I'm seriously scared...

I don't even know where to start...

I came back from ACPA three days ago and it feels like it's been a lifetime ago. Toward the end of ACPA and when I first got back, I was worrying about what type of positions I should consider - would it be okay if I stayed with a Hall Director-level position or should I try and get a mid-manager position? I lost sleep over it; I called friends, colleagues and mentors and asked for advice; I kept going over job responsibilities; and and and. I tried to figure out which positions would be my top choices - if they called for an on-campus interview - so I'd know which ones I wanted to go to and if there were any where I wouldn't accept an on-campus interview.
Now all this seems stupid and I'm just hoping to get a job...

But before I jump to what's going on now, I do want to fill you in on the last few days.

There definitely weren't as many positions at ACPA as there had been in past years, especially if I looked for mid-manager level positions. I applied for a few mid-manager positions - many of them at smaller institutions, private, some religiously affiliated. I also applied for Hall Director positions, some where I would be supervising graduate students (something I already do here) and some where I wouldn't. I thought interviews went alright - well apparently the one at the school that initially told me that they weren't doing second interviews but then did those didn't go so well (see my previous post) but other than that, I got a number of second interviews and other schools seemed interested (and I actually believe that they did not do second interviews). But what I was finding was that either loved the institution and the people I would be working with or I found a postition that would be a good next step in my career.

Would it be such a bad idea to work as a Hall Director? Even if I didn't have grads to supervise anymore, there are still things I could learn from these positions. I'd get to know a different institution, a different department, a new way of doing things. I would see how a more traditional Residence Life department functions, one that doesn't combine Residence Life and Academic Advising. If I want to be a Director of Residence Life, wouldn't that be a good experience?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I really wanted to make my personal life and my happiness a priority. I've always made every decision based on what would be best for my career. I picked the positions, the schools - not the places I wanted to live. And while I love my job, I don't love living here. I'm a workaholic and I'd probably be a workaholic everywhere - but when there aren't many things to do around here for me (at least not things I really enjoy doing), it's even easier to just get stuck in the office every evening. So for once, I want to move to a place that I'll enjoy living in. But I also don't want to commit professional suicide. Would I be able to explain at a future interview why I decided to stay in a similar position or even "take a step back"?

One of my colleagues has been giving me a hard time, saying that I'm selling myself short and that I'm making a mistake. It's so frustrating. He just doesn't seem to understand what's important to me. For the past three years, colleagues have been giving me a hard time about not having balance in my life - now that I'm trying to make a decision based on my happiness and personal life, they're once again giving me a hard time. Argh!

I called friends, colleagues and mentors. While most seemed hesitant to advise me to take a position where I wouldn't be supervising grads and would "just" be a Hall Director, they also didn't say that I shouldn't do that. And I get it - supervising grads would be a good experience if I want to move on to a position supervising full-time staff. But I've done this for the past three years and while it may seem a little backwards, it doesn't take that experience away from me.

I just feel like I've been on this fast track - moving up quickly. I was an RA for only one year - then became a Senior RA for my building, so I didn't have residents anymore but worked with the staff. The following year, I was the Senior RA for the entire campus, so I didn't even have a building staff anymore. I enjoyed the positions and liked the additional responsibilities, but I missed having residents, I missed being part of a staff. Then, I was a grad student; first an assistant to a coordinator, which was great because I got experience working with five very different housing areas; then I ran the Family Housing area, again a great and unique experience but I just never had my own traditional student staff, the experience of running a traditional residence hall, doing judicial, building community and so on. My first full-time position, I got to supervise grads, I academically advised - I've had a great experience but I've also been stressed all the time. I've always felt like I haven't had enough time for my staff and for the students. I don't make it to as many programs as I like. And after three years, I'm just tired. Not just the not-having-gotten-enough-sleep tired but the I-don't-want-to-get-up-and-go-to-work tired. I don't want to be tired anymore. I want to have time to focus on the things I enjoy doing. I want to have time for my staff and my students. I want to have a traditional Residence Life experience.

But like I said at the beginning of this post, all these worries seem pointless now. I just want/need a job. I've had two schools contact me and offer me on-campus interviews. Once I told them that I'm not a US citizen but am here on an H1B visa, they had to check with their Human Resources Department - and after doing that, called me back to tell me that they would not be able to hire me. It's not their fault - one of them seemed really sad when she told me. If HR says no, it's no.

I told one of my supervisors and he couldn't believe it. Americans rarely understand how hard it is to find a job when you're not a citizen or permanent resident. And I understand that the US needs to be strict with their immigration laws - but wouldn't you think they'd make an exception for someone who has a bachelor's and master's degree from American institutions and has lived here for 9 years.

One school is currently checking into whether or not they'd be able to hire me. They said they don't think it should be a problem, but after having gotten a "no" from two other schools, I'm really nervous. I would absolutely love to work at that school. I really enjoyed my interviews with them. I like the position. And I LOVE the city I'd be living in. I even know someone who works there...it'd just be perfect. Awww, I'm so nervous. And if I get a "no" from them, I'm not even sure if anyone else will offer me an on-campus interview. My list is getting shorter and shorter...

I'm seriously scared.