Sitting back and listening...

I'm currently visiting my family in Austria. The other day we were hanging out with our neighbors; I didn't talk much...just sat back and watched. And the more I listened the more I felt like an outsider. I used to be really close with them - I used to be able to have a conversation with them. Now I just sit and listen because saying anything just isn't worth it.

Nevertheless I didn't manage to make it through the evening without at least one snide remark about my job. One of them commented on the "babysitting of college students" in the US. Okay, so granted - I struggle with the customer-service approach that we're sometimes forced to adopt in Student Affairs, but I believe in the general idea of Student Affairs. It's not "babysitting" students - we try to educate them, support them during their time at college but also challenge them to learn and grow.
I sometimes wonder what retention rates in Austria were like if we had something like Student Affairs. Retention isn't really a concern here - after all, universities are mostly funded by the government (with a few student fees but nothing really significant), so who cares how many students make it through the first few exams. Okay, so maybe college isn't for everyone - but there are more students who could make it through college if they just had a little extra support.
And then what about the "challenges" we try to provide for our students? I watch my Austrian friends and I see them now, after they've left college, slowly discovering what they believe and what they think - moving toward self-authorship. And yes, I still have a lot of learning and growing to do but college definitely pushed me, at least got me to start thinking. And yes, I was one of those students who attended programs and had conversations about diversity and multiculturalism and education and all those other fabulous topics - and not all students do - but isn't it worth it even if we just educate a few of them?

What drives me insane is that I don't even think they'd listen - like really listen (meaning "being open to a different opinion") - if I tried to explain it. They're so stuck in their own ways, stuck in the belief that their college experience was all that and they aren't even willing to see the worth of a different way of approaching education - or maybe learning something outside of the classroom - shocking thought, huh?
But I'd just be talking to myself. So I sit back and I listen and I smile, even though my blood boils and I feel like they're questioning my whole existence.

I want to tell you you're beautiful...

This isn't going to be a very long entry because I really need to go to bed (I have a meeting in 4 hours), but I wanted to share a few things with all of you:

1) Don't get too used to me posting on a daily basis. I wish I had time and the energy to write every night, but I know once the craziness of second semester hits me (and you know there'll be craziness...hopefully craziness in a positive sense though), I'll get distracted again and will forget about this blog. I hope though I'll be a little more consistent in my posting...wouldn't that be nice?

2) Thanks to everyone who commented on my last few blogs. It's just nice to know that a) people are reading my blog and are interested in my experiences and b) that even though I don't know who you are and you don't know who I am, I have some support out there.

3) I still don't know what to say when people ask me how I am. I feel like saying, "I'm fine" would be a lie but when I say, "I'm okay," I get these weird looks. And maybe I am fine...I don't even know.

4) On a happier note, I've successfully managed to complete distract myself and stop myself from thinking about what has happened by throwing myself head over heels into my newest project, this Invisible Children Challenge. My RA and I sat down today and did some serious brainstorming and then immediately went into the action phase. We now have an updated Web site and a Facebook group. We've created an e-mail address, so that both of us can have access to this e-mail and answer questions or use it to contact people. We've also started sending out e-mails - to Residence Life staff members, students who expressed interest in Invisible Children after seeing the Invisible Children clip during the Tunnel of Oppression, and students who signed-up at showings in various halls. All together, I e-mailed probably about 200 people today.
My biggest worries right now are finding a location that works for the event and getting funding.
My goal is to get at least 20 teams and to raise at least $2,000. Both of those goals should be feasible; yes, I even think we should be able to do much better than that. But I wanted to set low goals, so that we could accomplish them - both my RA and I are overachievers...so reaching our goals "too easily" won't be a problem because we'll immediately come up with even higher goals for us. But I wouldn't want us to get discouraged because we weren't even able to reach our initial goal. Does that make sense?

5) I just realized that in two days I'll be (probably around this early morning hour) starting my trip back home to Austria. This just seems so surreal to me. I haven't packed or even really thought about it yet. I can't believe it's coming up so soon!!!

6) I've gotten an unusual amount of phone calls today - mostly from staff members. And whenever my phone would ring (I have discovered this Web site where you can turn any mp3 music file into a ringtone...you can even pick which part of the song you want), I heard JP sing, "I want to tell you you're beautiful and kiss you, so you can't say a thing." No wonder I had a better day. That just has to make you smile! ;)

I felt alive again...

I've discovered a new band I'm greatly enjoying...Copeland. You should check them out (I'm listening to them right now...specifically their album You Are My Sunshine...what a cute title of an album).

Today was another strange day, so I think it's time for some more therapeutic writing...LoL.
I don't think the magnitude of what had happened really hit me until last night - I'd been so busy running around, making sure everyone was okay - and then I spent all day Sunday reading and pretending nothing had happened. And finally, Sunday night, I allowed myself to think - I wrote the past blog entry - and then it hit me.

Today has just been a blur. I couldn't fall asleep last night; then I couldn't wake up this morning. I finally got up because I knew I had a meeting that morning. I dragged myself out of bed. I spent some time in the office - having a hard time concentrating on anything. I had written a to-do list the night before and tried to go through it, but every once in a while I'd just catch myself staring at the screen not doing anything.
I met a friend of the family, who was helping move the belongings of the student out of his room.
I entered the room; I had only been there once - to document the resident for underage drinking. He had given my two RAs and me a hard time for documenting the situation. It had not been a fun interaction.
They say you shouldn't talk bad about the dead, but does that mean you can't say the truth? I'm sure he was a great guy - I just didn't have many positive interactions with him. He didn't want to meet with me for an academic advising appointment, ignored my e-mails; he stood me up twice for meetings we had set up; we finally met and it was actually a pretty good meeting. He told me about some of the struggles he'd been facing that semester and we talked about ways he could get these things under control. I thought there was hope....
That was a month ago.

After getting the family friend all set up to start packing and moving belongings, I went back to my office to continue doing some work. I still had a hard time concentrating. I listened to music - it allowed me to block out other thoughts. I love just letting music fill you up inside until you hear nothing in your head but the song.

A student stopped by; a close friend of the student who had died. She was a mess. She had tried to take a final that morning and just hadn't been able to do it. I talked to her; I tried to help her figure out what her options were. I didn't know what to do or say to make her feel better; I felt horrible. But finally, there was that reaction that I had been waiting for. Someone was missing him; his death had affected someone. It wasn't that I wanted one of my students to be distraught, but I needed to know that his life had positively affected someone; he was being missed.

I had a meeting in the central office in the early afternoon. I listened to music as I was walking over there. I didn't want to enter the building; I was scared to run into anyone. What would they say? What should I say?

I walked up the stairs, took a deep breath and entered the hallway. I walked as fast as I could. Of course I couldn't help but see some staff members; I said hi quickly and looked down.

Later that afternoon was this holiday gathering in the office. I felt like I should stick around. Colleagues already think I'm anti-social. I waited for the gathering to start - playing around on one of the computers in the office. Then, one of my RAs started texting me - a very welcome distraction. She had heard from our favorite band (yes, We The Living...you should know that by now...haha) and they'd suggested a date for a concert next semester. Yay!!! We could finally start the planning stages of our event. And the date they suggested was perfect - the only weekend I could actually do that month. Finally something was working out....

The gathering started. I felt like people were looking at me funny; or did I just feel that way? Some asked how I was doing and I responded quickly. Did they ask because they really care? Or did they just want to be in on the gossip? Was it one of those Student Affairs-y things to do or was it really heartfelt? It's not like I usually talk to any of those colleagues about how I really truly feel. They see me as this anti-social workaholic - they make fun of my obsessions and the things I truly care about without realizing how much this is hurting my feelings and how it's just forcing me to further crawl into my shell - so why would they now care?
And could I have answered truthfully in that setting?

