about how I really truly feel. They see me as this anti-social workaholic - they make fun of my obsessions and the things I truly care about without realizing how much this is hurting my feelings and how it's just forcing me to further crawl into my shell - so why would they now care?
And could I have answered truthfully in that setting?

And how do you answer the question, "How are you doing?" when you don't even know how you are doing. I feel like I've been sleepwalking for the past 24 hours.

I went to have dinner with a friend in the next city. It was nice to get away from campus, but I couldn't really stop thinking about everything. At first, I didn't say anything. I didn't want this to be the only topic. But then I couldn't not say anything; so I did but then intentionally stopped the conversation again very quickly.

I got back and decided to hang out with one of my RAs to start planning for our Invisible Children project for next semester. We talked about this and that, went on Facebook and looked at various people's profiles, checked out band web sites, read blogs and watched a funny YouTube video - and for the first time all day I wasn't thinking about what had happend; for the first time all day I felt alive again.