And how do you answer the question, "How are you doing?" when you don't even know how you are doing. I feel like I've been sleepwalking for the past 24 hours.

I went to have dinner with a friend in the next city. It was nice to get away from campus, but I couldn't really stop thinking about everything. At first, I didn't say anything. I didn't want this to be the only topic. But then I couldn't not say anything; so I did but then intentionally stopped the conversation again very quickly.

I got back and decided to hang out with one of my RAs to start planning for our Invisible Children project for next semester. We talked about this and that, went on Facebook and looked at various people's profiles, checked out band web sites, read blogs and watched a funny YouTube video - and for the first time all day I wasn't thinking about what had happend; for the first time all day I felt alive again.

...and words are all that we've become

I think it's time for some therapeutic blogging. ;)

It's 12:42 am and I'm not the least tired - probably because I slept until 10 am and then took a nap from 4-6:30 pm. My sleeping schedule's been really messed up lately.

But let's start from the beginning....

It all started last Sunday. I was hanging out in my apartment pretending to do work but really just playing around on my laptop. I decided to check the blog of my favorite band (if you want to check it out, go to www.wetheliving.com/blog) and saw that one of the band members had decided to leave the band. I couldn't even believe it at first - well, let's be honest, I didn't WANT to believe it. I called my friend and fellow We The Living fan and we talked and analyzed (and overanalyzed...haha...we tend to do that with everything) and then we did what I always do when I'm upset or very emotional (I also do this when I'm really really happy) - we went and had ice cream. After some delicious vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup and rainbow sprinkles, I still didn't really know what to think.

We're also trying to organize this campus-wide Invisible Children Challenge, a fundraising competition that will end with a huge Benefits Concerts (to find out more about Invisible Children, go to www.invisiblechildren.com). And of course we'd love to have We The Living perform at the Benefits Concerts - along with some student groups - but it's been a challenge to get in touch with them to set up a date for the show (well, I guess now they have other things on their mind). I'm just getting more and more worried. This is supposed to be a huge deal but I don't know whether or not I'll be able to get enough funding - and who knows how successful we'll be at recruiting teams. We got a long list of students who were interested...but that was a month ago now and if we don't contact them with any details soon, I'm afraid we'll lose their interest. AHHHHH!!!!

So the week wasn't off to a good start and it didn't get any better. One of my students had been caught by the police trying to break into a car (not sure what he was thinking...hmm, was he thinking?!?!). Because other cars had been broken into that weekend, the police got a search warrant for the students' residence hall room. They came over and when they went into the room, they didn't find anything that had been stolen from those cars but they did find some alcohol and marihuana. Not good! I can't say for sure what will happen, but I wouldn't be surprised if this student was suspended. I talked to him after the police left; not a fun conversation!

We also had a very messy and frustrating incident of plagarism in my class. It's a very long and complicated story...to try and sum it up: my RA, who is also a TA for my leadership course, noticed that two students' introductions to papers were very similar/basically the same. The students are roommates but are in different sections of the leadership course.
Instead of telling me what she had noticed (as she should have done), the RA decided to take matters into her own hands and talked to the students because she wanted to "protect" them. She then told me about all this later - too late for me to see the papers (they hadn't been turned in yet as official final papers yet but had just been uploaded to this electronic portfolio thing that we use) and too late for me to think about what our best course of action would be PRIOR to bringing this to the students' attention. Well, from there on things just got messier and messier. I've been trying to work with the other instructor, who hasn't very helpful. When I called him to try and explain that I didn't think we had enough evidence to send this on to the department (here, the academic departments deal with cases of academic integrity), he gave me a lecture on how this student should be facing some serious consequences. When I asked him to send me the students' papers, he didn't. So basically I was dealing with all this on my own, even though it was the student in his class who had copied the paper ("my" student hadn't been aware of any of this). Of course, this whole thing also turned into a roommate conflict and, not surprisingly, I got a phone call from a parent.
And the whole time I kept thinking about why my RA hadn't told me about this incident right away? Was it because, like so many students here, she didn't see academic integrity as that "serious" of a violation? Because I know she would tell me if a student was drinking underage or smoking marihuana. Where does this notion of wanting to "protect" students come from? I mean, I'm not here to get students in trouble. Yes, I tend to be a little stricter maybe than some other staff members, but I always try to fair and I always try to do what I think is best for the student. Sometimes that may mean having to face serious consequences for making a seriously bad choice; but I don't do that to hurt the student; on the contrary, I do that because I believe they need to learn from their mistakes.
I realize that many students will see me as the "bad guy"...but my own RAs???

And then it was Saturday morning. I heard the phone in my office ring (my apartment and office are connected), but I don't usually pick up my office phone on the weekends (I do check the messages but not always right away). A little later (I hadn't checked the voicemail yet), I got a text from one of my RAs informing me that she heard a rumor that one of our residents in the hall died in a car accident. I asked her to find out the students' name if she could. I also went and checked my voicemail to see if it was something related. It was. It was the mother of another residents - a friend of that student - who just wanted to inform me about what had happened as well as ask what her son's options were in regards to postponing some of his finals if he needed to.
I went into work mode. I called the mother back. Then, I called my supervisor to inform her about what had happened, so she could start the process of informing everyone at the University who needed to know about this. I shared all the details I knew with our Associate Director, so she could inform the Dean of Students. We talked about the best way of informing the hall - sadly, the student had not been very connected to the hall community, so I didn't anticipate much of a response from the hall. There were three students whom he knew from high school - one had already been home (his mother was the one who called me), the other two had left for home that morning. I checked the students' Facebook to see who else he was friends with - but out of a hall of 280 residents, he was only Facebook friends with four other students.
I called an emergency staff meeting. I informed the staff. They seemed shocked and didn't really know what to say - but there wasn't much of a reaction. After all, none of them had really known the resident. I, as his academic adviser, probably knew him best - and I hadn't had many interactions with him.
The staff really wanted to inform the hall community though. Apparently our Housekeeping staff had found out and had started spreading rumors about what had happened. Some students had gotten text messages from friends letting them know what had happened. While we were still debating about what would be the best way to inform everyone (the staff thought an e-mail would be too impersonal), the fire alarm went off. What incredible timing!
We evacuated the building - and while I was standing out in the cold, I decided to call our Associate Director again to run some of my thoughts by her. In the end, I decided to hold a very brief all-hall meeting as soon as the fire department would let us back into the building. So we pulled all students into the Lobby. I got up on a chair and let students know what had occurred. I explained that I would be available all day if anyone wanted to talk; I also offered to call a counselor if anyone would like to talk to a counselor. I got a lot of blank stares; it was dead silent in the room; but other than that, there again didn't seem to be much of a reaction.
I asked the staff to be around as much as possible, but also wanted them not to forget about their own finals coming up and prepare for those.
After the brief meeting, I walked through the corridors to see if anyone wanted to talk. Most doors were shut and students were preparing for finals. I checked in with the resident's RA; he was doing alright. He had checked in with the residents in his corridor and said they all seemed to be doing okay. We also checked in with the other students, who were friends with him on Facebook, but they all seemed to be okay.

I hung around the hall for the rest of the day. Whenever someone knocked on my office door, I jumped up, bolted across the living room to get to the office, ripped open the door - just to find another student with an unimportant advising question.
I kept busy. I listened to music loudly.

A few people called me to check in. But these phone calls annoyed me more than anything. They all asked how I was doing and when I said I was okay, they didn't seem to believe me. But the truth was that I was okay. I felt numb. This whole thing seemed - and still seems - very surreal to me. But I couldn't even figure out for myself how I was feeling, so how could I ever explain it to a colleague?

I took a nap Saturday late afternoon/early evening, then stayed up half the night; finally went to bed just to get up early and finish some staff presents for our End of Semester Celebration. I was running late Sunday morning (we were going to lunch as a staff) and then, of course, our Director called me because he had talked to a family friend and we needed to set up arrangements to have the students' belongings picked up.

I went to lunch with my staff and we talked and laughed - and the topic of the car accident never came up.

I spent the rest of the day procrastinating - I read, I took a nap, I responded to some e-mail, I watched TV and I listened to music. I just didn't feel like doing anything. Then, a colleague stopped by to check on me - which was really sweet. :o)

And then I had the usual Sunday-night panic of realizing that I didn't get any of the things done that I wanted to accomplish this weekend. So I attempted to do work but didn't get very far. And finally I decided to write in this blog.

This has really been the first time I allowed myself to slow down and think about all that's happened over the past few days. To think and to feel! And I'm not so sure anymore if I'm okay. I didn't know the resident very well - I didn't have a close connection with him or anything. But why didn't I? Should I have reached out to him more? This whole thing was an accident, so yes, I couldn't have changed anything. Or could I? Was there alcohol involved in the accident? I knew he had an alcohol problem and was trying to deal with it; he said he was seeing someone and was getting help. But maybe I could have talked to him more about that - made sure he was actually doing better.
And how sad that he had barely any connections to the community. We pride ourselves in the close-knight community that we've built in our hall and here is a student, who was not part of that community. Was that because he didn't want to be or because we didn't try hard enough to draw him out?

How can my students feel so little about the death of someone, who was a member of their community? Someone who was living right down the hall from them? What does that say about us as a community?

Job Searching and such...

I'll be job searching in the Spring. So once again, you will all get the chance to follow me along the ups and downs of the job search.

When I finished my job search after graduate school, I thought the worst was over. I thought any job search after this would be much easier. Now, as I'm actually facing another job search, I'm not so sure. I'm still here on a temporary work visa...so once again, I'll have to look for employers who will be able and willing to sponsor me for an H1B visa. I will have to tell my current employer whether or not I'm coming back for next year prior to having found a new job...I could initially tell them that I'm a "maybe" but they will want to hire new staff during their first round of searching and who knows how long it'll take me to find a job. So once again, I'm having those nightmares of not finding a job and then being forced to leave the country and who knows what will happen then...

Right now, I just try not to think about it too much. There isn't much I can do at this point of the year anyway. I've registered for ACPA Placement. I glanced over the few jobs that have been posted already - there was one in California that I sounded really interesting but when I called their Human Resources Department they told me that they wouldn't be able to sponsor me for a visa...so cross that one of the list. I guess I just have to give up on that dream of California one day.

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for. Maybe that's something I should try and figure out. I'm considering anything in ResLife, Student Leadership, Orientation and Student Activities. Within ResLife, I could see myself doing a hall director type job again - if it has some interesting and unique aspect to it. I could see myself living in for another two or three years...that'll be it though. I mean I love working in Residence Life but it would be cool to eventually have my own place, maybe even be able to put a nail in the wall or not be woken up in the middle of the night by drunk residents coming back to the building. Okay, I got sidetracked...so, yes, I could see myself doing the hall director thing again but then I could also see myself moving up a little, maybe specializing in living learning communities or advising RHA and NRHH or maybe a job similar to a coordinator or something like that. Who knows.

Some people are trying to get me to figure out what I want to do. I'm not sure if I want to/need to. I mean, can't I just wait and see what's out there? Apply for a bunch of random jobs and just see where I end up.

Oh, this entry made me think about job searching again...AHHHH!!! Before I get stressed out, I'll stop and go to bed. :)

I'm back...

Wow, it's been a long time since I last posted something on this blog. I hadn't forgotten about this blog; I thought about writing something several times - even started a new post a couple times and then deleted it again. 'Why?' you may ask. Well, there's a couple reasons:
1) Life has been insanely busy over the past few weeks. Between meeting with students for midterm interventions (if their midterm grades are low), preparing for the Tunnel of Oppression (which happened this past week) and just the regular day-to-day job stuff, I haven't had much time to breathe. It's been so bad that several times a week I would fall asleep on my couch when I was still trying to do work - with my laptop still in my lap.
2) I also heard that someone on my staff knows about this blog. I don't really care much about other knowing about this blog - I rarely think about those who read this when I write; I'm really writing for myself, to get my thoughts "down on paper" (even though it's not paper but you know what I mean). I know there's people here at my current institution who know about this blog; and I'm okay with it. But knowing that someone is aware of it without knowing who it is has been driving me crazy. I wish I'd never been told that someone knows...because then I just hadn't thought about it. And if I didn't know, I wouldn't be worrying about it. But now I've been wondering about it, trying to figure out who it may be, staring at people during staff meetings trying to get to the bottom of it. It's the knowing-a-little-but-not-knowing-the-details that's driving me crazy. I'd rather either know nothing or everything...the in-between just isn't working for me.

Well, I've decided to get over myself and write again. The Tunnel of Oppression is also over; so now I may actually have the resemblance of a life again...hmm, maybe not since RA Evaluations and closing and all these other things are coming up and I'm way behind with everything because of the stress of the past few weeks.

If you've followed this blog, you may have noticed that in past years it was all about work but this year there's been some personal things mentioned - like my favorite band. ;) That has also been a change in my real life. In the past years, I was all about work. I didn't really have much of a personal life - I did when I was on vacation over winter break or the summer, but during the school year my main focus was work, work and work. This year, I've decided to take a little more time for myself - as I have decided every year so far - but I actually went through with it. And yes, it was this favorite band of mine that made it all happen. Now, I love their music and I'm glad I got to go to all these concerts this semester (8 this semester, 10 all together), but as much as I'm glad that I now have a resemblance of a personal life, it's also taken a toll on my work. I feel like I'm always behind with everything; I'm not doing as good of a job as I'd like to; I'm always distracted and stressed. I'm not really sure what to do about it. My supervisor tells me not to stop having a personal life but to give it time to get used to it. I don't really want to give up my personal life. But I'm also sick of feeling like I'm not doing a good job, of being even more stressed, of going away for a weekend and having a great time but then regretting it later when I'm back at work and there's just not enough time to get everything done.

My new "personal life" has also taken me away from campus a lot, which hasn't really helped with making connections with colleagues. After Tunnel, the committee members were going to BW3 for some food and drinks - and even though I had sent out an e-mail a couple days before saying, "If anyone wants to do something after Tunnel, let me know," and I hadn't said anything to the contrary that night, everyone just assumed that I wouldn't be coming with them. WHY??? I know I haven't been able to make it to many of the social events that people have planned - but what can I do if they either plan it on a Wednesday night when I'm at NRHH meetings or a Thursday night during advising season when I advise until 10 pm or on a weekend when I'm away. Whenever I could go, I've gone...there just haven't been that many chances.

Part of me wants to try and reach out to people - try and make some conections. Part of me just wants to hide from everyone, spend my free time either following around my favorite band wtih my partner-in-crime (one of my RAs who also loves the band) or reading a good book. And I'm the first to admit that I've taken this obsession with my favorite band a little far (I rarely listen to other music, check their Web site every day, talk about them constantly) and I realize that some people will make fun of that, but lately, those comments have gotten rather hurtful. Just one more reason to hide from the rest of the world....

Moody staff members

Song of the Day:
"If you knew
this was your last day
what would you do?"
- "Last Day," Ari Herstand
(go to www.myspace.com/ariherstand)


One of my grads and I had an interesting conversation today. We were talking about a staff member. This staff members tends to be pretty moody. We've all gotten used to his moods and just deal with it. He tends to get all worked up over a situation or he's just super grumpy one day, and then the next day everything is okay again. So sometimes, we'll just ignore it and then talk to him the next day.

At a recent meeting that my grad had with this staff member, he was in one of his moods and was pretty rude to her. I heard about it from another staff member, who was pretty offended by his behavior and felt bad for my grad.

My grad and I talked about it today. She said she'd been debating about whether or not to confront him about his behavior. She has, just like the rest of us, gotten so used to his mood swings that she doesn't take it personally anymore and doesn't let it bother her. But she also knows that, in the "real world," he wouldn't get away with this. Would he behave like this in the real world? We hope not. But does that mean then that he doesn't respect us as he'd respect a supervisor in a "real" job. And isn't that a huge issue in itself? And if he did behave like this in another job, isn't it our responsibility to realize that this isn't okay and help him affectively manage his emotions so he's better prepared for a job.

We came to the conclusion that this is definitely something that needs to be addressed. Well, I'm sure I'll find out how that went soon....

On needing a new life...

So I just had the most amazing weekend ever. We had "Fall Break," which isn't a real break...it's just one extra day we get off (Friday) but it's still better than nothing, right? Well, two of my friends and I went to Boston and then drove down to UMass to see my favorite band (if you've been reading this blog, you know who they are...lol) and the next day, I drove to UConn to see them again. Haha...I know that's crazy! ;)

Anyway, we had a wonderful time. :) Sightseeing and a little bit of window shopping in Boston, the two concerts, hanging out with the band members and and and. I have about 100 pictures from the weekend, a few fun videos and lots of great memories.

But now I'm back at work and everything just seems to annoy me. You'd think that after having had a great weekend away from work, I'd be refreshed and reenergized but I'm not. One of my RAs was trying to argue with me about how to complete a "Weekly Report" (this set of questions they have to answer once a week...things like how they're doing, what's going on with their residents, etc.)...and just because I said I want her to elaborate on her answers. For example, when it says "How are you doing?" I'd like her to write a little more than "I'm fine". I mean, after all this is my grads and my chance to find out what's going on in her life. But oh no, apparently that was too much to ask for.
Then, later today, another RA asked me if it'd be okay if he came 30 seconds late to the staff meeting - because of a TV show. He asked if the "being on time" policy was something that was a policy but that wasn't enforced. WHAT??? I mean, SERIOUSLY! I'm sorry if there's a TV show you want to watch that ends at 9 pm (which usually they end a couple minutes before anyway and he'd probably just miss the "scenes from next week's episode"), but if we say staff meeting starts at 9 pm, it starts at 9 pm. If I let him be 30 seconds late, then I have to let everyone be 30 seconds late. And let's be honest, it'd never stay with 30 seconds and soon we'd be starting meetings later and later.
It's also freezing cold in the building, especially in my apartment. Right now, I am curled up in my comforter because I couldn't handle it...and I'm still cold! I've talked to the Housing Manager and he said he submitted a request to turn on the heat. Who knows when that'll happen! And to make matters worse, one of my RAs thought she'd be really clever and submit a Repair Request to our Housing Manager to have the heat turned on. Of course that pissed off our Housing Manager. It's not like anything's broken; the heat just hasn't been turned on yet. So he sent me a not-so-nice message because, of course, it's my fault when my RAs do something he doesn't like.

I don't know what's going on today. I just feel like I need a new life. Something needs to change because I'm sick of this!!! I'm sick of having to deal with petty little stuff. I'm sick of people not taking their responsibilities seriously. I'm sick of people trying to argue with me over things that aren't up for debate. I think I'm usually a pretty open-minded person - willing to hear and take students' feedback into account. But there's some things that are just job responsibilities; so why do I need to waste my time arguing over them?

Thanks to my wonderful and amazing weekend, I'm also way behind with work. I have about 50 unread e-mails in my inbox. I don't have a staff meeting agenda for tonight (I only have 3 hours left, one of which I'll be spending at dinner, one of which I'll be spending in meetings with students) and I need to clean my apartment since staff meetings take place in here (I haven't unpacked yet; and there's still art supplies lying around from some projects I worked on last week).

All I want to do is curl up in bed and read; or sleep; or work on another art project that I just thought of today (a certain band member inspired me...lol).

But I gotta run....

Let's hope things at work start looking a little brighter soon....

"Interesting"

"How do you measure the life of a woman or a man?" - RENT

As always, when I'm posting on this blog, it's in the middle of the night and I should really be in bed. But somehow I always just have this urge to write and I know I won't be able to go to bed right away anyway. So I'm listening to music and am rambling on and on....

Work's been - well - "interesting" lately. I've been super busy. To the point where I don't have time to think about anything, I just do what needs to get done. I always feel like I'm behind. I'm up late at night trying to catch up on work, knowing that I'll never be completely on track. I go through my e-mail trying to delete old e-mails, sort them, respond - knowing that just a few hours later, my inbox will be filled again.

I still enjoy what I do. I like having one-on-one advising meetings with my students and talking to them about how college is going for them, talking about their interest, the challenges they're facing, and so on. I love my staff and enjoy spending time with them (even though some of them can be a little high maintenance sometimes...*sigh*). I am passionate about social justice - which I try to include in everything I do within the hall and which, of course, my committee centers around. But somehow - inspite of all that - I'm having a hard time getting motivated. I find myself staring at the computer screen, checking Facebook or MySpace every few minutes (I'm usually not that addicted to social networking pages), checking my favorite band's Web site every few hours to see if they've posted something new (which never happens often enough), I send instant messages to people I haven't talked to in years, or I just daydream.

Maybe I'm just tired, stressed - who knows. Maybe this is a sign that this really needs to be my last year here. I love my job but I'm not as committed, as enthusiastic about it anymore. I think I have a better grasp on what I'm supposed to be doing; I've been able to improve in a lot of different areas (of course there's still lots of room for further improvement). Nevertheless, I see myself messing up, falling short of my own expectations, forgetting things that should not be forgotten.

Is this a case of "Seniorities"? I was never one to say, "I'm leaving, I don't care anymore." My last year with NRHH at my undergrad, I developed a detailed manual for our executive board because I wanted to leave a legacy behind. I still have high hopes and goals for this year. There's so much I want to accomplish.

And occasionally it'll hit me. This is my last year here (at least if everything goes according to plan). And as much as I've had my rough times here, I've loved it. I love this school; I love the job; I'm comfortable here. I've connected with many students and various student organizations. I know how to do things, where to go for help. I'm just - comfortable!

It won't be easy leaving here. I am scared of new beginnings. Not knowing anyone, not knowing how to do things. What if I mess up? What if I don't fit in there?

And then another, childish, stupid thought crosses my mind. What if I end up moving to a place where my favorite band never performs? Those concerts - even though there's only been four this year...one of which I hosted - have become such a huge part of my life in these past few weeks (I know it's kinda crazy...haha...maybe I am truly losing my mind) that right now, I just can't imagine life without them. This is what my friends and I talk about. This is what I think about when I'm not thinking about work. What would life be like without that?

I'm enough of a realist to know that I can't base my job search of a band's tour schedule, but seriously...I just really can't bare to imagine life without those concerts right now.

On "putting yourself out there"

Music I'm listening to: Hmm, do I even have to say it? We The Living, of course...haha.
Time: 3: 18 am


I should really be in bad, especially considering my to do list has 12 items on it and all of those will take a considerable amount of time...and of course I'll basically be in meetings all day starting at 9 am. So getting up at 6 or the latest 7 am looks like a necessity right now. But for whatever reason, I can't seem to fall asleep so I've decided to write a little to clear my head.

We have these "Toilet Talks." They're basically 11x17 sheets of paper with information on it (they usually look like a newsletter) that are posted in the toilet stalls. The most recent one was part of our "Love Your Body" Week and since i wasn't able to find many helpful resources I used a column that I have written several years ago for the student newspaper at my undergrad. The column basically talked about how I'm not always happy with the way I look and how - while media plays a part of it - I see body image issues as a larger issue in our society and how we need to fight that image in our head that shows us what we're supposed to look like.

Apparently this innocent little column has sparked some conversation amongst residents. Reactions seem to range from "it takes guts to put yourself out there like that" to "how can she be taken seriously in a professional world when she admits to things like that."

Here's a secret...

I'm a writer. I write for the writing's sake. I don't think about what people will think about what I write - or what they'll think about me based on what I write. Most of the time I'm in complete denial about the fact that people actually read what I write. This column is a good example. I'm always surprised when there's a comment. Why would anyone actually care about my ramblings at 3 am? I just write because it allows me to process, to reflect, to make sense of what's going on in my life.

And here's another secret...

You don't have to be perfect. Me admitting that I'm not happy with my body image doesn't affect my work as a Residence Life staff member. On the contrary, students that are facing similar issues may feel more comfortable talking to me now they know that I struggle with this as well. My job is about relating to people; and aren't people more likely to relate someone they see as human, with mistakes and issues, than to this "perfect" person?

And lastly....

Once you've reached a certain level of maturity and - hmmm, should we say "self-authorship" (I must have been reading Marcia Baxter Magolda lately) you just don't care all that much anymore about what others think about you. I do what I think is right, what feels right - if that's going to two concerts of my favorite band in one weekend or sharing in a column some very personal issues. I'm not here to impress any of my residents; I'm not here to be popular. I'm here to educate; I'm here to make an impact on students' lives.

Granted, it's taken me a long time. I have given in under peer pressure before. I remember those days in college when you just wanted to be "cool," when you'd never admit that you're struggling with something. But I'm glad I've moved past that...and I hope one day my students will as well.

Who am I? - Part 2

Have you ever done something completely insane and while you were doing it, you knew very well that this was insane and people would think you're crazy...but you did it anyone because you knew it'd be fun and "it just felt right." [Yes, I am a "feeler" on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator.]

I did that today and yes, it was "crazy" and "insane" or whatever else you want to call it, but let me tell you, it was FUN. What did I do this time? Well, I drove several hours (2 1/2 to be exact) to see a band that I just saw yesterday (when it was only a 1-hour drive). And yes, it was about seeing the band, but it was also about the fact that this was something "crazy" - almost like a mini-adventure. One of those stories that'll make you laugh and that you'll tell your grandchildren about.

And let's be honest, this isn't the first time I've done something "crazy" like that. I remember a 2-hour bus trip to a city to see a movie (because I thought the "atmosphere" at a movie theater in the city would be better than in our small town); or when I saw Miss Saigon on Broadway twice in one week (hey, tickets were pretty cheap since it was the last week it was playing on Broadway); and there's countless examples from my Harry Potter obsession.

I think sometimes it's just that I'm such a workaholic and I get completely sucked into work and campus life and then my brain goes into overload and I need to do something "crazy" to get back to normal. Does that make sense? Probably not.

I guess I also approach everything I do like an obsession. I'm obsessed with my job - which is why I work 24/7 and even when I'm taking "time off," think about job-related things. Hey, I read a book about student development theory at the beach in Spain! Who does that? Similarly, I obsess over books (Harry Potter, maybe? Haha...yes, that's probably most extreme/lived-out obsession). And most recently, I've obsessed over this band. I guess that's just part of who I am. And part of this is just me not caring all that much anymore about what other people think about me. I've tried to fit in; I've tried to be what others expect me to be; but it has rarely worked and it never made me happy. So now I'm just "me," crazy, obsessed me - and I'm okay with that.


Anyway, one of my "avid readers" (as she likes to call herself) complained that my last blog ended a little too abruptly. So here's a little more about my "Austrian identity:"

When I first came to the US, I wanted to fit in; I wanted to be "American." I hated my accent and my name (there is no English version of my name; most Americans can't even pronounce it correctly) because they gave away that I'm not from here. I assimilated to American culture; I dressed the way Americans do; I listened to American music; watched American TV shows (not that I didn't do that back home in Austria as well - we get a lot of American TV and music...but I guess then I stopped listening to any Austrian music or watch any Austrian TV shows or movies that I had liked previously); I got annoyed when people asked me questions about Austria or made a big deal out of me being Austrian. I also kept my "Austrian" and my "American" lives very separate. When they collided, things became awkward; so I tried to avoid any connections as much as possible. When my parents came after my grad school graduation and helped me move to this new job, the two worlds were in danger of colliding; I was trying to keep them apart; and the result was a very awkward, strange week with lots of misunderstandings and hurt feelings. But I just didn't know how to deal with both worlds at the same time.

But my "Austrian" side will never go away. I will - at least not any time soon - be able to go through a job search without worrying whether or not an institution can hire me (based on my visa status) and how potential employers will react to me being from another country (occasionally I've had some not-so-positive reactions); I will never be able to introduce myself without getting the "What? What's your name? Can you say that again? I can't pronounce that" reaction; I will never be able to get rid of my accent completely; and I will always see things a little differently - because as much as I've lived here for 9 years now, I still often look at things from an outsider's perspective. It's easier for me to detach myself from American culture because, after all, it's not "my" culture - or at least not the culture I grew up with.

So more recently, I've decided to be embrace my Austrian heritage. If that's by listening to Austrian musical and making others listen to them, watching YouTube videos of my favorite Austrian stars or TV shows, tellings others about Austria without being asked/forced to do so. I recognize and value my ability to see things from an outsider's point of view. I am selective about what aspects of American culture I'm willing to assimilate to and where I will stick with my Austrian values and beliefs.

Yes, I still hate my accent - I don't know if I'll ever get over that. I still struggle when my two worlds get too close to each other. And I couldn't tell you what my "true identity" is...am I "Austrian," "American," "Austrian American"? None of these sound right. But I guess that goes back to not wanting to label myself. I'm just me.

(So I finished this entry, published it, and then thought a little more about it and decided I needed to add a few things...
I'm not completely anti labels. I think they help us make sense of the world around us. And even for me there are labels I identify with and am proud of...vegetarian! feminist! ally! I guess it's just when those labels are forced on you or when you're forced to choose one even when none of them fit, they become a problem.)

Who am I?

Time: 4:43 am [Why am I still awake?]

My StrengthsQuest Results: Achiever, Learner, Focus, Futuristic, Input
[I'm going to assume that many of you know what StrengthsQuest is. In case you don't, go to https://www.strengthsquest.com/ to find out more.]


Thank to those who commented on my latest blog. I always appreciate comments. Otherwise I'm always wondering if anyone's actually reading what I write. Not that it really matters because writing is pretty therapeutic for me - it helps me to reflect on what's going and figure out where to go from here. But it's nice to know that some people are actually interested in what I have to say. :)

Your comments also made me reflect a little more on my "funny advising story." And yes, maybe the student was trying to figure out my sexual orientation. I didn't even think about that at first, but now - reflecting on it - it makes a lot of sense. I have never made it through a year without at least a few of my residents asking this question - usually not to me but to other students (as if they knew the answer!!!) or RAs - and, as those of you who have been following this blog for a while, I also get the inappropriate comments on my dry-erase board or even parents questioning me on the phone.

Having this questions thrown at you every year has forced me to think about this question - and how I will respond to inquiries from residents or RA, as well as how I can prepare my RAs to respond to questions about my sexual orientation. And tonight, inspired by some of the questions asked by residents as well as some rumors that RAs have informed me about, I had one of those slightly awkward conversations with my RAs about how to respond to that question....

In the past, I would simply ask them not to answer to a question about my sexual orientation but either ask residents why they needed to know what my sexual orientation was or to encourage the resident to ask me directly. I'd leave it at that - letting the RAs wonder themselves what my sexual orientation is, which often became counterproductive as now they were whispering about it and asking each other rather than me. This year, I decided to ask them to respond in the above mentioned way but also give them some answers, so they didn't need to wonder....

I believe in Kinsey's research that says that only very few people are exclusively homosexual or heterosexual. I believe I lean toward being straight, but I'm not exclusively straight. I could definitely see myself falling in love with a woman; I have been attracted to women before - not that I've ever followed through on that...why might that be? Societal pressures; the way I was raised; concerns about how my family and friends would react? Or simply the fact that I rarely follow through on my feelings toward another person because I'm simply too damn scared (no matter if it's a man or a woman)? Who knows!
Fact is that I don't like to label myself. I realize the power these labels can have for someone who is looking for a group to fit in with, a word to describe him/herself, a way to talk about what he or she is feeling. But for me, a label would just mean having to box myself into something that I'm simply not sure about.

So who am I?

I often struggle with fitting into any of these neat categories; not just in regards to sexual orientation - but in regards to everything. It's as if I had several personalities - there's the "Austrian Me," the "American Me," the "ResLife Me," the "Wanna-Be-A-Singer/Dancer Me." I like to keep my personalities very separate. I get confused when the "Austrian Me" suddenly collides with the "American Me," for example when one of my friends from college in the US came home to visit me and was spending time with my Austrian friends and family. I didn't know how to act and who to be.

I've become too American to move back to Austria. And I'm too Austrian to ever really fit in here. When people ask me where I'm from, I always answer, "Oh, I grew up in Austria." I don't want to say that I'm "from Austria" because I feel like, I'm not from anywhere. Being "from" somewhere is like saying that you "belong" somewhere and I don't know anymore where I belong, where I'm at home, where my future should be.

Funny Advising Story

Mood: annoyed

Book I'm currently reading: Dolly (it's in German; cute story about a girl at a boarding school...love it!!!)



Since I wrote that I'm annoyed, I should probably explain. I just sat through a 2-hour advising workshop that was completely pointless. There was no new information that was presented. I mean, it was new for advisers who just started working here this year; but as a third-year returner, I had heard all this before...last year and the year before that. The room was also FREEZING, so I was just uncomfortable and miserable the entire time. It probably didn't help either that I haven't gotten enough sleep lately, so I'm always tired and grumpy.

But let's talk about something fun...after all the title of this entry is "funny advising story." This may definitely turn into one of this "you had to be there" type stories...you may read it and think this makes absolutely no sense, or it's simply not funny. But I've spent quite some time giggling about it to myself, so I figured I should just tell you....

It was a sunny afternoon and I was holding advising appointments - one after the other, after the other. They usually start with a brief conversation about the students' transition to college, how they like or dislike living in the residence hall, our living learning community theme and how students want to get involved on campus. Then it turns to academics: how they are doing in classes, what their major is and why, the general education requirements, major requirements and what classes they want to take. At the end, I explain the registration process and that's basically it.
But on this sunny afternoon, a student walked in bursting with questions. He was a Math Education major and had tons of questions about the education department, what it means to be in a cohort, what classes he should take for his general education requirements and and and. I figured, if he's got that many questions, we'll just skip right to the academic part of the meeting and then get to the other questions later.
We've made it through most of the academic topics and we're now talking about his major and why he is interested in math education. We talked about how grading in math is so much easier because there's always a right or a wrong answer - very unlike Humanities and Social Sciences. I shared that my mother is a math teacher, so I had grown up around math education.
Suddenly, the student looked really excited and said, "So, is your mother here or back...?"
"Oh no, she's back in Austria," I said to finish his sentence.
"Oh, so that's where you're from!" the student exclaimed. "We've all been wondering where you're from and I decided I was just going to ask you. But now you said it, so I didn't even have to ask."
I laughed. It's not like it has ever been a secret that I'm from Austria. I'm pretty sure I even said it at the first All-Hall Meeting - and it was definitely on the Bulletin Board. And really, the students could have asked any RA and they would have told them...or just ask me.

And this is where the appointment changed from being about the student to being all about me. I'm not really sure how it happened, but suddenly I found myself answering questions about why I had come to the US, what I liked about it, where I had gone to undergrad and grad school, and and and. I didn't really mind since we'd covered most of the advising stuff already and I realize this may be the first time for some of this students to meet someone who hasn't been born in the US. [Quick side note: I went through this phase where I was really annoyed about all the questions I got about Austria - especially since they are always the same and are generally pretty boring to answer. I also went through this phase where I just wanted to be "like everyone else" and didn't want to be the freaky international student. But I've started to embrace my heritage a little more over the past few years and I don't mind answering questions that much....I feel like this is a longer topic I should go into for another blog entry.]

And then it happened. There was a little pause and I thought, maybe the student had run out of questions and I may actually get a chance to move us back to his experience and his transition to college, but oh no...
"So...this is kind of personal, but...do you want to have a family one day?"

Wow.

Definitely not a question I had anticipated.

The student was looking down, which made it even more awkward.

I tried to look away and my eyes fell on this picture of one of my guy friend that I - well, this blog's supposed to be honest, right? - that I kind of have a crush on. And before I could help it, I started blushing.


Yeah...AWKWARD!!!...our advising appointment ended shortly after that.


I still can't believe he really asked me that. That's definitely the most random question I've ever gotten during an advising appointment. And I'll have to learn to control this awkward blushing-thing...that's NEVER happened to me before.

Music is taking over my life :)

There were times when music used to play a huge part in my life - when I took ballroom dancing lessons, when I was a member of WAMCO (Western Austrian Musical COmpany), during my exchange year when I was in choir, when we started our acappella group in college...just to name a few - but then I got sucked into this world of Student Affairs and my love for music was pushed aside. My "hobbies" during the last few years as an undergrad were all related to Student Affairs - leadership positions such as being a Resident Assistant, Orientation Leader, Executive Board Member of the National Residence Hall Honorary. And then I turned those hobbies into my profession...and suddenly I didn't have any hobbies anymore; I forgot what I used to do prior to Student Affairs and I didn't have or make the time to find anything new.

This past week, music has suddenly forced itself into my life again. It all started with the We The Living concert. Then, music came "flooding in" from every angle. One of my residents asked me if we could organize another concert - he has a friend who is a singer/songwriter and could come up for a weekend; he even burnt me a CD of his friend's songs. I checked one of my friend's MySpace pages - she is a singer/songwriter - and her new album just happens to come out in a few days (I can't wait!!!). I've arranged my advising schedule to make sure I could attend certain concerts. And this morning, when one of my RAs missed his one-on-one with me, I used that hour to play piano. I haven't done that in a long time.

Do I actually have a hobby again?

Journalism vs Student Affairs

Quote of the Day:
"Never be the first to believe. Never be the last to deceive."
- Nobody's Side, Chess [Maybe not a very Student Affairs-y attitude - and not really my attitude since I'd probably be the first to believe and the first that was deceived...haha...but I just love that song. Especially when Uwe Kroeger and Pia Douwes sing it.]

Advising craziness has started and my life has ended - at least my personal and social life. Okay, maybe it's not that bad but it's definitely back to having meetings from 9 am until 11 pm, staying in the office until the wee hours of the morning and sleeping on my couch because I'm afraid that I won't wake up if I sleep in my oh-so-comfortable bed. And while the unavoidable workload is already enough to take over my life, I still manage to find other things to occupy myself with. I'm writing an article for a magazine - something that's caused me quite a lot of headaches these past three days. You'd think this was easy for me. After all, I have a degree in journalism; I was even editor-in-chief of our student newspaper. But oh no, of course I manage to put all this pressure on myself. I want this article to be FABULOUS. And I haven't written anything in so long - at least not anything serious (this blog really doesn't count because it's just me rambling on about life).

In my frustration, I've started looking through old short stories and newspaper articles that I've written. And of course now - hours later- I've got nothing for my article but have had more than one good laugh at my old cheesy columns. Even then - I was only in my second year as an RA - I was already a true ResLifer. My columns discussed social justice issues, eating disorders, alcohol use. And then, of course, the famous last column - full of bitterness - after having been forced to make a choice between ResLife and the newspaper (by my editorial board). Would I have stuck with journalism if I didn't have those bad experiences with our editorial board?

No, it seems impossible to imagine me doing anything but working in Student Affairs. Even now, when I'm stressed over fitting academic advising, programming, time for my RAs and grads, committee work, NRHH and everything else into 24-hour days, I'd still much rather do that then sit in a newspaper office. I liked journalism and I could have been happy doing it - but it wouldn't have been "my life." Maybe I'd have a little more balance in my life then, maybe I'd even be in a relationship and on my way to starting my own family, but something would be missing....

Well, now that it's a few hours later, I still haven't gotten past that first paragraph of my article (which is due by the end of the week...AHHHH), and those flyers for programs next week are non-existent, so I should probably stop blogging and either go to bed or do work.

My Staff & Me

Mood: tired but happy

Items on my to-do list: answer e-mails, facilitate "lock your doors" program, prep for academic advising workshops, update Blackboard Site for EDL 306, develop prompt for first paper of my EDL 306 grads, figure out academic advising schedule, Social Justice Committee (I'm sure there's something I need to do for that even though I can't think of all the details right now) and and and...it's going to be quite the busy weekend



As you can see from my to-do list, I should probably do work right now. Instead I am sitting in the basement...we have a "Back To Childhood" program going on right now and the students are playing games and listening to music...and writing in this blog. It's just more fun than worrying about my endless to-do list right now.

I've spent a lot of time with my RAs lately...more than usually and that's saying something. In the past, I've often gotten the feedback from supervisors that I was too close with the students in the student organizations that I advised (RHA, NRHH); I never directly got that feedback about my relationships with RAs, even though I am at least as close with them, if not even closer...and this year more than ever. It's tough. I'm fully aware that there needs to be a line and some boundaries. After all, I'm their supervisor; I'm the one who fills out their job evaluations. But what do you do when you just have some fabulous RAs that you totally connect with?

But let's talk a little more about my supervisory style. I'm not necessarily an easy person to work for. I have very high expectations. My RAs have stricter programming requirements than other halls - for example, these past two weeks, we've basically had a program every single night. And unless they've had class, they've been at all of them. Last year, my RAs had a residential curriculum including meaningful conversations and one-on-one's with residents as well as very structured and intentional programming last year when the rest of the campus was still working with our regular programming model, which - let's be honest - was not as time-intensive. This year, at least, the rest of the campus has a similar model but I still feel like the model for our living learning community is a little more intense...mostly because we don't just have departmental strategies but about a million community-specific initiatives.
Knowing that I ask a lot of my staff, I also try to support them in any way I can. I try to build very close relationships with them because that relationship will be a better basis for our work together - then, they can will hopefully also trust me and tell me honestly when I'm asking too much of them. It also doesn't hurt that, when staff likes you, they tend to work a little harder because they don't want to disappoint you.
I will never ask anything of my staff that I wouldn't do myself. Which means that for the past two weeks, I've been at a program every night. When I know they're superbusy (like right now), I try to take on little tasks for them (like posting flyers in the hall or making ads for some of our programs). I try to recognize them regularly (by submitting Of The Month Awards through the National Residence Hall Honorary or leaving cute notes and little gifts in their mailboxes...that's actually something I should add to my to-do list because I got gifts for them last week but never got around to writing the notes...I'll take care of that tonight!). I also stop by their rooms often, ask how they are doing and try to do some fun things with them. And of course, as they share things about their personal life with me, I also tend to share some stories about my personal life with them, even though I always try to make sure the focus stays on them...unless they're just really curious about me.
But when you do all that, you, of course, become very close and the lines between supervisor and friend can easily get blurred.
What I tell myself though is that it's not an issue as long as you are still very clear about your expectations as a supervisor and the RAs are aware of these. You also have to be very careful to address any performance concerns early on and in an appropriate setting (like during a 1-on-1 and not while you're hanging out). Of course, you also have to be careful not to treat your RAs differently and have "favorites." I put "favorites" in quotes because, of course, you'll connect more with some than others - which I think is okay as long as you still reach out to all of them and treat them fairly in regards to their RA responsibilities. Yes, I don't hang out as much with some as I do with others - but I usually invite all of them when I do something, and just because I hung out with one RA more doesn't mean I'll let them off easier when it comes to their RA responsibilities or share info with them that I wouldn't share with the others.

Maybe I'm completely wrong, but this has worked pretty well for me so far. I think supervision is one of those things where you just have to figure out what works for you. I know many colleagues you wouldn't feel comfortable having the relationships with their RAs that I have with mine. And I think that's totally okay. But I also know that I probably couldn't work with them as well if I didn't have those personal connections.

Okay, enough about supervision. Let's talk about something a little more exciting....

One of my RAs and I went on a road trip to see this band I mentioned earlier, We The Living. As to be expected, we had a blast. :) We also got a chance to hang out with the band a little, which was really fun. They totally remind me of some of my friends from undergrad (friends who're all living way too far away from me, so I never get to see them). And I just felt like I could be myself around them. When I'm at school, I often feel like I have to be "First Year Adviser [insert name]" - around my students, my colleagues (the least around my RAs actually...haha). I mean, I can have fun and act crazy (like dancing on a table at an 80's Dance Party in our basement, being the first to start dancing at the RHA Formal, listening to the same song 20 times in my office because I'm in love with a certain band...what band might that be?...haha) but I always have that voice in the back of my head that says, "What kind of role model are you to your students/colleagues right now?" I guess that comes with having a job where you live in a fish bowl and have to be a good role model 24/7. And it's not like I actually do anything "bad" that my students and colleagues couldn't or shouldn't see. I guess I'm just a little more guarded around them.
Also, with my students and colleagues I usually just talk about work-related stuff. We may have a brief conversation about a TV show or something random, but then the conversation quickly shifts back to being about college life. And we all know I love college life. But it's just so refreshing to talk to someone who isn't part of this ResLife cult. It just gives me the feeling like I'm actually still a real person and not just this pathetic workaholic.

Okay, enough rambling. If you haven't done so yet, check out We The Living!!!

Priorities

Music I'm listening to: We The Living, my favorite band (check out their Web site www.wetheliving.com)

People I just hung out with for hours: my RAs (big surprise there...haha)


Week 2 has started and is half-way over. It's been another busy week. You'd think that having Labor Day off would have helped, but it hasn't. We did a Service Project on Sunday that kept me busy for the majority of the week; we had a concert last night; the Residence Hall Association had their Info Session tonight and our NRHH meeting was as well; I have a program tomorrow night; a program on Friday (that I may be skipping to go to a concert...hmmm...we'll get back to that); a workshop I'm attending on Saturday and a program at night. During the day, I've had one meeting following the next. I felt very unprepared for the class I'm teaching today but fortunately it went way better than I thought it would and I realized that I actually know the material (that was a pleasant surprise, trust me!).
Some may say that we've been "overprogramming" and overwhelming our residents with events and meetings; but we're still having a very captive audience and get good turnouts for all events, so I will continue to believe that we're on the right track. Our service trip for Saturday is already full (we can only take small numbers of students due to the limited number of volunteers that local agencies can need at a time); I've had three students come up to me already with ideas for programs they want to do (I'm meeting with one of them tomorrow); and while some of my RAs are a little stressed, they're still doing pretty well overall and a few of them are even talking about extra programs they want to do (that's just crazy, if you ask me).

I've been pretty drained lately though. My to-do list keeps growing and there's just no chance that I'll get completely caught up. At night - after my marathon days of meetings - I'm just tired and all I want to do is hang out with my staff and chat or read a good book.

We all know I'm a workaholic but recently I've developed habits that you could almost call "making my personal life a priority" which is something supervisors have told me to do for years. Some of my RAs and I are talking about going to a concert on Friday. We have a program going on that night - but it's one of those that's pretty much set up and we only have to get residents there - which I'm sure the other staff members can do. We rented out the ice rink...we and another hall. My first year I did that I had too many students, so they couldn't all get on the ice. So I'm sure nobody will notice that I'm not there. Still, it's something I would have never done a year ago. Or maybe I would have if the "right" concert was happening and it just didn't. Who knows. But this has made me think about some interesting conversations about priorities that I've had lately....

As a department, we say that we value social justice education. We have a Social Justice Committee, which I'm chairing this year. Our student staff members are required to complete a Social Justice requirement as part of their community development expectations. We host a Tunnel of Oppression every year. But on a personal level, I'm not always sure to what extend social justice education is a priority for staff members. I don't think it's a lack of interest or passion; it's simply that, if something is not required to do, I won't do it because I'm already stretched way too thin with the things I have to do. I mean, it's not like I'm any better. Many evenings, if I have the choice between going to a social justice event on campus or relaxing in my apartment, I'll probably choose the relaxing because I'm just TIRED/EXHAUSTED/DONE.
We talk a lot about what our priorities are or should be - but let's be honest: in the end you do what is required and has to be done by a deadline and only after that, you'll even start considering some of these "extra" things.

Hmm, I feel like I had a point there somewhere but I'm not sure what it is. It's also almost 2 am and I should have been sleeping for hours by now (especially considering I got barely any sleep last night). I guess my point is that having priorities doesn't always mean that these things will then happen. So if we want things to happen, then we need to make them mandatory.

So maybe my point is also that you shouldn't hold on to your priorities/standards too much because they only go so far. In the end, a lot just depends on the situation.

Okay, I lost my train of thought again. Maybe that's a sign that I really really need to go to bed.
Take care...and don't forget to check out www.wetheliving.com.

Welcome to a new year!

Book I'm currently reading: Dolly (it's a German book I used to LOVE when I was growing up...well actually I still love it)

On my To-Do List for today: figure out sub-committees for the Tunnel of Oppression, revise CHANGE Pre-Test, fix NRHH Web site, compile information for the Annual Report about Opening


Week 1 is officially over. The students have moved in, their classes have started, and I'm trying to get into a routine for the year. It's a new year, my third year at this institution, and most likely my last year. The Spring may bring some "interesting" entries on this blog as I go through job search No. 2 and once again try to face the challenges of immigration laws, the stress of interviewing and the ambiguity of not knowing where I'll be next year. Where do I want to be? I have no idea. I'd like to live in a "more exciting" area of the country. I like ResLife, but I also wouldn't say no to student leadership, orientation or student activities. Do I want to move up to a coordinator position in ResLife or stick with an entry-level job? Again, I have no idea. So you'll be able to come along on this journey as I try to make the most of year 3 while trying to figure out what the future will bring.

Year 3 has definitely not been dull so far. By now, I know the job, I know this institution, but ResLife has a tendency of not letting you sit back and relax but always throwing the unexpected at you.
First there was our professional staff training. As former chair of the training committee that meant lots of worrying about how training would go, anxiety about colleague's reactions, attempts to accept the changes in training that had occurred over the summer and frustration over - well, that list would be too long for just one blog entry. ;) No, overall, training wasn't bad. At least, that's what I thought. Presenters were relatively prepared. The sessions seemed to have a decent flow. There wasn't enough in-hall and team time; days were too long. But what can you do when you have to fit academic advising training, Residence Life training and all these new Residential Curriculum sessions into three weeks of training? Staff were frustrated at the length of our community council training session (3 hours this year compared to just an hour in past years) and I agree that the first half may have been cut a lot, but I thought overall it was a helpful session. I, who presented the second half with a colleague, was frustrated at the lack of enthusiasm the returners showed - they say they don't want to be lectured at, but when you include activities and experiential learning initiatives they don't participate. SERIOUSLY!!!! That just makes me mad! I understand that training is long and can be dull, but it's not like they did such a fabulous job with councils last year that they couldn't need the refresher. And what about all those expectations we set during the returner retreat about being positive???
I guess that's one of the things I learned during training: It's easy to set these expectations and talk about holding each other accountable, but it's anything but easy to actually go through with it. I'll definitely have to add that to my list of areas I need to improve in.

Once professional staff training was over, the RAs moved in and their training started. What a disaster! Some of the sessions were simply terrible. Staff was not prepared to present. I only had one presentation - and since I had taken the initiative to get work started on every single professional staff training session that I was involved with, I wanted to see if my two co-presenter would take the iniative this time. What a mistake! Two days prior to the presentation, I still hadn't heard from them. I finally gave in and, once again, took the lead on the presentation, just to have them get mad at me when I tried to involve my RAs in the presentation (I thought it was our goal as a department to have returning RAs help with training presentations)...apparently they thought there were too many presenters now.
But at least I had my staff. They were fantastic! Even though they did not enjoy every training session - and often had good feedback to share with me - they kept a positive attitude, participated and tried to stay enthusiastic and energetic. They are quite the exceptional group of student leaders and I'm sure you'll hear a lot more about them.
As if going through RA Training during the day and facilitating in-hall training at night and struggling with co-presenters wouldn't keep me busy enough, I was also kept busy with other things: one of my RAs was dealing with some personal issues and that kept me pretty occupied. Things are much better now, but there were definitely several nights where I just didn't know what else to do.

Now the year has really started. I'm teaching a course for my living learning community - fortunately I have two teaching assistants, two of my RAs, so that helps with the workload. I am chairing our Social Justice Committee, which means I get to oversee the planning and implementation of our Tunnel of Oppression (a program that raises awareness about oppression...some of you may be familiar with it as it's pretty popular around the country). I'm also co-advising the National Residence Hall Honorary again. Yes, it definitely won't be a boring year.

Welcome to Year 3 at my institution and Year 4 of blogging. :)